Two Minutes to Midnight - Test Chapter (church)
By Bethan Hall
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(Just for quick context: Hey there! this is a quick section of a novel I'm trying to peice together and want to know what works and what doesn't so any feedback is great! In the novel the main characters all have a condition that makes them a conduit for otherworldly things to try and get them in their dreams in order to come into this world. To cope with this they each have different methods, one of which is Will's previously established obsession with religion, and his sister Dani's attempts to look after him. Also, if you'd like to be ONE OF MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD you could read the opening chapters here for more context: http://www.abctales.com/story/calvin-hodgson/two-minutes-midnight-openin...
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Where are you? - Dani
Episcopalian. - Will
Dani got there as fast as she could. Churches only suited her when Will was there. Her (stand out) red coat and dark hair always made her feel like an intruder. That and the fact that her and her brother speaking in Arabic always made the parishioners stare.
Will was seated two rows away from the altar, his head almost resting on the pew in front of him. Dani made sure her footsteps were heard.
"We have these nightmares." Will said as Dani went to place a hand on his shoulder. "And as much as we don't like to think about it they're extensions of us. And they're horrible." Danni could tell he was close to crying. "Do you think God refuses to help because sometimes he has to turn away in shame?"
Danni answered in the only way she knew how. "Do you think God stays in heaven because he too fears what he's created?" she quoted.
"Who's that?" Will asked, sounding slightly less resigned at the thought of being outdone.
"Spy Kids 2," Danni confessed with a smile.
That cheered Will up for a moment and he moved over to let her sit. From his eyes it looked as if he was about to drift off and dream right there in the pew.
"I know you'd like me to believe in something like this," Danni began. "And I can't. But I believe in you. And I believe in Lily and Bree and Mason and maybe even James sometimes." She couldn't resist the jab. "I believe in mam and dad and lots of people. But most of all I believe in you." She wrapped her arm around him and took his head on her shoulder. "I'll always believe in you. And any God who doesn't think you are the greatest thing he has ever created should be afraid of me."
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I don't know how much Danni meant what she said. I like to think she meant every word but knowing Danni she would probably decide after. Whether she meant it or not it worked, and they both got up from the pew and left. One more off the list in Will's search for a revelation.
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Comments
Some great bits in here but
Some great bits in here but doesn't seem to tie together somehow. Maybe it's just the brevity. The narrator being in first person threw me a bit at the end as previously it didn't seem like that was the case. Loved the Spy Kids 2 bit, punctures the gloom well and is needed.
Churches only suited her when Will was there - suited the right verb here? Not sure what you're getting across.
Keep going. This has lots of potential.
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Thank you for your comments
Thank you for your comments and email. I tried to respond to your email, but it will not send. Dont know why. I would love to chat about your novel and other writing. I read a piece of your work and was impressed with the maturity of voice in one so young. It will NOT get easier. As Hemmingway said, "Its easy to write, just stand in front of a typewriter and bleed." So...Onward with the wound of the empty page, and the band-aid applied with the first key stroke.
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