Grace Part Nine.

So, when we got home after the wedding, it was still hot, so we had a bath, I went first then Paul. I’d bought some lovely lingerie for my wedding night. I was excited and nervous at the same time. We talked a bit about how fabulous the day was and we both agreed that it was the perfect day, nothing had gone wrong, indeed things could only get better now.

I think Paul may have sensed my apprehension, and said, “Lets just cuddle up tonight as its late now we have got the rest of our lives,” I nodded and thought, how lovely is he, how many men would say that on their wedding night when they have had to wait already. I had indeed married the right one.

I went to sleep happy and it didn’t sink in that I was married at last! We’d only met eight months ago, and what a wild and fantastic adventure it was. I of course woke first as I have been an early riser all my life, from a very young child. I looked over at my sleeping Husband and smiled. Every thing was perfect. We were off for two long weeks from work and the weather was hot, it was the height of Summer.

I went downstairs made myself a lovely cupper, wrote in my journal and read the Bible, then cooked a full English breakfast, for us.

We’d had a lovely relaxed day, then later on we went upstairs, my apprehension returned, but I tried to dismiss it, what did I need to be fearful of, nothing, everything was legal and above board. Then Paull touched me, gentle and sweet and soft, my heart beat fast, I tried to relax but I just couldn’t my mind in overdrive! This didn’t feel right, this felt like Uncle Stan’s hands and Uncle Stan’s horrible face flashing constantly before my face! I said to Paul, “I’m not ready, please lets just wait a bit.....” He looked puzzled and asked, “What’s wrong?” I didn’t want to ruin the moment, or was that too late, had I ruined the moment? Paul said, “I’m going downstairs for a cigarette and a coffee, do you want a cup of tea?” I replied, “No thank you.” I wasn’t sure what had just happened, this was totally new to me, to see my Uncle’s face in front of mine instead of my Husband’s what was all that about?  

We chilled that day, we went to charity shops, places we both love and enjoyed, been of work and we enjoyed each others company.  Everything was almost perfect, but not quite. I certainly wasn’t looking forward to the next time we were to try to consummate our marriage! God help me, I thought.

Many years before I’d been out with another man, nothing happened or anything like that. But he didn’t work and he’d been in a relationship where is girlfriend had been unfaithful to him. So, after many years they had split up and had gone their separate ways. But sadly, for me, he was full of insecurities, and wanted to see me seven days a week to make sure I wasn’t unfaithful to him! This was nonsense and I told him, “This will not work, for what you need is a shop window dummy,” He even wanted to come with me when I was took a child out for her birthday meal, which had been planned before I met him, I told him, “No way!” He would meet me outside of work then come back home to my Mum’s house and stay until twelve midnight, just to make sure I wasn’t with anyone else! After a few months of this hell, I told him, “We are going to have to end this relationship, as I can’t live like this.” He was ten years older than me and he said, “If you finish with me, I’ll kill myself!” Oh, my goodness, was I scared, I didn’t want the death of anyone placed on me, so I reluctantly said, “OK we can still go out,” but I felt trapped. He still carried on seeing me seven days a week, meeting me outside of work waling me to my Mum’s and staying till midnight or later. I said to him after a month of this, “Can we not see each every day?” He replied, “How many days?” I said, “Five days,” As I was fed up of him and his possessive ways. He said, “That’s the first step to splitting up, no I don’t want to do that!” So, each time my friends rang me he’s stand next to me in the Hall, as that’s where the only phone was in the house, he’d stand next to me with his ear to mine, the other side of the ear piece. My friends were unaware, that he was listening in on their call to me, not that anything was amiss. So again, having had to put up with this nonsense for I saw him too at our POW every Sunday, I told him, “Sorry, I have to end this,” He cried buckets and said, “I cant live without out, I’ll kill myself,” But I’d spoken to a trusted friend before hand, who’d given me sound advise, “Don’t let him  bribe you with lies, you are not responsible for his action!” She was disgusted that he’d used cruel words like that to force me to stay. So, we parted and he left the POW. I think of him occasionally and wonder did he ever carry out his threats.

I decided God willing, should I have another boyfriend, I’d never let that happen again, I’d go to the other extreme and see him one day a week!!!! I’d learnt my Lesson. So, when I met Paul I only went out with him on a Tuesday! He was happy with that and so was I. Then after a few weeks Paul wanted to see me more than just one day a week, so I suggested he come to my place of Worship, so I saw him on Thursday as well, then he still wanted to see me some more, he saw me on Sunday evenings, so those where I worshiped got to know him and he got to know some of them. Then one lovely day he became a Believer too! It was a lovely day and time in both our lives. I loved him SO much, he was just so sweet. Paul with his new Faith, said, "Lets pray about it," So we both prayed, but nothing happened.