The Come Up:Alex Brown, Chapter 2
By PleaseCallMeSebastian
- 1567 reads
Today is a gloomy, rainy day. Which is very fitting for the type of day i have had. I pull up to the jail and go through the same routine i have for a year now. That's a long time to go without your best friend. But it is worth it, because every time i come see Noah he seems to be doing better. Noah isn't in prison for a violent crime so we sit outside where visitors smoke. I pull out two cigarettes, one for both of us, and take a seat. The minute the guards bring him out i can tell he already knows something is going on with me. He takes a seat beside me and lights his cigarette. I light mine too.
"How are you doing bro?" he asks me.
"I'm doing alright. I graduate tomorrow. I almost have enough saved up for the trip. And mom is being a tota-"
Cutting me off, Noah says,"Look Alex, she is just worried. Dude your moving really far away with someone she, nor you, even know. For all you know this Brandon guy could be some 40 year old rapist. Because honestly his story is kinda sketchy. I mean he is 18... Just like you and me. And more immportantly, where did the mysterious money come from?"
I snapped back,"I do know him! He's fro-"
Before i could get any farther Noah cut me off again and jokingly said,"Oh so you fucked him huh? I always knew you were a little fruit loop! HaHa!" His voice becomes for serious,"But for real Alex just be careful, for mom. She really just wants you to find something that makes you happy."
"Yea i know. And i really think the change of scenery will motivate me to find something new. Like you pointed out, obviously Brandon is good at making money.", I said.
"Well thanks for the cigarette bro. I hope this all turns out good for you. Maybe come back and check in with me every once in a while if you can..." Noah spoke very softly now,"Love you Alex. Stay true to being you."
It was odd to hear my brother talk this way. Noah always talked loud and obnoxiously. Not in a bad way though. Just in the way you can tell he is a ball of energy.
I replied to him with,"Love you to man. I will come back as soon as i can." Which we both knew was a lie.
I watched Noah get up and be escorted back to hell. Noah just didn't deserve to be in prison. That's what really kills me about his situation. That's a whole different story though. After i lose sight of him, i get up and go to my hell as well. But tomorrow is my last day of this hell.
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'the same routine I have for
'the same routine I have for a year now' - omit 'been'
I haven't read Ch 1 yet but why is Noah in prison? He feels a little too tender and caring, need to know why he is inside and how does he cope if such a softie?
You could build a bigger dialogue to express character relationships more fully. In places your dialogue feels a little too expositional - early on where you justify what is going on with Brandon, it could perhaps be done without such an obvious statement about him.
This absorbed my attention. Look forward to more.
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Progressive :)
You are progressing very well. There's always something waiting in the next chapter and that's exciting. I'm curious why this Noah guy is in prison. Brandon seems like an interesting character to be introduced next chapter. I can't wait!
Remember to space after a coma and then quotations. For example: he says, "...."
Thanks for such a quick post! I enjoy reading your story.
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I quite like that we don't
I quite like that we don't yet know why Noah is in prison - assuming that you're going to come back to him at some future point? If not, then it would be good to have more information as this will help to give substance to your narrator and his situation. The relationship between the two is tenderly drawn.
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