The sitting woman

By Victoria Elliot

Thu, 19 Nov 2015
  • 1594 reads
5 comments
 

“It’s better to forget” I begin.

“Forget about the whole of my existence before I arrived at Chechnya” I continue determinedly.

I bring a nervous light to my handmade communist cigar as if it were my only solace. A deep and calculated breath follows.

It reverberates through my sitting frame, adding another profound layer of icicles to my frozen heart.

My midnight blue eyes pierce through haughtily at my surrounds of material resplendence.

Every luxury item is meticulously checked down to the last superfluous detail in our modish apartment.

My insouciant husband, Dmitri, has given me with a sky full of glittering gemstones.

I want for nothing.

“Dominika” my maid motions for my attention in her loud, displeasing voice.

The plain faced woman shoots across our immaculate apartment to the far left corner with efficiency.

The chandeliers of our apartment are as effervescent as golden champagne and as bright as the distracting lights of a Christmas tree. They light up an otherwise lonely apartment as the maid soundlessly sweeps across the polished Bavarian timber floorboards.

I am sitting on an Italian made couch with a wide Victorian frame made of real gold. The snow white of the velvety Italian couch softens my harsh expression as it cocoons me.

The Cambridge blue gown that I am wearing is a very becoming shade for my slender arms and fair skin. The dress’ silken material elongates my sylphlike frame.

I smile neutrally, if amicably at my maid as she approaches me.

“Dominika, forgive my intrusion, but I have been instructed to remind you that you have a dinner reservation at the Nevsky” she reminds me rather coolly.

 

 

Opinions of other writers regarding this excerpt are strongly encouraged 

Certificate 18
Story
Romance

Comments

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

I like the setting.  Who is she speaking to at the beginning or is she writing a letter?  Not sure if you would decribe your own eyes in that way, but this might be showing us an aspect of her perdonality, I suppose.  Keep going.

Submitted by Victoria Elliot on

Thank you Phillip for your most helpful feedback. 

 

In regards to your first (1st) question; who is she speaking to at the beginning or is she writing a letter? 

As strange as this may sound, the protagonist- Dominika- is actually talking to herself. I made this so because it is not uncommon in certain modes of writing (e.g. screenplays) for a protagonist to talk to themselves (through things such as an aside) and this is easily comprehensible for the audience. 

As this is a novel, I suppose the aspect of her talking to herself is a little hard to imagine, however my aim was to make the opening as strong and as mysterious as possible in order to act as a strong 'hook' for my audience. 

Given your confusion however, I am considering revising the last part of the first sentence to something more along the lines of, "It's better to forget" I begin slowly to myself. 

As long as this does not take away from the dramatism and mystique of the writing. For example, I have been told that my writing is a little 'poetic' in nature, and often when you are reading a poem some aspects aren't clear to you until you get to stay the end of the paragraph and then it becomes clear as a whole. Such is the way with my writing- the element of mystique is the strongest element in my stories, and this is a stylistic choice I have made as a writer. 

 

Your second point regarding the colour of my protagonists eyes being midnight blue. I suppose if they were a normal common colour then my protagonist would be regarded as ordinary or nothing special. This is a deliberate stylistic choice I have made in order to differentiate my protagonist from the cliqued characteristics of other characters of other novels. For example, a common line that is often used by writers in describing a blue eyed character is 'eyes as blue as the sky' or 'sea blue eyes'. Although this may work for writers, it is only memorable for readers because it is so cliched and for no other reason. Midnight blue is a signature colour that depicts my protagonist Dominika's eye colour vividly. Like when you are driving down the road and see a midnight blue Mercedez Benz- the colour sticks with you because it connotes something exquisite, something luxurious, and an element of mystery or the unattainable. For me anyway, a midnight blue colour eye shade is the perfect description for such an expensive backdrop or the opening of the novel. 

Having said this, there are many other eye colours I could have chosen other than blue. My second choice on the list would have been hazel. It is a beautiful and rare colour, however with the delicate features of protagonist- the perfect nose, the slim facial aesthetics- it would have made her seem very beautiful but also very superificial. 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

Sounds like the person in your story lives a very opulent lifestyle. Left me intrigued.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by Charmbrights on

I find the very short paragraphs give an awfully staccato impresson.  If this was your intention, then that is fine, and the reason will (should) become apparent further on in the story.  If it wasn't deliberate I would combine your paragraphs 3 and 4; also 5,6,7 and 8; also 9 and 10; also the last two.

-- Regards 8-))?

Submitted by Victoria Elliot on

Thank you for your feedback regarding the staccato impression of my writing's coherence. 

It would appear that these lines could be made more cohesive by amalgamating certain paragraphs together as you mentioned. 

Perhaps I could try your technique as suggested when I get to the editing stage of my story (as this is going to be written as a novel), however continue writing my story in the current staccato mode. 

This is was an intended stylistic choice I have made as writer in order not to overwhelm the reader. I have a certain word count I am trying to acheive- which is one that I usually exceed when I write in a non-stacatto mode. For example, I would add several descriptions to the depiction of the Italian made couch, so it would be a 'fine Italian made couch with a velvet texture, made in a Victorian style with real gold'. This would then be accompanied by an even more descriptive sentence of the setting, and add several more lines of reading until the reader is 'transported' back into the present tense where the protagonist takes a new course of action. Ultimately the flow of the discourse would be lost through the syntactic patterning of these paragraphs, as the overly verbose descriptions of a couch, a wall, a dress etc would be a little too much sensory overload for the readers. 

So in summary, staccato syntax structure is best for keeping my ideas simple, even if it initially appears incoherent with the discourse. 

 

However I appreciate your comment as it has given me another much needed perspective about how readers may possibly interpret the flow of my discourse, and as a writer this is not only much appreciated but absolutely essential for improving my writing style.