Future Daze 2 - Jobclub 2076
By mallisle
Tue, 13 Mar 2018
- 699 reads
1 comments
Michael had seen an advert on the Jobcentre website for a training course entitled Living and Working in London. Topics covered: 1 - Working for Agencies in London. 2 - Studying at University in London. 3 - Apprenticeships in London. 4 - Camping and Caravanning in London. The course was on next Monday. He was fascinated. He filled in the form on the webpage to enrol.
The jobcentre was a small office on top of a shop in Sheffield city centre. Gone were the huge jobcentre buildings of the last century. People in the 2070s couldn't imagine big billboards covered with advertisements. People in the 2070s couldn't imagine coming to interviews once a month to sign on for Universal Credit. The majority of unemployed people in the 2070s couldn't imagine receiving any benefits. This is what jobcentres did now - train people to look for work. There were 12 unemployed people sitting around a table in a big office. Each one had a small cardboard sign on the table with their name on it. They were making cups of tea. A young woman, wearing a light brown suit jacket, was in charge. She had a cardboard sign that said Mavis.
"Hello everybody," she said. "The government want all the unemployed people to go down to London to get a job."
"All the unemployed people in the whole country?" asked Tony.
"They want people to go where the work is."
"Where would they live?"
"Well Tony, that's something we're discussing today, Camping and Caravaning in London. There's plenty of work to be had in London, and not much to be had up here."
"That's only because the wages are pitifully low and the cost of housing is ridiculously high," said Tony.
"Why are you being so cynical?" asked Susan.
"Tony is just a little bit more honest than most people," said Michael. "If employers in London are crying out for workers, it is not because of some economic miracle in London. It is because wages are low and house prices are high."
"So high you can't afford to live there," said Tony. "What do you do if you have a family?"
"People with families can claim benefits," said Mavis.
"It's people like us who can't," said Michael.
"Hello everybody," she said. "The government want all the unemployed people to go down to London to get a job."
"All the unemployed people in the whole country?" asked Tony.
"They want people to go where the work is."
"Where would they live?"
"Well Tony, that's something we're discussing today, Camping and Caravaning in London. There's plenty of work to be had in London, and not much to be had up here."
"That's only because the wages are pitifully low and the cost of housing is ridiculously high," said Tony.
"Why are you being so cynical?" asked Susan.
"Tony is just a little bit more honest than most people," said Michael. "If employers in London are crying out for workers, it is not because of some economic miracle in London. It is because wages are low and house prices are high."
"So high you can't afford to live there," said Tony. "What do you do if you have a family?"
"People with families can claim benefits," said Mavis.
"It's people like us who can't," said Michael.
A face appeared on the screen on the wall.
"Hello Julie," said Mavis. "Julie works for an employment agency in London. What sort of work does your agency do?"
"All sorts of things. We're called Peak Time Temps. We can provide you with bar staff at particularly busy times. We can provide you with staff for sport events which only happen occasionally. We can provide you with staff while other people are on holiday."
"Is there any particular advice you would give about working for agencies in London?" asked Mavis.
"You need to have more than one job. Do a full time job and work for an agency as well, or work for 6 different agencies."
"Why would you work for 6 different agencies?" asked Tony.
"An agency like mine won't be able to provide you with regular work. We provide occasional work. Working for 6 agencies is equivalent to a full time job. You will also find that some of the agencies are bad payers. Some will pay your wages two months late, some will never pay you. If someone short changes you, you don't want to be left absolutely destitute."
"I've emailed you all a weblink," said Mavis. "If you want to work for agencies in London, you can enrol with 6 employment agencies this afternoon."
"If we enrolled with 6 agencies, do you think they'd all give us jobs?" asked Michael.
"They're crying out for people," said Julie. "We are desperate. We would certainly give you a job. It's simply the nature of agency work that you can't give someone regular work every day."
"Hello Julie," said Mavis. "Julie works for an employment agency in London. What sort of work does your agency do?"
"All sorts of things. We're called Peak Time Temps. We can provide you with bar staff at particularly busy times. We can provide you with staff for sport events which only happen occasionally. We can provide you with staff while other people are on holiday."
"Is there any particular advice you would give about working for agencies in London?" asked Mavis.
"You need to have more than one job. Do a full time job and work for an agency as well, or work for 6 different agencies."
"Why would you work for 6 different agencies?" asked Tony.
"An agency like mine won't be able to provide you with regular work. We provide occasional work. Working for 6 agencies is equivalent to a full time job. You will also find that some of the agencies are bad payers. Some will pay your wages two months late, some will never pay you. If someone short changes you, you don't want to be left absolutely destitute."
"I've emailed you all a weblink," said Mavis. "If you want to work for agencies in London, you can enrol with 6 employment agencies this afternoon."
"If we enrolled with 6 agencies, do you think they'd all give us jobs?" asked Michael.
"They're crying out for people," said Julie. "We are desperate. We would certainly give you a job. It's simply the nature of agency work that you can't give someone regular work every day."
A younger woman of about 25 appeared on the screen.
"I'm Cheryl," she said. "I work for the Student Union at the University of East London. If you have a student loan and you spend your evenings doing restaurant and bar work, you can manage quite well in London. You can have your own bedroom. Employers are crying out for students who are aged 18 to 20 because they pay them less."
"Pay them less than the minimum wage?" asked Tony.
"You can apply for two jobs on the university website and you can have them straight away, no questions asked. It's fantastic. You show me somewhere else where you can get regular paid work by the end of tomorrow."
"You can't fill all the restaurants and bars in London with people 18 to 20 years old," said Michael.
"No you can't," said Cheryl. "That's why employers rely on agencies like Peak Time Temps, to fill in the busy periods."
"How many qualifications do you need to go to university in London?" asked Andrea.
"I've emailed you the university website," said Mavis. "Enter your qualifications into the points calculator on the page."
"Most people could do it," said Cheryl. "You don't need fantastic A' levels and a diploma with good results would also be considered."
"I'm Cheryl," she said. "I work for the Student Union at the University of East London. If you have a student loan and you spend your evenings doing restaurant and bar work, you can manage quite well in London. You can have your own bedroom. Employers are crying out for students who are aged 18 to 20 because they pay them less."
"Pay them less than the minimum wage?" asked Tony.
"You can apply for two jobs on the university website and you can have them straight away, no questions asked. It's fantastic. You show me somewhere else where you can get regular paid work by the end of tomorrow."
"You can't fill all the restaurants and bars in London with people 18 to 20 years old," said Michael.
"No you can't," said Cheryl. "That's why employers rely on agencies like Peak Time Temps, to fill in the busy periods."
"How many qualifications do you need to go to university in London?" asked Andrea.
"I've emailed you the university website," said Mavis. "Enter your qualifications into the points calculator on the page."
"Most people could do it," said Cheryl. "You don't need fantastic A' levels and a diploma with good results would also be considered."
A middle aged man appeared on the screen. "Hello. I'm Colin. I want to talk about apprenticeships. You don't have to be any particular age to do an apprenticeship. That's a popular myth. There are apprenticeships for people at all educational levels. You could be an apprentice hairdresser, you could be an apprentice care assistant, you could be an apprentice manager or an apprentice accountant. Anyone can do an apprenticeship."
"It's just a shame apprentices are only paid half the minimum wage," said Michael.
"You keep making negative comments all the time," said Susan.
"Employers in London are crying out for apprentices," said Colin. "Mostly because they're paid half the minimum wage. You could do an apprenticeship and do some agency work. You could do an apprenticeship and work behind a bar at weekends."
"What's the normal job situation like in London?" asked Susan. "How easy would it be to get an ordinary job?"
"Employers have difficulty holding on to people in London," said Colin. "You won't get the first job you go for, but if you apply for half a dozen jobs, the chances are that one of those companies is having difficulty filling the vacancy. It's worth phoning up companies and applying on spec. If you think of the kind of company you would like to work for and contact 30 of those companies directly, one of them will be having great difficulty finding someone with your skills."
"If you apply for an ordinary job in London you have a reasonable chance," said Mavis. "You won't get a job tomorrow but keep doing all the ordinary things, you'll have a job after a few months. It's easier to get a job if you've got a job already, which is where temporary work like apprenticeships and agency work can come in. We're having a coffee break and we've got a video to watch about living in the M25 Camping and Caravanning Park."
"It's just a shame apprentices are only paid half the minimum wage," said Michael.
"You keep making negative comments all the time," said Susan.
"Employers in London are crying out for apprentices," said Colin. "Mostly because they're paid half the minimum wage. You could do an apprenticeship and do some agency work. You could do an apprenticeship and work behind a bar at weekends."
"What's the normal job situation like in London?" asked Susan. "How easy would it be to get an ordinary job?"
"Employers have difficulty holding on to people in London," said Colin. "You won't get the first job you go for, but if you apply for half a dozen jobs, the chances are that one of those companies is having difficulty filling the vacancy. It's worth phoning up companies and applying on spec. If you think of the kind of company you would like to work for and contact 30 of those companies directly, one of them will be having great difficulty finding someone with your skills."
"If you apply for an ordinary job in London you have a reasonable chance," said Mavis. "You won't get a job tomorrow but keep doing all the ordinary things, you'll have a job after a few months. It's easier to get a job if you've got a job already, which is where temporary work like apprenticeships and agency work can come in. We're having a coffee break and we've got a video to watch about living in the M25 Camping and Caravanning Park."
Michael drank his coffee as the group watched the video on the screen. A field appeared that looked like a camp site.
"The M25 Camping and Caravanning Park," said a voice. "After the 2060 recession the population of London grew to 16 million. Planners gave permission for development within the first mile of the greenbelt around the M25." A man in a suit appeared standing next to a large caravan.
"Families with children can't afford to live in London," he said. "The vast majority of houses in London have been converted into shared houses, 4 or 5 adults living in a 3 bedroom semi and renting each room for £600 a month. This caravan can be rented for £800 a month. It has central heating and it's big enough for a family." Inside the caravan a man and his wife sat behind a table.
"I work 35 hours a week for the minimum wage," said the man, "and my wife works 2 days a week in a sandwich shop. We're better off than we were on Universal Credit." His wife laughed.
"Oh yes," she said, "we're much better off than we were then." The man in the suit appeared standing next to a smaller caravan.
"This is a 2 berth caravan, ideal for a couple, which can be rented for £400 a month." Inside the caravan, a woman was lying on the couch come bed.
"I'm an apprentice hairdresser and I do bar work at the weekend. This an ideal caravan to share with your partner. It's a really cheap place to live." A woman in a suit appeared standing beside a tent.
"This tent is kept secure with a chain with a combination padlock." She put in the number and undid the padlock. Now the camera followed her into the tent.
"Doesn't it get cold in winter?" asked a voice.
"No, of course not. It has a wood pellet burning stove with a twin walled chimney going through the top of the tent. The tent can survive a one hundred mile per hour wind. It is warm, safe and secure. A pitch on this site can be yours for only £70 a month. This is the cheapest way you could ever live and work in London." A huge building appeared on the screen which looked like a beehive.
"A block of flats made entirely from pipes," said a voice. "The pipes are 2M wide and 2.5M long." The camera zoomed in to where a man stood in the window. It then appeared to go through the window and come into the apartment, where the man sat on the bed and began speaking.
"I live in flat 94 on floor K. It's good, living in a bedpipe. It has a toilet and a shower on one side, and on this side there is the bed. There's not much room to cook anything, and you'd make a mess of the bed. There's a picnic table on the field outside where you can make your own sandwiches. On rainy days I go to the cafe. There's a very nice view of the M25. You can't get much for £200 a month in London." The video ended.
"Do you still want to go and live in London?" asked Michael, laughing.
"Well, it might be better than living with your Uncle and having no money," said Susan.
"The M25 Camping and Caravanning Park," said a voice. "After the 2060 recession the population of London grew to 16 million. Planners gave permission for development within the first mile of the greenbelt around the M25." A man in a suit appeared standing next to a large caravan.
"Families with children can't afford to live in London," he said. "The vast majority of houses in London have been converted into shared houses, 4 or 5 adults living in a 3 bedroom semi and renting each room for £600 a month. This caravan can be rented for £800 a month. It has central heating and it's big enough for a family." Inside the caravan a man and his wife sat behind a table.
"I work 35 hours a week for the minimum wage," said the man, "and my wife works 2 days a week in a sandwich shop. We're better off than we were on Universal Credit." His wife laughed.
"Oh yes," she said, "we're much better off than we were then." The man in the suit appeared standing next to a smaller caravan.
"This is a 2 berth caravan, ideal for a couple, which can be rented for £400 a month." Inside the caravan, a woman was lying on the couch come bed.
"I'm an apprentice hairdresser and I do bar work at the weekend. This an ideal caravan to share with your partner. It's a really cheap place to live." A woman in a suit appeared standing beside a tent.
"This tent is kept secure with a chain with a combination padlock." She put in the number and undid the padlock. Now the camera followed her into the tent.
"Doesn't it get cold in winter?" asked a voice.
"No, of course not. It has a wood pellet burning stove with a twin walled chimney going through the top of the tent. The tent can survive a one hundred mile per hour wind. It is warm, safe and secure. A pitch on this site can be yours for only £70 a month. This is the cheapest way you could ever live and work in London." A huge building appeared on the screen which looked like a beehive.
"A block of flats made entirely from pipes," said a voice. "The pipes are 2M wide and 2.5M long." The camera zoomed in to where a man stood in the window. It then appeared to go through the window and come into the apartment, where the man sat on the bed and began speaking.
"I live in flat 94 on floor K. It's good, living in a bedpipe. It has a toilet and a shower on one side, and on this side there is the bed. There's not much room to cook anything, and you'd make a mess of the bed. There's a picnic table on the field outside where you can make your own sandwiches. On rainy days I go to the cafe. There's a very nice view of the M25. You can't get much for £200 a month in London." The video ended.
"Do you still want to go and live in London?" asked Michael, laughing.
"Well, it might be better than living with your Uncle and having no money," said Susan.
The next day Michael spoke to his uncle Keith.
"I'm thinking of going to London to look for a job there."
"Who isn't?" asked Keith. "I remember when London used to be a city of 10 million people. Now everybody wants to live there. Families living in caravans. A little 2 bedroom house, like this one, would house a man and his wife and 2 students."
"They've got people living in bedpipes," said Michael.
"Beehives," said Keith. "A structure made up of pipes, 20 storeys high and a quarter of a mile long, and people living in the pipes, like bees."
"There's plenty of jobs in London."
"Of course there are. People want to move out. If you've got a 10 year checkable work history, if you're reasonably good at interviews, you get a job somewhere else. Employers can't hold on to anyone in London. I'd earn twice as much money if I lived in London but I don't want to live in a beehive."
"I'm doing all right here, selling 60 copies of the Big Issue every week and living with you."
"Michael, you can stay here for as long as you like. You're very welcome here."
"Just because you need a fridge and some new clothes."
"I'm thinking of going to London to look for a job there."
"Who isn't?" asked Keith. "I remember when London used to be a city of 10 million people. Now everybody wants to live there. Families living in caravans. A little 2 bedroom house, like this one, would house a man and his wife and 2 students."
"They've got people living in bedpipes," said Michael.
"Beehives," said Keith. "A structure made up of pipes, 20 storeys high and a quarter of a mile long, and people living in the pipes, like bees."
"There's plenty of jobs in London."
"Of course there are. People want to move out. If you've got a 10 year checkable work history, if you're reasonably good at interviews, you get a job somewhere else. Employers can't hold on to anyone in London. I'd earn twice as much money if I lived in London but I don't want to live in a beehive."
"I'm doing all right here, selling 60 copies of the Big Issue every week and living with you."
"Michael, you can stay here for as long as you like. You're very welcome here."
"Just because you need a fridge and some new clothes."
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Comments
Bitter and
ascerbically funny.
You change the spelling of "caravanning" to "caravaning" on occasion.
"Bed come couch"... the expression is derived from the latin "cum" meaning "with":
anything serving two purposes can be described as "whatever-cum-thingy". You may have seen the version used ("come") quite a lot but it's not strictly correct.
Terrific, fact-intensive satire. Thanks for posting it
Ewan
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