Head-Crash

Cherry

By HarryC

Tue, 16 Oct 2018
  • 9788 reads
28 comments
 

I had an 'incident' at work today.  I use that term in preference to 'meltdown'.  But that's what it was.  It's left me drained.  The only way I can try to make sense of it is to write about it.

Some context.  As I've said in other pieces, I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's three years ago, aged 56.  It's really hard to put across the impact of that.  You go through pretty much your whole life - from the age of 6 for me - feeling different.  You don't know why you're different.  But you are.  You can't make friends.  You can't make sense of your lessons at school.  You can't work to the plan that's laid out for you - the plan that everyone else seems to understand.  But you don't understand it.  You try, but you fail.  Constantly.

So you have to put up with what goes along with that.  Bullying.  Ridicule.  Being called an idiot.  Stupid.  Incompetent.  Incapable.  Dull.  Unfriendly.  And on and on.  And why should you expect anything less?  You get things wrong all the time.  You can't keep pace.  You don't fit in.  So maybe that's what you deserve.

There's something wrong with you.

So, you fail at school.  You carry that with you into the world of work, where you still don't quite fit.  You still feel you're getting laughed at, talked about.  You still get things wrong.  You still can't make friends.  You still don't understand whatever it is that everyone else seems to understand.  And the problem is - no one will tell you what it is.  It's like a conspiracy going on around you.

You develop tactics to try to deal with this situation.  You study others.  You try to see what it is they're doing.  You try doing it yourself.  But somehow, it doesn't work.  You get it wrong in some way.  You over-compensate.  Or you make a fool of yourself.  You get your leg pulled all the time because you're an easy target for leg-pullers.

So you try something else.  You become a people-pleaser.  You agree with what the purple people are saying one day, to keep in with them.  Then, the next day, you agree with what the green people are saying.  Then the blue people.  And so on.  You have these conflicts going on in your head, because you think some of what the purple people are saying is wrong.  But you don't want to upset them.  Likewise, with the others.  And then one day you end up not really knowing what you know.  It's all confusing.  There are all these different wiring arrangements and cross-patches and conflicting codes... and none of it makes any sense.  And in trying so hard to please everyone, you end up displeasing the one person who really - in essence - matters.  Yourself.  You feel like a cipher.  Or a puppet, with your strings pulled in all directions.

You go from job to job to job - never sticking around for too long because you invariably end up with too many people not liking you for one reason or another.  Maybe you just don't seem friendly enough.  Maybe you don't enjoy the gossip.  Maybe you don't fit with any of the cliques.  You never seem to progress with anything because you're not in anything long enough.  And so you go on, through life, finding the whole thing a puzzle.  You take refuge wherever you can.  Often, in a room by yourself with your head buried in your special interest.  Computer gaming.  Reading.  Writing.  Collecting stamps or train numbers.  Whatever.  You might even turn to something that gives a bit of relief from the weirdness, and the anxiety it all causes.  Drink.  Drugs.  Something like that.  Something that makes you feel more like you can fit in.  Or something that makes you not care less that you can't.

And so you wind up at a certain age - perhaps middle-age - and you look back at it all and wonder what it was all about.  And you wonder if the rest of it is going to be any better.  You have a bit more wisdom and insight now - you can pass yourself off out there with reasonable authenticity.  But you're still different.  And you still don't know why.  But you have to go on.  Because what else is there?  You don't know if it can get better without trying it.  But your past record doesn't give you much hope.

And then one day you find yourself in a situation where you are pretty certain that you are doing the right thing.  At least, you're certain that you are doing the right thing in the context of the other people around you, even though - underneath it all - something tells you that it isn't the right thing after all.  And then you suddenly find yourself completely wrong-footed by those other people around you.  They don't think you're doing the right thing at all.  So they then proceed to completely undermine you.  They take away your authority.  They bombard you with evidence of where you're going wrong.  You get all the stuff you've had all your life suddenly thrown at you all at once.

And then the regulators in your head - the ones you've worked so hard to keep steady  - suddenly hit overload.  And you do the only thing you can to relieve the pressure.  You punch the wall.  And then it all resets itself.

Except, it doesn't.  Because suddenly, in that split second, those other people have seen another side of you that doesn't make sense to them.  And before you know it, they're backing off, running for help, reporting you... saying they don't want to work around you again.

So you come home - your head filled with static - and you sit down, and you think to yourself

How do I get them, finally, to understand?  How do I get them to listen?

And you really haven't got a clue.  Because you've tried everything you can, many times before.

And none of it has ever worked.

Whatever you do - you're wrong.

Certificate PG
Non-fiction
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

It's surely good to remember that most people have some sort of awkwardnesses, and it's how you react after 'losing it' that is so important. If people see you wish you hadn't had a short fuse, they tend to sympathise and not worry. And also glad that whatever your difficulties you are to be trusted and not going around gossipping or being devious in your friendships. I remember my David being like a limp rag when he realised he'd lost his cool (quite often my fault, I think, but he says now he realised I was trying!). I particularly remember though listening to him practicing the piano, and getting it wrong, going back and refusing to slow down, and so the same place the tangle coming, then again … and knowing he would end up frustrated. Eventually he did learn one had to slow down to get your fingers to solve the problem!

Hope you feel better tomorrow, and try not to worry about others maybe not understanding you. They probably have their own problems and worries! Rhiannon

 

Submitted by HarryC on

Thanks, Rhiannon - but it's isn't about being awkward or having a short fuse.  It's about being autistic.  And this is what I can't get people to understand - even though I work for an autism charity, where everyone, of course, is an expert in autism.  And not one of them, except me, is autistic.

I get told I'm 'lucky' because I'm high-functioning.  I truly challenge that.  Because I look like everyone else, and hold down a job, and drive a car, and keep a home, I'm expected to behave like everyone else, too.  But when I behave differently - in a way entirely consistent with my condition - people are shocked.  We have a service user who hits the wall all the time, and people don't bat an eyelid because it's expected of him.  And people look at him and look at me and see completely different people, because I don't have learning disabilities and care needs as he does.  They don't understand, though, that I have more in common with him than I have with them.

It really doesn't surprise me in the least that the average life-expectancy of an autistic person is 54, and the main cause of early deaths among high-functioning autistics is suicide.  Some people can manage to keep being a cat in a roomful of dogs, and become pretty good at behaving like dogs themselves.  But too many years of denying your essential 'catness' takes its toll in the end.

I sometimes really wish I had the ordinary problems and worries of a neurotypical person.  It might be a relief.

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Ultimately I guess none of us fully understands another, and their difficulties – that is God's prerogative, and in extremities it is his understanding support that can really give help to our minds, hearts and emotions.

As Celt says I think, you have a lot of thoughtful empathy for people that can sow seeds of help for others.

Rhiannon

 

Submitted by celticman on

I'm all out of advice and I don't know. You expose the hypocirsy of others. I don't imagine I'm much differrent from the dictatorland you live in. I'm a hypocrite too. I play Judas and take on the role of Jesus. I guess you're typecast, or labelled. It's a fucked-up world we live in. Your reports from the other side, well, a thing of beauty. 

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Like you say, you have rights as an autistic person. In order to gain your insights into the worlds of the people they are looking after they should accept that you do have problems with stuff they think is easy. While it's a good thing for a writer to be sensitive it also means even slight frictions can be rough enough to hurt your confidence deeply.

Whatever happened may well not be as you fear. Everyone can be tired or overstressed sometimes?

 

Submitted by HarryC on

But this is another thing I get told a lot. All autistic people do. 'Everyone gets stressed. Everyone gets anxious' etc. It gets normalised because it's the only way people seem to be able to comprehend it. Autistic anxiety starts, though, where most other people's has already peaked. It's of a different order. And it's pretty much the default condition when you're in a world where no one seems to get that.

Submitted by Di_Hard on

sorry not to be clear - I meant they might have been stressed or tired

If you're like me you're always stressed around other people, it's like background music so loud you have to struggle to hear yourself think, or fighting to get out from under a huge blanket :0)

 

Submitted by HarryC on

Sorry. Maybe I should not have posted this with the way my head is. Thank you all for your comments.

Submitted by Ed Crane on

I read with great interest your story and your replies to other comments and it got me thinking about your situation and those with the similar problems.

Now, I don't want to be-little autism by any means, but it looks to me like Aspergers is the new medical buzzword for folks with socialising problems, possibly due to those like Mark Haddon and Chris Packham. Just a few years ago it was "Bi-Polarism" that made people different.

However, it occurs to me one of the major problems you and other Asperger and Bi-Polar sufferers in the UK have, is the fact you live in a country of piss-takers. 

I am a Brit, but for over 25 years I've lived in a small EU country (you know the EU .... that dark place taking away the rights of Britain ho-ho). The point is, in general, people here don't hide behind sarcasm and ridicule. They consider it rude and degrading. If they have something to say they come out with it, usually politely, but not always. They are not angels of course, for example, they have the annoying habit of pre-judging people by their appearance like what they wear etc, but piss-taking is just not in the culture. I think that's why they don't "get" so called English humour. They see is no point in laughing at themselves or anybody else (except politicians maybe)

A couple of examples: When I first arrived here, my Father-in-law introduced me to one of his neighbours, a guy from the Nottingham area who'd lived here since the fifties. He could barely remember his own language. I asked what it was like to work with the people here. 

He said, 'I liked working here from the beginning they helped me with the language and they didn't "laugh me out."'

I knew he meant ... they don't take the wee-wee. 

Another example: When his son was very small, the doctors told my Brother-in-law he probably had a form of autism because of his behaviour patterns. The boy was always a bit intense, but nothing worrying. Around 12 he developed a passion for gardening. He used to do our garden and other's for pocket money, he was very focused. He didn't do too well at school and left as soon as he could at 18 and went to work for a landscape gardener. The family were bit worried but he "went for it."

Now at 22, he's got his own house a wife and child and good car and he's planning to start up on his own business. He's also and expert at his hobby, kite-surfing

My point: He wasn't treated as different, but he got no favours either. He was just allowed to develop into his own person. I seriously doubt it would have been the same story if he'd grown up in the UK.

Harry, I guess what I'm trying to say is: It's not you, it's THEM!

You can't fight ignorance so don't waste energy even trying.

I understand your frustration, all I can say is good luck.

Ed

 

 

Submitted by HarryC on

Thanks, Ed.  I take your overall point.  I agree about the 'buzzword' thing.  People latch onto something which seems to explain something about themselves - such as their shyness - and grasp it firmly.  I used to use some FaceAche autism forums where people - usually young - would come on and say things like 'I pick my nose a lot.  Does that mean I'm autistic?'  One person even said one day 'I think Asperger's is cool.  How do I get diagnosed with it?'  Facile, juvenile rubbish.  Genuine people like myself, and many other (mainly late-diagnosed) people on the main adult forum I use, have got a huge amount of relief from finally finding out the root of our problems.  Real problems.  By my mid-30s, I got so screwed up that I had a breakdown, and have suffered from depressions ever since.  I won't go into detail, but some things that have happened in the last ten years mean I'm quite lucky still to be here.  My diagnosis turned my world around, as it did for these other people I'm now in contact with.  That forum is the only sane place I can go to.  It's my social life, my validation, everything.  We discuss things that would get the rest of the world thinking we're a bunch of highly-strung weirdoes and losers.  I can't over-emphasise the importance of it.  It isn't just another example of group-think.  It's other members of the 1-in-100 community.  We help one another as no one else can, because we understand things from the inside.  We don't even have to say some stuff because we know it's understood.  It's our lifeline.

No, you can't fight ignorance.  Somehow, though, I have to go in to a meeting today (I took the day off because I'm still shaking now - it's really brought me down) where it's all going to be aired properly.  I'll get a chance to put my case.  My manager is being understanding.  There'll be a Positive Behaviour manager there, too, who is also understanding.  She recently ran a one-day workshop for the recently-diagnosed, and she has a family member with Asperger's.  She knows her stuff.  She's on my side.  I have to somehow try to convince these other members of staff (only two of them who seem to have taken against me over it) that although I look nothing like our service users, and don't have their learning disabilities and care needs, I have more in common with them than I have with the staff at the place.  I'll state things as clearly as I can.  Then... I just have to leave it to them.  If they don't accept it... then I'm probably sunk.  Because these are two people you really do not want to get on the wrong side of.  They'll make life difficult.  Of course, I have recourse to support.  And I'm in a union if I need it.

On my past experience, and that of the other fellow Aspies I'm in contact with, it probably won't go well.

But I have to try.

Submitted by Di_Hard on

If anything it should be the two who started it all who will get the flak - it would be ironic if an autistic person was badly treated in a place that looked after autistic people? But you might need to think if you could leave there and get another job, if their rancour is bubbling away in the background

 

Submitted by HarryC on

Well... apparently, they felt under stress, and both also apparently asked if I was okay afterwards.  I think, as I've said elsewhere, that people are more aware now of how my autism affects me.  And I've been told to ask for help as soon as I feel I need it, which is reassuring.

I'll see how it goes.  But if I pick up on anything negative, I'll simply walk.  My GP is very sympathetic, and will sign me of for any number of days I care to ask for.  I'll then use the time to look for something else.  Hopefully, it won't come to that.

Submitted by Ed Crane on

I understand how important it was for you to be diagnosed with Asperger in later life. I think I remember Chris Packham say something like  --- Oh great I'm not mad after all. Must have been an enormous relief for you.

Mark Haddon's book does a lot to help people understand aspergers, but he was dealing with family problems as much as the individual. I don't think it tells the whole story and of course Mr Haddon is not an expert, just a good writer and researcher, in fact looking back I think it is a bit misleading although he does explain the meltdown (or shut down and reboot as he describes it) in excellent and painful detail.

In fact the book was recommended to a Spanish friend as a good way to understand English phrases, which kind of shocked me when I read it. 

The English culture can be cruel to forigners, as my wife found out living for six years in the UK before we decided to bite the bullet and go to Antwerp after her near meltdown.

I really hope things turn out better than you are fearing.

 

 

 

 

Submitted by HarryC on

I think the English culture can be cruel to anything that doesn't fall within its limited purview.

I showed your earlier comment to an Aspie friend.  It made her cry.  She wants to know where you live now.  She reckons Sweden!

Submitted by Ed Crane on

I think the culture here that kind of says you are responsible for looking out for yourself. I thinks that's why my brother-in-law's son was allowed to get on with what he wanted to do.

There is a good social services system here, excellent in fact. They have several help and support organisations. The biggest is government sponsored called, OCMV.

However as I mentioned, I think the mindset of the Flemish people is looking out for themselves, maybe because Flanders has been invaded so many times by the Germans, Dutch, French and Spanish over the last five or six centuries.

Keep your head down and do your best to stay out of trouble and be a little crafty seems to be in their DNA.

 

Submitted by HarryC on

Haddon's book was interesting for me because it helped me to realise a few things.  I understood that he'd been a LD support worker and had based the book on his experiences with autistic individuals.

Family problems, of course, figure large in the lives of most autistic people.  All sorts of social relationships, in fact.  The worst are probably working relationships, because often we have little choice but to work around certain people all day - people we'd run a mile from in normal life.  I've effectively lost my brother to his wife, who is a narcissist.  She's done a lot of damage.  But I can walk away from her.  I can't walk away from the narc at work.  And, of course, she has her confederates.  Very difficult and potentially damaging situation there.  I know, from a few incidents recently - and most notably the one alluded to in this piece, which I now believed was deliberately stage-managed - that she has the knives out for me, and is picking her opportunities.  I really don't know what it's all about.  But she gets very jealous of people, and she knows I'm popular with other staff and the service users.  She hates not being top dog - not that I'd ever have such an aspiration in view myself (I just try to get along with people for the sake of it rather than for any ego-gain). She's already done for one chap, fabricating stuff against him and bullying other staff members into supporting her so that he was eventually sacked.  She knows I'm autistic, so probably realises I'm easy meat.  One of the problems people with this condition have is that we don't 'read' others very well and tend to accept them at face value.  I've been taken in so, so many times and ended up in difficulties with someone who seemed, on the surface, to be friendly and trustworthy.  In others, it would be seen as naivety or gullibility - and that's what it must come across as.  Once again, it's let me down.

Submitted by HarryC on

Think I may be heading for burn-out.  All the symptoms are coming on.  Just beyond peak age, too.

 

Submitted by Ed Crane on

You're better than them!

 

Submitted by HarryC on

Thanks, Ed.  We'll see how it goes.  I had a bit of a reprimand - but at the same time, I got to put my case.  And I think they're much more aware now of the way things can work in my head if I get the wrong signals.  They seem to be prepared to bend to my needs, anyway.

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

I think this says more about the people around you than you.  

Tomorrow is another day...

Submitted by HarryC on

Thanks, Philip.  Maybe you're right.  I'll see how it runs tomorrow.

Submitted by celticman on

From a writer's perspective and putting the cats among the dogs I seem to be in a minority of one in thinking Haldon's book was contrived shite. I'd much rather read anything you have written. Not from an Aspie perspective, but from a reading perspective. 

 

Submitted by HarryC on

Thanks, Jack.  Unfortunately, people only seem to have stereotypes to go on.  Sheldon from BBT.  Mr Spock from Star Trek.  That book.  My own book that you've already read gives more insight.  Except I didn't know it at the time.  Seems weird to have been writing about something I didn't even know about at the time.

Even Chris Packham and Gary Numan have become stereotypes.  The number of times I get asked 'What's your special talent, then?'  I'm too modest to say anything other than 'Being autistic, and surviving in a non-autistic world.'

Submitted by Di_Hard on

your special talent is writing!!!

and your speciality is communicating how it feels for the 1 in a hundred people who are not so good at communicating as you

 

Submitted by HarryC on

Like I said, Di... I try to be modest.  I don't see writing as my special talent.  I see it as my reason for being... whatever becomes of it or me.

Been doing it since I was a 10-year-old - on and off.  Got my first Petite typewriter in 1970, aged 11, when other boys were getting footballs and Action Man dolls.

Submitted by celticman on

yeh, you got the same stereotypical labelling after Dustin Hoffman's The Rainman, who was, of course, an autistic savant. Thereafter all autistic people were considered savants. People were flinging toopicks up in the air and asking them 'how many is on the ground?'   

 

Submitted by HarryC on

Deleted.

Submitted by celticman on

we are incredible beings. Guy called Peter Bell, used to stay next door to me. He had Down's syndrome, but an incredible memory for brithdays and what age you would be. I don't think he could count. Ironically, all that memory stuff is simple for the most basic algorthim and since we live in the age of the algorthim, memory work, or even intuition, is outdated as a top hat and tails.