The Greatest Explorer of Our Time

Undoubtedly, the UK’s leading contemporary explorer is Lord Traipser Meandering. Meandering and his team of fellow adventurers have explored some of the most dangerous, out of the way places in the world. Not only that, they have also brought back plenty of evidence from those far-flung places, enabling us to learn a great deal about some of the most mysterious regions on Earth.

Just last week, Lord Meandering and the two other survivors of his party arrived back at base camp after what must be their most gruelling and dangerous feat of exploration so far.

Meandering and his team now go down in the record books. For they are the only explorers to enter an Ikea store and emerge less than three weeks later with only the item they originally went in there to buy. Unfortunately, they lost two members of the original team in tragic circumstances. One fell from the top of a bookcase into a wardrobe and never seen again. The other is believed lost under a sudden avalanche of mattresses during a freak unexpected January sale. This saw the entire team blown off course for several days by a rogue two for the price of one offer on a discontinued line of table lamps.

However, the discipline of the team paid off and they managed to get through the Ikea without further loss of life. On the way, they also discovered the mystical source of the meatballs, as well as producing the first accurate map of the fabled Land of the Sofas. A mysterious place rumoured to have some of the most comfortable sofas in the history of the world and all at reasonable prices.

Afterwards, the world’s media photographed and interviewed the jubilant survivors of the expedition in the Ikea car park. The team were brandishing the very bookcase they had entered that dangerous region to hunt for. Many had doubted if a mere five-man team, without specialised furnishing experience, could survive the hostile environment and come out without at least a set of unnecessary cut-price kitchen utensils. But, yet again, Lord Meandering and his team proved the doubters wrong.

However, that is not the end of Meandering’s thirst for exploration in the world’s most dangerous and uncharted regions. Only a few days after the great Ikea expedition was over, he was already talking of exploring the unmapped wasteland of his local shopping mall car park. Mainly to see if he could discover the whereabouts of a fabled Ford Galaxy last seen parked there back in the late 1990s.

The whole world wishes Lord Meandering and his team well in this new quest and we hope that one day soon that fabled car will be returned to civilisation once again.