Britney and Shania

 

- a tale of friendship in eight parts.

 

 

Pt1

 

“You’re, like, literally standing on my toe, Britney.”

 

“I’m, like, so sorry, Shania. I totally never meant to stand on your toe.”

 

“That’s okay, Britney, but you’re, like, still standing on my toe.”

 

“Ohmygod, I’m, like, so stupid. You, like, literally just told me to stop standing on your toe and I’m totally still standing on your toe.”

 

“Britney?”

 

“Like, yeah, Shania?”

 

“Will you remove your freakin foot from my freakin toe?!”

 

“Like, ohmygod, I can’t believe I still haven’t taken my foot off your toe! I’m, like, totally sorry. I mean, literally.”

 

Britney removed her foot from Shania’s toe.

 

 

 

Pt2

 

“Like, how long is it going to take to get to the front of this queue, Britney?”

 

“Like, yeah, right? We’ve, like, totally been standing here for literally five minutes.”

 

“Like, yeah, right? Do they not realise we’ve got more important things to do than stand in a queue for, like, our entire lives?”

 

“Like, yeah, right? I feel like I’m going to literally die if we don’t get to the front of this queue, like, soon.”

 

“Next please,” said the cashier.

 

“Like, rude,” said Britney.

 

“Totally,” said Shania.

 

 

 

Pt3

 

“I can’t believe that cashier, Britney.”

 

“I know, like, she was totally the rudest person I have ever met.”

 

“£5.36. Like I have that kind of money just lying around.”

 

“And after you totally offered to do her a makeover!”

 

“I know, right? That’s the last time I offer to do a cashier a makeover.”

 

“Like, harsh.”

 

“You’ve got to be firm about these things, Britney.”

 

“Like, totally.”

 

 

 

Pt4

 

“Like, look at my phone, Shania.”

 

“It’s, like, totally the same phone as you had yesterday, Britney.”

 

“But just look at my phone, Shania.”

 

“Like, why am I looking at your phone, Britney?”

 

“Just, like, look at my phone, Shania.”

 

“Okay, Britney, I’m, like, literally looking at your phone.”

 

“Can you see it, Shania?”

 

“I’m not, like, blind, Britney. I can totally see your phone.”

 

“But can you, like, see it, Shania?”

 

Shania scrunched up her eyes, bit her bottom lip and pressed her fingers to her temples.

 

“Like, ohmygod, your new phone case is so pretty, Britney.”

 

“I haven’t changed my phone case, Shania.”

 

“Oh…”

 

 

 

Pt5

 

It turned out Britney had changed her wallpaper from one fluffy pink kitten to a slightly different fluffy pink kitten. But what came up on her phone now was ‘TLN,’ which meant ‘Total Like Nightmare,’ which meant her mom.

 

“Total, like, nightmare,” said Britney.

 

“Your mom?,” said Shania.

 

“Like, yeah. She’s, like, totes embo.”

 

“Like, ‘embo’?”

 

“Like, embarrassing, Shania. Don’t you understand, like, English?”

 

“Ohmygod, like, now I’m totes embo. That’s, like, literally totes obvs.”

 

“Like, literally.”

 

“Aren’t you going to, like, answer it, Britney?”

 

“Are you literally joking? It’s my mom, Shania!”

 

“But aren’t you going to, like, answer your phone?”

 

“I would rather work as a cashier in, like, Tesco’s, and turn down a makeover from a totally hot babe, Shania!”

 

“Like, harsh.”

 

“She’s hung up now, anyway.”

 

 

 

Pt6

 

Britney’s mom texted Britney. The text said...

 

Hello, Britney, darling. I don’t think your phone’s working. Could you buy some milk on the way home please? Thank you, sweetie.

 

“Like, ohmygod,” said Britney.

 

“What is it, Britney?,” said Shania.

 

“My mom is, like, literally the most embo mom ever.”

 

“What’s ‘embo’ again, Britney?”

 

“Sometimes I don’t know why I’m your friend, Shania.”

 

“But what is it, Britney?”

 

“What’s, like, what, Shania?”

 

“Like, I don’t even know, Britney. I’ve, like, totally forgot what we were talking about.”

 

“Literally?”

 

“Literally.”

 

 

 

Pt7

 

Britney stared at the cartons of milk for about five minutes.

 

“Why are we in here again?,” said Shania.

 

“I thought you wanted something,” said Britney.

 

 

 

Pt8

 

“I’ve, like, totally got to delete my mom from my phone,” said Britney.

 

“Like, why, Britney?,” said Shania. “What did she say?”

 

“It’s not what she says, it’s how she says it. She, like, literally uses proper words and everything.”

 

“Totes embo.”

 

“Yeah, totes embo. It’s like she’s literally a caveman or something.”

 

“Your mom’s a man?”

 

“What?”

 

“You said your mom’s-”

 

“I know what I, like, said, but what did you say, Shania?”

 

“I said you said your mom’s-”

 

“Like, seriously, Shania; I mean, like, literally, you shouldn’t insult my family, you know?”

 

“But I didn’t-”

 

“I mean, like, wow, Shania; I don’t know how you can say that; my brain’s just, like, literally exploded; I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”

 

“Like, whatevs.”

 

“Yeah, whatevs.”

 

[ the end of Britney and Shania ]