Spotty Oik

 

“Watch that wall, mate, it eats people,” said the Spotty Oik. Then he barked into the face of the passing stranger, who inevitably flinched, upon which the Spotty Oik laughed the laugh of the Spotty Oik.

 

The Spotty Oik did this every day between 3 and 3.30pm, Monday to Friday. There wasn’t a particularly high volume of human traffic passing through the underpass during this time period, but enough that a good few handfuls were recipients of his raggin.

 

The Spotty Oik’s girlfriend, who he called his ‘woman’ or his ‘bae’ or sometimes his ‘cheesemuffin,’ hung back a bit whilst the raggin occurred, smoking and texting. Then, when 3.30 arrived, she followed him, a few paces behind, out of the underpass. But on this occasion, as they were heading for the exit, she heard a low growling.

 

“Quit bexing me, ya hufter,” said the girlfriend. “I ain’t one o’your prankees.”

 

“You talking kak, bae,” said the Spotty Oik. “Now folla me, woman.”

 

Upon which the growling intensified, the wall pulsed and then gobbled up the Spotty Oik’s girlfriend.

 

“Cheesemuffin!” said the Spotty Oik, as his girlfriend screamed for about three seconds.

 

Then the wall belched and she was gone.

 

“Savage,” said the Spotty Oik, who then shrugged and continued on his way.

 

...

 

“She is well peng!” said the Spotty Oik, as an attractive young lady came towards him.

 

He had forgotten about his girlfriend by now, as it was half and hour later.

 

An elderly gentlemen, upon overhearing the Spotty Oik’s comment, murmured something unpleasant.

 

The Spotty Oik murmured something unpleasant in return.

 

“How would you like to ride my motorbike?” said the Spotty Oik to the ‘well peng’ lady, as she came within earshot.

 

“How would you like to feel my knee up your spotty crack?” said the attractive young lady.

 

The Spotty Oik thought he would quite like that, so he laughed the laugh of the Spotty Oik.

 

 

Unenamoured of the Spotty Oik’s derisive laugh, accompanied as it was by lewd gestures, the attractive young lady fulfilled her implied promise of inserting knee spotty-crackward.

 

The Spotty Oik didn’t enjoy this as much as he would have hoped.

 

“Savage,” said the Spotty Oik, as the fit bird continued on her way.

 

...

 

The Spotty Oik’s destination was Maccy D’s, where he intended to relieve some snivelling schoolkid of his or her pocket money and make purchase of a double cheeseburger and fries. Just as he approached the Golden Arches, however, there was a sound like a crack of thunder and an enormous robot appeared, blasting freely through the potential customers of McDonalds.

 

Harsh - thought the Spotty Oik, as he took refuge in the restaurant and placed his order.

 

“What’s going on out there?” said the greasy-haired youth behind the counter.

 

“Oy!” said the Spotty Oik. “I said double cheeseburger and fries!”

 

“But there’s a-”

 

A mini rocket crashed through the shopfront and took out the greasy-haired youth, with an explosion of body parts, organs and other wet and squelchy bits.

 

Which was a stroke of luck for the Spotty Oik, as he hadn’t yet had chance to relieve a snivelling schoolkid of their pocket money - so he leapt over the counter and helped himself to din-dins.

 

...

 

The Spotty Oik tossed his almost-empty burger carton into a pram.

 

“Hey, you little hooligan, that’s my baby!” said the mum.

 

“I wouldn’t admit to being the muvva of that fugly brat,” said the Spotty Oik.

 

The muvva of the fugly brat glared at the Spotty Oik and stomped off, with the aforementioned mini minger, into the betting shop.

 

“Dat some peng milf,” said the Spotty Oik, as he admired the way said lady’s rear fitted into her skinny jeans.

 

“Da only booty you should be mirin is mine, ya perv!” said the Spotty Oik’s girlfriend, who had just, like, literally appeared out of nowhere.

 

“Cheesemuffin!” said the Spotty Oik. “But I eyed you get gobbled, bae!”

 

“An’ if ya don’t stop looking like ya want that sket to do the gobblin’, ya can forget about me being your ‘cheesemuffin’,” said the Spotty Oik’s girlfriend.

 

“I feel ya, honeybear. Let’s go rag on some wrinklies.”

 

The Spotty Oik’s girlfriend reluctantly agreed.