Revenge, flash fiction

By Starfish Girl

Tue, 21 Apr 2015
  • 1433 reads
3 comments
 

A challenge at my writing class to write flash fiction, take an existing story and cut it to 200 words.

Not sure it works, I prefer original.

Could I have lost the extra 37?
 

Lucy sat in a leather armchair, savouring the taste of the espresso. Nibbling at the biscotti, remembering that first time she had tasted them on honeymoon in Venice. Believing she could never be happier.

It had taken a lot of planning but had been worthwhile.

When she left no one noticed, not a woman who would stand out in a crowd.

As intended.

On her walk home thoughts of the past made inroads into the present. The gossamer threads of memory, almost, but not quite, threatening to spoil her plans.

Eighteen years old and in love. He, her first, and she thought her only true lover. Stopping for a moment to breath in the scents she saw a couple standing by a flowering cherry, unaware of everything except each other. Memories almost overcame her and regrets for what she had done but these thoughts disappeared when anger resurfaced.

He declared that he would love her alone. He did, until ‘she’ came along. He had deserted, betrayed and almost destroyed her.

She turned on the television.

‘The police have charged Philip Jeffries with murder. In a preliminary hearing he pleaded not guilty. Searches are ongoing for the body but there is enough evidence to bring him to trial.’

Lucy Jeffries sighed. She was not that woman any more. She was Beatrice Summers.

‘If anyone has any information could they please contact the police on…’

 

Word count 237
 

Certificate 15
Story

Comments

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

I like this but had to read it several times to get all of the implications.

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Lindy

It's hard to see how you could cut anymore without taking away the meaning of the story. I prefer too a story with a bit more meat on its bones - but it was a tough assingment and you have done well.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by Craig Miller on

Here are about twenty words I think you could cut: "sat in the leather armchair," "as intended," "she thought" after the her first true love part, and the entire last sentence, "‘If anyone has any information could they please contact the police on…’"

I too had to read this twice to understand the implications (which is not necessarily a bad thing). I'd think of extending this beyond a piece of flash to give it a little more depth and fletch out Lucy/Beatrice's motives.