In ver ness (Poetry Monthly)

By love_writing

Fri, 16 Oct 2015
  • 2258 reads
9 comments
 

It's dark no-one can see you in your nightdress-

shisssh cosy in; there’s a blanket, yes like little mice

I know it's cold - it’ll soon warm up, feet in

sleep like them

 

I’ve told you; it’s an adventure.

Like fairyland? Oh yes, the lights

I’m not sure if the Elves and the Shoemaker live there -

shut your eyes

 

For goodness sake,

you’ll have to keep it in-

I asked you before we left

Ok, ok - I’ll pull in.

Yes, the sign says In ver ness.

 

I didn't want to wake- 

turn around put your seatbelt back on

the cars moving- don’t open your window,

he’ll not hear; you'll wake your sisters

look he’s gone in already

The lady? It was his -

 

I'm not   crying

you'll see him-

Daddy

soon.

 

Certificate 12
Poem
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by love_writing on

Comments and critque most welcome :)

love_writing

Submitted by celticman on

I'm not much good with critquing poetry. I'd guess, It['] dark [comma] to set it off from the rest of the narrative. Then I'm pretty much in the dark. But the voice is good. And the journey a universal one, even though it is In ver ness (what a monster!)

 

Submitted by love_writing on

Thank you appreciate that - sorted that apostrophe :) 

love_writing

Submitted by EB on

A story told between the lines and very well done.

Submitted by love_writing on

Thank you kindly EB :) 

love_writing

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

I was waiting for that ending all the way through. How often have we spoken to our children like that in order to protect them from something nasty. It struck a chord.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by love_writing on

Thank you AE yes you are right thank you for your comment! My mum won't go anywhere near Inverness now :) 

love_writing

Submitted by VeraClark on

I think the narrative stream works as a child's distraction very well. I think you could take the double 'no no' 'yes yes' out and have singulars without it affecting structure. More natural. I'd be inclined to take more out - make your reader have more subtext. 'Leather'  could go as it's being spelt out for reader. Cold would do. Open on 'It's dark..' Drop 'look.'  'Sleep - they've managed it or like them.'  Omit sisters til final stanza? 

' could you add 'you'll wake your sisters.' at the end for final clarity? Last line - I would keep mummy in first person 'No, I'm not crying, yes, you'll see daddy/ soon.' Use what helps, bin what doesn't. smiley

 

Submitted by love_writing on

Thanks Vera, I really appreciate you taking the time to give some suggestions to this. Really helpful, and I will have a play around with it...sometimes it can be a hard balance of showing too little/ too much! I was half thinking on taking this down the prose route, will see! Thanks again :)

love_writing