The Form of Seven

“I don’t really understand my new job,” Cartwright admitted to Henderson, “There aren’t any handover notes and I don’t even understand the job title: ‘Keeper of the Form of Seven’. What does that even mean?”

 

“Well, it means you’re in charge of the Form of Seven.”

 

“Yes, but what does that mean?”

 

Henderson scratched his head thoughtfully. This new recruit was clearly going to take a lot of work.

 

“Well, let’s start with the basics. You know where you’re working, right? The Realm of the Forms.”

 

“Well, yes, frankly I’m not even sure about that. Just explain it again.”

 

“You’ve come from Earth, haven’t you?” Cartwright nodded. “Well, on Earth, everything gains its meaning from its association with the Forms. I mean, the material world is all change and sensation, there’s only any order to it because we bring order to it by associating the events on Earth with the never-changing perfect Forms in this Realm. So when you see a Red object, it appears red because it aspires to Redness.”

 

“Right! And what does that mean?”

 

“It means that here in the realm of the forms, we convey meaning on the chaos and confusion of fleeting events on Earth. Have you read your Plato? He explains it better than anyone.”

 

“Well I’ve tried, but frankly it’s all Greek to me.”

 

“What, you’ve not been given a translation? No wonder you’re struggling. I’ll get you some English language versions send over immediately.”

 

“No, I’m only joking. I mean they’re hard to understand.”

 

“You shouldn’t joke about these things. It’s very serious. Maybe the easiest thing would be to learn by doing. Let’s look at the latest request sheet – your in-tray essentially.”

 

“Yes, it’s been building up since we’ve been talking, I’m worried I won’t be able to get through it.”

“Don’t worry about that, we operate outside time, so it’s easy to catch up. Plus, we can take super-long tea breaks if we want to. It’s Ned’s birthday next week, so that’s going to be a nice, boozy lunch.”

“Which one’s Ned?”

 

“Number Seventeen – the one with the spiky hair. Anyway, we’ll start with this one from the top of the pile. Okay, so this chap Dave is buying seven pints of lager. You need to apply the Form of Seven to the request. Don’t worry about the form of lager, there’s another department in charge of that.”

 

“Why do I need to do that, ‘apply the Form’?”

 

“Because on Earth, or any of the other planets we service, everything is given meaning by its association with the Realm of the Forms. Without the essence of Sevenness, then Dave would just end up buying some pints, it wouldn’t be a precise, knowable number, with meaning.”

 

“So they wouldn’t get their beers?”

“Well, they might get their beer, but they wouldn’t know there were seven beers. More importantly it would make all mathematical knowledge impossible.”

 

“So what do I do, to apply the Form of Seven to Dave’s request?”

 

“Well, you sort of wave it at Dave. Like this.”

 

“And that transports meaning and reason to the number seven. Just waving it?”

 

“No, not like that, like this. Try again with the next request – here, a boy called Tom’s just picked seven apples off the tree in his garden.”

 

“So I wave it at Tom, like this?”

 

“Bingo. Tom now has seven apples. Brilliant! You’re getting the hand.”

 

“It doesn’t seem the hardest job in the world.”

“You’d be surprised. You see Molly at the end? Number Three?”

“The woman with the red hair?”

 

“Well, she’s always making mistakes. Her bette noir is three for the price of two offers, she’s always overcharging those. And there was a young couple last week had a very disappointing threesome.”

 

“Maybe she gets bored. I am already. Look, a man in Tiverton is having seven sprigs of asparagus for his tea – here you are Mr., I’m giving meaning to your asparagus.”

 

“No you’re not – you’re only given meaning to the number of his asparagus. Kevin in Asparagus is doing the rest.”

 

“Kevin in Asparagus?”

 

“You’ll probably meet him. He knows everything there is to know about Forms. He sometimes does training sessions, I’ll try and sort something out for you.”

 

“Thanks. So I just carry on doing this then, waving the Form of Seven at the world to give it meaning.”

 

“Now don’t talk like that, it’s a very important thing you’re doing. Think of the chaos the world would be in without us. If you make a mistake they’ll be consequences on Earth. Maths would become impossible, everyone would end up having one of everything, believe me you don’t want a world where the one-eyed, one-legged, one-eared, single-braincelled man is king.”

 

“No, I suppose I don’t.”

 

“It’s Molly I worry about.”

 

“Molly?”

“The woman on Three, the one I told you about. She’s useless, look at the way she’s waving the Form of Three about, you don’t need to thrash it around like that. I’m worried she’ll break it.”

 

“Can you break a Form?”

“Well, if anyone can it’s Molly. They’re supposed to be divine and perfect, but feel your Seven; fragile isn’t it? I’m worried that if she goes on throwing her Form around like that it’ll get smashed. ... Still, I can’t go on talking all day, I’ve got work to do.”

 

“Well, thanks, you’ve been very helpful. What do you do exactly?”

“I’m Buckets.”

“Buckets?”

 

“The Form of Buckets. You see, without the Form of ‘Bucket’, a bucket-like container would just be a bucket-like container.”

 

“Well don’t let me keep you, you clearly have important work to do.”

 

“See you later Cartwright. And keep an eye on Molly for me, I do worry about her.”

 

xxx

 

“Morning Cartwright.”

 

“Morning Henderson.”

 

“How’s Seven?”

 

“Fine thanks. Still waving it about and conferring meaning on the world.”

 

“Good.”

 

“No Molly today? Only there’s a new guy on Three.”

 

“Haven’t you heard the news, Cartwright? Molly’s been promoted.”

 

“Promoted? I thought you said she was useless.”

“She is. Totally and utterly useless. But when has that ever stopped someone getting promotion? She sucks up to the man in charge.”

 

“So what’s she been promoted to? Number One?”

 

“Oh, no, that’s still Griffiths. He’s been number One for four millennia, he’s not giving up that in a hurry. It gives him an advantage in every queue he joins.”

 

“So where’s she working now then?”

 

“She’s been made up to an emotion.”

 

“An emotion? That’s promotion is it?”

 

“Emotion is the highest grade of Form there is. They’re complex, you see, not as easy as 1, 2, 3; emotions are nuanced, multi-dimensional, really difficult to pull off. You can’t get away with just waving it about.”

“So which emotion is she?”

 

“She’s Love. Can you believe it? The most complex, difficult and important emotion of all entrusted with a woman who cocks up a simple threesome. Meanwhile Kevin’s still stuck with Asparagus, passed up for promotion for the hundredth time.”

 

“It does seem strange. I met Kevin actually, last night, he gave me a very helpful pamphlet. I wish I’d gotten that when I started.”

 

“The trouble with them up there, they don’t like us down here to be good at our jobs. They see it as a threat. That’s why they like Molly, totally clueless, would cock up the Form of Incompetence if she was given it. They see it as management potential. … Still, nice to see you’re settling in. You’ve emptied your in-tray I see.”

 

“Yes, Kevin showed me how to stop time, so I could catch up on my backlog.”

 

“I bet he did. Go for a cheeky one at the Builders did you?”

“We did actually.”

 

“Love’s a pint does Kev, that’s another reason them up there don’t like him. He encourages everyone to stop time and go to the pub, it makes clocking us all in and out a veritable mystery. Anyway, I’d better be off, buckets won’t give form to themselves.”

 

“No, and if anyone’s wanting seven buckets just now we’re keeping them doubly waiting.”

 

“See you later, down the Builders?”

“Why not. Kev said he’d be there.”

 

xxx

 

“Good morning Henderson.”

 

“Good morning! Are you mad, Cartwright, this is the worst morning ever.”

 

“Why, what’s wrong. Have you got a hangover from last night?”

 

“You don’t get hangover’s in the Realm of the Forms, Cartwright, everything up here is perfect and sublime.”

 

“So what’s the problem?”

 

“Molly.”

 

“Molly, what’s she done?”

“She’s broken Love.”

 

“Broken it. How?”

“I’ve no idea, the Forms are supposed to be unbreakable. She must’ve been mucking around with it, the way she does, and dropped it.”

 

“So what does that mean? That there’s no more Love in the world?”

 

“Not quite. Luckily Kev was nearby and he managed to cobble together a repair.”

 

“What was Kev doing in emotions? Asparagus isn’t an emotion is it?”

“Didn’t you know, he’s been seeing Jenny.”

 

“Jenny?”

 

“Disgust.”

 

“Discussed what?”

 

“No, Disgust. Jenny does the Form of Disgust.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t even know that was an emotion.”

 

“Oh yes, when you think ‘These sprouts are disgusting’, that’s an emotional reaction, not a rational one. Anyway, Kev was there and he knew what to do – he stopped time and got some gaffer tape to strap round the broken Form of Love. Of course, Molly’s got the boot, them upstairs have finally got the message.”

“So who’s doing Love now?”

 

“Kev is. They had no choice, he’s the only one who knows how to repair Forms. Asparagus was in a bit of a state when he took it over apparently.”

“So he’s happy, he’s got promotion and is working near Jenny.”

 

“Well, he would be, but unfortunately he’s worried about how his relationship is going to work out now that Love is broken.”

 

“I thought he fixed it.”

 

“Not properly. Love still exists, it’s just as powerful as it ever was, in fact sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming, but it’s fragile, fickle and patched together. Kev reckons that for a lot of people Love won’t last, it’ll only work for people who can manage to patch their love for each other – metaphorically applying gaffer tape to their relationship.”

 

“Golly, that’s awful. And Love was so wonderful.”

 

“Well, just let that be a warning to you Cartwright, don’t get careless and drop the Form of Seven, the last thing we need on top of this is broken numbers.”