A Boris Buttinski Christmas

Gather ‘round kiddies, ‘cause I got a story I wanna tell ya.

Rudy the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose, see?

And if ya ever saw it, you would even say it glowed

Just like my drunken Uncle Louie, see?

All a da other reindeer, used ta laugh and call him names.

They never let poor Rudy, join in any a them reindeer games.

If I was this Rudy, I’d be hittin’ the gym pretty regular, till I had guns the size a Montana. Then I’d put a serious hurtin’ on the whole lot.

Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santy came ta say, ‘Rudy with you nose so bright, won’t ya guide my sleigh tonight?’

Then Rudy says, ‘Hey, you guys union? ‘Cause I ain’t no scab and I ain’t crossin’ no picket line, see?’

Then how the reindeer loved him. How they shouted out with glee.

Rudy the red-nosed reindeer, ya goin’ down in history, see?

That’s the night Christmas came to a halt and the reindeer got organized. They all took to da streets and handed out a list of complaints and demands.

'Whip-crackin’ Santa unfair ta reindeer!'

'Forced to fly at ridiculous heights with no oxygen!'

'Made to deliver goods at unsafe speeds!'

'We demand proper landing strips and regular coffee breaks!'

They also had a problem about bein’ left out in the cold while Santy kicked off his boots in front a cozy fire, noshin’ on cookies and egg nog.

“He’s inna stranger’s house,” said one reindeer. “And we’re up on a friggin’ roof freezin’ our nuts off!”

That was the night Santa had ta take a Greyhound back to the North Pole and wondered if elves could fly.

They’ll fly all right, thought Santa, if I have to sew the wings on myself.

The End

Merry Christmas ta youse all! See?