Missed by a Mile

Jack called me at work this morning.

‘Hey, Cariño.’

He always calls me, Cariño since I told him it meant darling in Spanish after the waiter at Juan’s Tapas Bar called me that when I complained my coffee was cold.

‘What?’

‘Got this joke, really funny. You’ll love it.’

Dim bastard said nothing. I didn’t expect him to “nut-the-dago,” but he could at least have told him not to be bloody cheeky. Even a dirty look would’ve been nice.

‘Is it going to take long? I’m in the middle of something.’

I wasn’t, but I thought it might put him off. . . . Fat chance.

‘No it’s not too long. There was this bloke—‘

‘Wait, let me switch the phone to my other ear.’

He just smiled at little rat when he plonked a fresh cup in front of me. Made me feel a right idiot.

‘. . . . Ok. This bloke using a metal detector dug up an old lamp. It looked like silver so he rubbed it to clean it—‘

‘What a man cleaning something? That is a joke. I suppose a fucking Genie come out.’

‘Stop it Sandra, you’ll spoil it. Yes a Genie came out:

“Thank you for releasing me,” he says, “I can grant you one wish, anything you desire.”

The bloke says. ”What? Only one wish. I thought I got three.”

The Genie shakes his head, “I was an apprentice I didn’t complete the course—“’

When we left the tapas bar I asked him why he said nothing to the waiter. ‘I didn’t know what it meant,’ he said – bloody idiot can’t even read body language. He just laughed when I told him. I got emotional, silly I know, but I started to weep. Then came the oh-shit look. He put his arm round my shoulder; squeezed my tit and kissed my cheek. ‘Well, you’re my Cariño,’ He said. . . Why the fuck do I fall for this BS?

'That's not very funny.'

‘I haven’t finished yet.’

‘Hurry up I need to pee.’

It didn’t work, he carried on.

‘”I can only grant you one wish, but it’s a good one.” The Genie said.

“Ok” the bloke said. “Build me my own personal motorway bridge across the channel so I can go to the continent in my car. I’m terrified of water and flying and tunnels so I can’t go. I’ve never been out the country.”

The Genie looks at the bloke. “Is that all? I can give you unlimited power, unlimited wealth, anything you can think of . . . and you ask that. Can’t you think of something more difficult? It’s almost an insult.”

“Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.” The bloke says. “I’ll have another think. Oh yes, here’s a good one. I’ve never been married, I’ve never had a steady girlfriend. I don’t get on with women, I can’t understand them. Cast a spell that gives me an insight into womens’ minds.”

“How many bridges did you say you wanted?” the Genie replied.”’

He starts laughing uncontrollably at his own joke.

‘Yeah that’s a good one, Jack. Listen, I have to go hon. the boss is looking. See you tonight, mewaah-a-ha.’

Arsehole. . . .