Stuck on a journey (Poetry Monthly)

By Deliberately Evolving

Thu, 15 Oct 2015
  • 3190 reads
11 comments
 
So far, a crap journey.
Traffic jams, road works, 
pot holes and fumes -
and only intermittently good views.
 
(Mostly motorway).
 
The car keeps stalling, 
which is pretty annoying. 
The air con stopped working 
soon after we began the journey.
 
So we're hot and sweaty,
fed up of the road,
annoyed with each other,
tired being confined together.
 
bored and gazing out 
through the smiley on the window
I drew on the misted glass -
I see cows grazing on lush grass.
 
(Lucky cows).
 
I feel trapped.
I want to stop the car.
I'm done with the road and the drive
I want to walk and live while I'm alive. 
 
Certificate U
Poem
Philosophy

Comments

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Happy to receive critique from all who wish to give it.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Bee on

Liked this.

Bee

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Cheers Bee.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Well caught frustrations and impatience on such a journey. Were there any children involved? I once told my husband I was quite happy being stuck in a traffic jam because for the first time for a long time we hadn't got the children with us to try to keep patient and amused, and there was actually no rush to get home! Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

I feel the same way as you when my children are not in the car, I don't mind queues, waiting rooms or traffic jams nearly as much

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by EB on

We can spend too long staring out of that window. This is a frustrating journey when there seems no end in sight. Yes, get out and walk.

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Boy would I like to get out and walk sometimes. If only just to get some air and stretch my legs. 

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

I had another look at it and made some changes - I keep getting interrupted so feel to add anything.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by alice sunderland on

No critique from me - just want to say i liked it! A real 'road to nowhere' piece. lucky cows made me laugh. are we there yet!

 

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Thanks Alice. I'm glad you enjoyed it and were able to identify with the piece.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by VeraClark on

Cracking advice from Bear. Lots to like AE - captures the mundane entrapment of long travel. I think you could do more with the cows. I too questioned the occasional rhyme. It needs to rhyme or not or at least have a regular pace or it distracts from the piece. 'Trapped / I want to stop the car/ done with the road/ the drive. You can drop connectives for impact. I always find less is usually more unless it hinders understanding. You have had a thorough critique from a few here. Don't ever be shy. This is what I hope PM will become - somewhere reliable to strip down and deeply consider work without offence. Would love you (plural)  to shred one of mine. Bear. AE. Any of you. Had deadlines this month so haven't done my journey one.