Holes in the bag.

By IsntLifeBrilliant

Sat, 15 Aug 2015
  • 1614 reads
5 comments
 

Things in the water

Break up in the water

Transforming the water

Into not-quite-water.

 

Things in the water

Die in the water

As not-quite-water

Seeps out through the water. 

Certificate U
Poem
Poetry
Unclassified
Nature

Comments

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

So true

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by maisie on

not sure about the second one.  'Things' too vague. 

also '

As not-quite-water

Seeps out through the water. '    what does this mean?     The end of the poem should be satisfying it should conclude....   this fails to do this.  sorry I'm so critical.  have fun editing.

maisie angel Guess what?  I'm still alive!

Submitted by IsntLifeBrilliant on

Never be sorry for being critical so long as your're doing it constructively; otherwise why post things up here in the first place.

I had another draft with a far bleaker second stanza;

 

"Things in the water

Break up in the water

Transforming the water

Into not-quite-water.

 

Not-quite-water,

Corrupts the water

And the things in the water

Die in the water."

 

What do you think?

 

Submitted by IsntLifeBrilliant on

 

 

Submitted by IsntLifeBrilliant on