All the President's Mendacities

White House Briefing Room, 31^st November 2018

I know you people are expecting Kerry Anne, but she is indisposable today. Bigly. I won’t say anymore than that as for some reason they will report that I been sexism again. And. That. Is. Fake. News. I never said that. I’m not saying it now.

I’m gonna make a statement. And it’s a good statement. It’s the best statement since my last tweet about the Prime Minister of East Korea’s new “No missiles for Bazooka Joe Gum deal”. Which I did not say. No, I tweeted it. So it’s not fake, it’s the innernet, not Bridish TV, right? Put thumbs up… ah , shit! I never meant to read that. So don’t report it, huh?

Well, as you all know, there is still a vacancy for a director of the FBI. I’m willing to listen to any nominations. You want, we’ll even have one-a those referee-doms like they did in Great England before we stopped the speshul relations.

Any questions? No, not you, aren’t you from that BBC place? What? There is no BBC now? You mean Bridish News is real news, now? I am down with that, that is ‘uuuge. Whyn’t anyone tell me? What, Fox reported it only 6 months ago? Was it on Twitter? Yeah? I geddit. See, I blocked Boris after he called me something in Latin.

Right, we’re geddin’ awf message. (What was the message again, Ivanka? You sure?)

Steeples hands. Looks journa – oh sorry! We’ll cut that, right.

"I am not a crook. We did not exchange arms for hostages. Nor will we. Nobody died in El Salvador.

"Iraq had chemical weapons. We did not bring down Allende."

You remember these. I’m not so bad. I’m a good guy. These are big lies. The Donald does not lie. I may have mis-spoken.

What? Oh yeah. The statement. The important statement. Thee mooost important statement of my presidency…

This is not a toupée.