The Ballad of Liz and James - 4

OK, I’m just gonna say it. I wear dentures. I’m completely aware
of the American obsession with pearly whites and I’m sorry if you
found that confession traumatic, but it’s just the way it is. By
way of explanation, I used to play a lot of soccer in my younger
days. Actually I used to play a lot of reckless soccer in my younger
days. I used to put my head in places where only flying boots are
supposed to go, and consequently, and probably deservedly, had
several teeth kicked out. But you can’t fix stupid. Or at least
that’s what The Girlfriend says.

So where am I going with this? Well there I was, lying on my bed in
an airb’n’b in the hip Mueller district of East Austin when I chomped on a particularly
recalcitrant Lay's potato chip. You could hear the crack of my denture snapping
over several zip codes, followed quickly by initial panic but then
calm. No problem, I’ll just do what I do in Oxford, find a denture
technician online, pop round to the lab, hand over $50 with the
broken denture and an hour later all will be well. Yes it’s true
that we smug Brits with our NHS are brought up with horror stories of
the expense of the US healthcare system, but what the hell? It’s
two pieces of acrylic resin that you stick together with 5c worth of
glue. Five minutes at most? What could possibly go wrong?

Rosie the receptionist was nice. The waiting room was nice. The
surgery was nice. But nothing was great, except the Man. After I’d
been sat in the chair for five minutes the Great Man walked in. The
Great Man was also nice, but after a cursory glance in my mouth I was
dismissed with an instruction to come back tomorrow. No costs were
discussed.

Three soup meals later and I’m back at the surgery where I’m
summoned into a back room. I’m ready. I know it costs $50 in Oxford
but I realise I have to make allowances. It’s a different country,
a private healthcare system. It might be $150, even $250. That’s
OK.

She handed me a bill. It just said “Denture Repair - $754.23”.
$754.23! I can show you the effing receipt. What had they used for
glue? Unicorn tears?

Back in Oxford three weeks later and it broke again. $50. God Bless
America.

James