Valued Escapes (IP)

Cherry

By Rhiannonw

Thu, 23 Jul 2015
  • 6680 reads
17 comments
 

Always independent,
remote, but pleasant,
committed to each other, but volatile –
a relationship prickly, fragile.
Came to live in our annexe,
(and thus helped us move to a pleasant location)
so we could keep an eye on their situation:
nervous thoughts of aging,
assistance and company at hand,
relief from house ownership,
from business correspondence spared,
from paperwork frustrations preserved,
muddles and worries shared,
but strongly independent,
reserved.

But came the day when his irritations
became confusions,
and his wife took a holiday form the strain;
and when she returned, we again
found our caring role increasing, increasing
– a husband struggling with dementia,
– a wife forgetting what was said to her,
tendency to fall, low hearing function,
needing tactful introduction
to acceptance of help
– and then the monitoring
of relationship interactions,
to know when essential
to wander in for untangling
the tumults and wrangling
arising from deafness and
incomprehensible utterances:
to make the connections,
guessed explanations,
translations.

It isn’t easy when in the midst of such pressure
to give time to each other, and leisure;
and know what ‘official’ support
is available, what help should be sought
what avenues should be investigated,
though family, friends help when they can;
but Assessments have now been instated    
for Carers needs, and finance applied for
things like a ‘sitting service’ supplied
for people like us – to shop, take a quiet lunch break,
get out in the wilds alone with your husband …
four hours, or more, for sanity’s sake.

Nowadays father-in-law is calmer, and fading
in Nursing care, so our duties centre upon his wife,
helping her visit and cope with the end of his life,
helping her notice his minimal smile
and communication efforts, still lasting awhile.

But we do still value those escapes from the house,
just the two of us – a walk in the wilds, out for lunch!
mother-in-law enjoying her listening visitor
[– and she lately is pleased by a twice-weekly venture
to share shaky thoughts with fresh pals, friendly bunch,
at the local well-organised lively Day-Centre].

[IP: out to lunch]

 

Certificate U
Poem
Families
Inspiration Point (work that responds to our weekly writing cue)
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by hilary west on

It can be very important to get away as you say in this poem, a blessed relief, no matter how much you care for your loved ones when they age and get terrible problems!

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thank you, Hilary. Yes, I shared these experiences (though, as a poem, written fairly raggedly I know) to highlight the big need that exists with many carers, and that some attempt is being made to meet the needs now. Many carers are single people under great strains (and saving the services a lot of money probably!). Nice to hear from you. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on

Rhiannon...this is so close to home, it was almost as if I had written it myself.  You may describe it as 'a poem, written fairly raggedly...' I most certainly do not.  It all flowed from the heart, and as such, flawless in its truthfulness, compassion, and caring, in all senses of the word.

Tina

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thank you so much, Tina. I'm glad you felt it was that. The IP burbled at the back of my mind, and I felt It would be good to share some of these experiences, to help understanding of similar struggles others have. And I know you have much caring and loving and tiring support for your husband now. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by EB on

Those strains increase with time. Great poem great flow of thoughts. Not wallowing, but truthful and positive.

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

So glad you found it positive, EB. There are many others who appreciate all the help they can get in caring, and refreshing escapes, to help them continue their support. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Bee on

Enjoy those escapes Rhiannon, so very much deserved. Loved the flow of your poem. Just wonderful - like you.

Bee

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thanks, Bee, but I am but a weak one, like most people, and need these supports, and the Lord's support, but it's helpful to try to share different responsibilities sometimes. These thoughts did take quite a bit of sorting out to flow! Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Cherries appreciated, hope it all adds to understanding of some of the difficulties of old age, and the acceptance of the helps by the aging and the caring. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Rhiannon

This is such a comprehensive summary of the struggles you have had in caring for your in-laws, and theirs- in becoming older and more dependent. It does sound like things are somewhat better now than they were for awhile.

I don't think I could have offered my mother-in-law the chance to live with us - not that it came up as her husband at the time she was ill was still capable of looking after her with the help of day carers. There was such antagonism between us that we could hardly be in the same room. But she doted on my husband, and he and the girls (not my son) continued to visit her regularly. Then after she died when my father-in-law became senile, I would happily have cared for him, but the best solution was for him to have two live-in carers who alternated each fortnight. He loved their individual attention, but they competed with each other as to which cared for him better, and that had its problems too. And he fell in love with his lady carer - which meant she felt she had to leave.

Anyway, well done in this poem, as it puts out clearly the sorts of problems that many of us share.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thanks, Jean. Such different problems occur, both for the aging and those relatives and friends, but sharing experiences shows the wideness of the problems and the different 'solutions' and 'helps' in different situation and prevents just gloom about things. And where there are particular difficulties sometimes love can touch even these, and one can pray for forebearance and wisdom. Sometimes such last long, sometimes short, but are still hurdles. For quite a while we operated as two seperate households, just 'next door!', and then with his dementia creeping in, father-in-law didn't realise he couldn't be his wife's carer when she had some problems.
Rhiannon

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

I think you spoke from the heart when writing this piece Rhiannon.

It touches on so many peoples lives and I can't begin to understand the pressure you must be under.

I remember being so afraid when my dad was dying, for although he had hospice nurses helping him, I had to learn so many things to make him more comfortable, it became very daunting and I felt so alone, even though there were many people around me trying to help.

This was so deserving of the cherries and I do hope things become easier for you soon.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thank you, Jenny. As I think I have indicated in the comments, I wrote this with the conviction that it might help others realise the pressures some of their friends are under when carers at times. Our really hard time was when my father-in-law began showing signs of dementia, and was very difficult all the time until he needed to go into Nursing Home. Since then, obviously things have been easier with only one person at home to care for (and no interaction to monitor), together with the visiting with her. (and he became much sweeter and calmer) It still can be quite a strain, and she is a person who has never been able to open up really to show her needs and feelings.

Actually, he died yesterday, after a few weeks of back and fore sleeping more and more and withdrawing. Understanding her needs is difficult, and at present she is fairly confused about things.

Thanks for your careful reading and comment. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

Just popped in to say I read your comment and I'm so sorry to hear of his death.

My thoughts are with you at this time Rhiannon.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thank you very much, Jenny. Supporting mother-in-law only from now, especially in this time of transition for her. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

I apologise for my late comment, Rhiannon. I have been away for a week and just caught up the latest pieces.
There is nothing raggedly in the format of your poem. On the contrary it clearly shows with great pathos the responsibility and pressure of caring for elderly and infirm relatives, a situation made worse by  Alzheimer.
As you rightly say, a break is indeed a valued escape.

My very best, Luigi x

 

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thank you, Luigi, and no need to apologise! But I thought you had been away as you haven't been posting, and hope you had a good break too. Thanks for your comments about the different aspects of the verse. In this case it wasn't Alzheirmers, but what they call vascular dementia probably, but these are very vague areas of individual problems and variety, regards, Rhiannon