A W(h)ine of Choice

It was their fault. If they hadn’t been so indulgent, wanting to please and showering me with love, then I wouldn’t have had to make this choice. Don’t raise your eyebrows, heave your breast, ample as it is, and give such melodramatic sighs. I know you think they are wonderful and envy me the advantages that I was given. But it was their fault, it was with them that the rot began. It was they who gave me choices. Just listen and don’t interrupt in your usual all knowing way.
We need to go back a long way, not quite as far as the cradle, but a good number of years. The first time I remember, times tables tests at school. I had learned my twelve times table, the only one in class to do so to perfection. They were beside themselves with pride. 
‘You must have a reward’ they had said. But here is where the problems began. They did not say,
‘You are a wonderful child. You have done so much better than your classmates. You deserve a treat.’ 
‘And there’s the rub,’ as the bard said.
They did not give me one thing but gave me a choice.
‘Now Stevie, we are so proud of you. As a reward would you like a day out at the zoo or a sleepover with your friends in a tent in the garden?’
I was seven. How does a seven year old choose? I chose the sleepover. Jack was sick, threw up all over my sleeping bag, we never got rid of the smell. I always thought the zoo would have been a better choice.
And so they set the trend. My parents, they made me unable to make the correct choice. There’s quite a famous poem that sums up exactly my thoughts. You should seek it out, if you have the opportunity, can’t remember who wrote it, a man with a bird’s name I think. But enough of that.
Yes, I know all children are often put into such a quandary. And I know it does not blight their lives. You have told me similar stories about your own life, and look at you, a completely balanced, well sorted individual, well until we met.
Let us jump forward. All those choices, chocolate cake or ice cream; Grandma Steph or Grandpa Mike for Christmas, the Algarve or Cornwall for Summer holidays, why put the choice on me? School was a nightmare, choosing best friends, who should come to my birthday party, subjects for exams, university or not, it just went on and on. 
Well I did manage to cope, got a degree of sorts in a subject I wished I had not chosen and found myself in the workplace. Once again the choice was enormous it seemed that everyone was falling over themselves to offer me a job. I just knew that I would choose the wrong one, and I did. Stuck in an office nine to five with a contract there was no getting out of for years.
Don’t shake your head and raise your eyebrows. I know what you are thinking, aren’t I lucky to have choice when there are hundreds of people in the world who have to put up with their lot, have to grin and bear it.
But,      I have come up with a solution.
I can see that’s got your interest.
I want to be somewhere where there’s no choice, where decisions are made for me. And that, my dearest, is where you play a part, a very important part. I know you don’t really love me, that my money, good looks and so on are what attracted you to me. And for my part you have your charms. But all of that is expendable to gain what I desire. To live a life without soul searching, not knowing which way to turn and what to choose.
Now don’t cry. Here take my handkerchief, best silk as you can see. Dab your eyes but don’t spoil the make up. Sit here, make yourself comfortable and I will finish my story.
I will of course plead insanity and will be declared a danger to the public. Will be kept ‘at her majesty’s pleasure’ as they say. They will lock the doors and make some attempts to cure me but it will fail. And they will make all the decisions doing what they think is best for me.
Don’t be afraid. I can see that things are beginning to work. It won’t hurt. It’s a drug I discovered when in South America. Works best when dissolved in wine. Hence the choice of that rather nice Chateau Lafite we had with dinner. I do hope you enjoyed it. I of course drank the wine unadulterated.
I have phoned the police but I’m afraid not an ambulance. By the time they arrive it will be too late. I will explain what I have done and they will of course arrest me.
Here, let me hold your hand, put your head on my shoulder. I will stroke your hair and soon you will be asleep. 
One last kiss, sleep well my love.