Girl With the Sun in Her Eyes

I am one who cannot be seen. A dreamer with a rucksack, standing on
the edge of this road. Invisible. I think I chose the wrong junction,
but I'm too tired to try another one. I've been stood here for hours.
My brain is going numb with the sound of the traffic and seeing car
after car zoom passed. But I shouldn't feel bitter that everyone is
just driving past ignoring me. You know, it is my fault I've got no
money. I'm just sponging I guess. I don't blame them for not stopping.
I don't know why I persist in standing here, nobody is going to stop, I
can tell. I've been to junctions like this before.. it's no use. I
should carry on walking, walk to the next junction. Maybe I should just
walk anyway, it doesn't cost anything to walk, who needs cars. I could
walk and never stop walking, just walk forever, with no particular
destination in mind, like a nomad; that would be freedom, that would be
bliss, but I'm tired, real tired. God I wish someone would stop, this
rain is unbearable. I'm freezing, don't think I can take much more.
Maybe I should go look for a shelter, but I'm feeling paranoid. This
place gives me the creeps. I don't know where I am, is just where I was
dropped off. All I know is I just want to get out of here. I don't
really know where I'm going, I just want to find some place far away,
where I can dream my dreams. Where I can breathe fresh air, and look up
at pure skies, be near the sea, gaze at the stars. A place where I can
feel the magic of wood and hill. Is there a God? If there is, forgive
me for being so selfish, but could you please help me get the Hell out
of here.. please.

My clothes are soaked, are clinging to my skin, am I insane? What am I
doing anyway? Why am I here?

A car stops, black ford escort, I can't believe it. I pick up my
rucksack from the floor and run to it, it is just a few yards in front.
But as soon as I reach the passenger door, the car pulls away suddenly
screeching and beeps it's horn. I see some people on the backseat and
they give me the one finger salute from the rear window of the car,
they are laughing at me. I feel angry, real angry suddenly, I kick a
nearby stone and it stubs my toe. I start limping in pain, God this is
Hell. I sit down on my rucksack, head bowed, I feel beat man, real
beat; I'm staring at the ground, no longer caring.. I kind of want to
die. Then I hear a car pull up, the crunch of stones under car tyres as
it slows down.. and a woman shouting over to me.

"Hey you there, are you ok?"

I look up in shock, is this for real? This better not be another
joke.

"Hey are you alright, do you want a lift?"

I stare as if looking at a mirage or something, trieing to figure out
if it's real. It seems to take quite a moment for it all to sink in.
Then in pure joy I grab my rucksack saying:

"Yes, if that's ok.. please."

"Alright then hop in, you can put your bag in the boot. I'm going to
Oban. Where are you going?"

"Anywhere, is Oban near the sea?"

"Yes it is, it's a long way from here though.. over 400 miles."

"Oban sounds great."

"Ok then hop in, I'll take you all the way there. I could do with some
company to be honest. I tell you what, you can help me to stay awake..
in exchange for me driving you to Oban."

"That's a deal." I say real chuffed suddenly.

The boot of the car goes click, and I open it and place my soaked
rucksack in there. Then I shut the boot and sit in the passenger seat
next to the woman.

"Aww look at you, " she says, "you're drenched."

She switches on the fan heater and hot air begins to blow into the car,
and then suddenly we're off, moving. The white lines in the middle of
the road melding into one continous line. I feel euphoric, I am quietly
thanking God in my mind. This is a miracle, is this woman an angel.
Wow, I don't care, I'm out of the rain and I'm moving again, I'm ok
when I'm moving, I feel alive when I'm moving, I'm happy when I'm
moving; it's just when I'm stood still, stagnating, I can't handle
that.

"My name's Natalie," she says.

"I'm Aiden."

"Nice to meet you Aiden. Are you hungry?"

"A little, but I'll be ok."

She rummages around on her dashboard and chucks a king size snickers
bar onto my lap, "Here take this, " She says. "It'll do you good, you
need some food in you after standing in that rain."

"Thanks," I say, undoing the wrapper and eating it like it's the first
thing I've eaten in days. Come to think of it, it probably is the first
thing I've eaten in days, I can't remember if I've eaten today or not.
My head is battered..

"Do you smoke pot?" She asks.

"Yeah."

"Hey listen I'm gagging for a spliff, but it's kind of awkward to make
one whilst I'm driving, would you mind making one for me?"

"No worries, " I say.

She reaches across to the glove compartment and opens it, "All the
equipment is in there." She says.

I get a road atlas from the side pocket in the door to use as a
make-shift table, and pull out the skins, tobbaco and skunk weed from
the glove compartment. I am relieved to see that she uses blue
rizla.

"Great you got blue rizla," I say.

"Oh yeah I know, don't you just hate it when people skin up with red
rizla. All that paper.. ugh."

"Yeah, " I say licking the papers and sticking them together. This is
the lift from heaven. God I will never doubt you again.

"But you will won't you," she says.

"Eh?"

"You will doubt him again won't you?"

I pause a moment feeling freaked, did I say my thoughts out loud
without realizing? I don't know, I go quiet while I try to figure out
what she meant by her question - and for a moment there is just the
sound of the engine and the rustle of the rizla papers.

"Have you finished that joint yet?" She asks after a while... breaking
the silence.

"Er.. yeah," I say, my hands shaking a little. I light it, have a toke,
and pass it over to her.

"Thanks," she says, inhaling deeply and smiles.. "Yes, you know how to
make a good joint Aiden. "

"Ta"

"You're still feeling a bit freaked out about my question. It's ok...do
you remember a few years ago, you visited a certain web-site?"

"Not sure," I say, feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Maybe I can help to remind you. You were searching for the meaning of
life. Looking for answers, and you found some... yes."

"Mmm... rings a bell...maybe." I say feeling my face go a bit pale. I
am feeling spooked now, vague memories of my modem screeching to life
on it's own, my computer switching itself on and messages from God
flashing across the screen... had all that really happend? It seemed
like such a long time ago now.

"Yes.. and do you remember you wrote a story about it: The
Awakening."

"Oh yeah I did.. I remember now; you've read my story... right?"

"I inspired you to write it." She says.

"Really..." I say, feeling a bit freaked out by her now; wondering if
maybe she is a bit of a psychic nutter.

"And what have you learned since then Aiden?" She says.

"Look I don't know who you are, but you can stop this car right now and
let me out. You're giving me the creeps."

"What, and go back out into that pouring rain in the middle of nowhere?
And I was kind enough to answer your prayer by giving you a lift; is
this how you thank me. Remember we've got a deal, you have to keep me
awake." She turns to look at me and her eyes seem to be shining with a
supernatural light; like they are two suns blazing, I feel my heart
beat extremely fast.

"Do not be afraid, " she says. "This is to help you believe."

Do not be afraid, is she having a laugh? I don't know if this is real,
I mean I could be a having a flashback, right? I could be tripping out,
she is just a normal girl and I am hallucinating, it's all the acid I
used to take, she'll be back to normal soon.

"Aiden, you disappoint me, still doubting aren't you. You are always
doubting. What can I do to make you believe?" She sighs and her eyes
return to normal. I sit very still, unsure as to whether the whole
thing was in my head, and I have been doing some crazy stuff lately so
it could well be; or maybe it was real, and this woman, Natalie: is
God... but..

"You don't think I can be female as well?" She says.

I brush my fingers through my hair.. "Of course.. well I mean most
people think God's a he, but there's no reason why he can't be a she as
well... look I think I'm going a bit crazy, erm.. maybe you should stop
the car."

"OK," she says and pulls over onto the hard shoulder. I look out the
window and the rain is really pelting hard against it and I feel
hesitant. "Not a good night to be out walking," she says. I reach for
the door handle. "And if the police catch you on the hard shoulder,
you'll be in trouble; like that time two months ago when they put you
in the cells for the night."

"How do you know about that time two months ago? Oh yeah right you're
God, of course, forgive me Lord I forgot, you know everything right?" I
am definately feeling a bit crazy now; but I don't really give a damn,
in fact I feel a bit angry. "And ok then God, if I can call you that,
or shall I call you Natalie. Well anyway whatever you call yourself,
just answer me one question: what the hell is God doing smoking
pot?"

"What is wrong with smoking pot?"

"Well for a start it is against the law, and doesn't that make it bad?
Isn't it a sin to break the law. "

She blows a smoke ring towards me and smiles. "I never once recall
saying that smoking pot was wrong. I put the plant there for you to
enjoy, it is a herb. Did I not say: see I have given you every herb
that yields seed which is on the face of the earth. And hey it's my
herb I made it, I can damn well smoke it if I like. " She takes a very
long toke, holding the smoke in her lungs for a moment before blowing
it back out again. "In my past I have also been known to be partial to
a glass of wine and excellent food, a glutton and a winebibber they
used to call me in Jerusalem. What's wrong with that though? I mean the
way I get potrayed sometimes, anyone would think I didn't want people
to have fun. But I do, I want everybody to eat, drink and be
merry."

I look at her in disbelief, this can't be real. "Ok then God, if it
really is you, what's the lesson you're going to teach me this time
huh? Not to hitch-hike in the rain? That I need to smoke more
drugs?"

"There is no lesson Aiden, or maybe there is. It depends on how you
look at it; and that's all I'm going to say on the matter."

She passes the spliff back to me with a serious expression on her
face...

***

I wake up suddenly, I'm in the passenger seat of a car, a sign saying:
'Oban' goes passed the window. I can smell seasalt in the air, and it
is invigorating. I turn to see Natalie concentrating on the road. And
then I realize I was meant to be keeping her awake, but it's too late
now: "Sorry," I say croaking, "I didn't mean to fall asleep, must have
been more tired than I thought."

She smiles, "It's ok you needed the sleep, I don't mind."

After a while she pulls up by the seafront, and I see people from all
walks of life walking along it, it feels magical.

"Would it be ok if I dropped you off here?" She says.

"Yeah this is great."

I sit there for a moment before opening the passenger door. "Thanks" I
say.

"Take care Aiden, and wrap up warm."

"I will do, thanks very much for the lift I appreciate it."

"No worries, " she pulls a lever which opens the boot of the car. I
step out of the car and it feels so good to stretch my legs, I look
around and can really smell the seasalt now, and the air feels so
fresh. I get my bag from the boot, which to my amazement is now dry,
then close it down. I wave goodbye to Natalie, who waves goodbye back
and pulls away from the curb beeping her horn. And for a brief moment I
swear her eyes are like two blazing suns. I close my eyes shake my head
for a few seconds then open them again to see that her car has
gone.

I walk along the seafront without a care in the world, and I feel
happy, happy to be so far away from home, happy to be by the sea; and
as I look around I have good feelings about this place. I look up at
the sky and the rain has cleared, I can see all the stars now, wow so
many stars. I see some woods and a hill in the near distance.. I hear
the sea crashing to the shore, hear the seagulls.. I am alive.