From a distance...

Josiah Oakshott sat at his desk and tried to make some headway with the piles of paperwork that littered it.  Oakshott and Underwood, his firm of Funeral Directors, were just so busy at the moment that there was rarely time to catch up.  Everything just seemed so immensely difficult.

As his tired eyes read the same paragraph for the fifth time, the door to his office burst open and Archibald Thurble flung himself in.  He slammed the door behind him and stood, with his back pressed against it, breathing heavily, his eyes darting this way and that.

“Archibald!  Whatever is the matter?” Josiah asked, with some alarm and concern.

“He erm…” Archibald swallowed hard and took a deep breath, “he threatened to punch my lights out!”

“What?  Who did?”

“That Mr. Blunt.  He just came in the office to drop an envelope off for you and I thought I ought to try and be civil…”

“Oh dear!” Josiah covered his eyes with his hands.  Bitter experience had taught him that Archibald’s interactions with the public were almost certain to end in tears, usually Josiah’s.

“…so, any road, I asked him how many were coming to the burial and he just went mental!”

Josiah peered over his fingertips at his panting associate.  This was clearly going to be difficult.

“I will come to speak to Mr. Blunt at once, Archibald.”

“Well, I think he’s probably best left for a minute, Mr. O.  He’s sat down on one of the sofas, just breathing heavily and staring into space”

“Ah, I see.”  Josiah thought for a moment, “On reflection then, I will speak to him in a few minutes, once he has had time to calm himself.  You must not reproach yourself, Archibald.  The Blunts’ are a large and close-knit family and they had every reason to expect that they would be able to have a suitably large family gathering when old Mrs. Blunt passed away.  That they cannot, under the current restrictions, is, inevitably a source of immense sadness and regret”

“Did she die of this virus thingy?”

“No, no Archibald.  She had been ill for some considerable time and her passing was by no means unexpected.  It is just very unfortunate that it should happen in the current circumstances.  Sadly, the distancing requirements will mean no more than a handful of the family will be able to be at the graveside.”

“Ah yes, this is that sexual distancing innit” Archibald nodded, thoughtfully.

“The what?” 

“The sexual distancing.  That’s what it’s called, right?”

“I think the term for which you are grasping, Archibald, is ‘social distancing’”

“Are you sure, Mr. O.?”

“I have it on good authority, Archibald, yes”

“Oh!  Only my girlfriend…”

“Your girlfriend?  Really, Archibald?”  Josiah couldn’t quite hide the note of surprise in his voice, “Would this be the young lady in the employ of the fish and chip shop, of whom you told me before?”

“Yeah, that’s her” Archibald nodded and a broad grin suffused his previously troubled features.

“From our previous conversation, I gathered that you believed you had an ‘understanding’ with the young lady in question?”

“Yeah, well, it’s gone a bit further than that now” Archibald’s grin widened.

“You can spare me the details, Archibald.  I assure you I have no wish to pry”

“Or fish to fry!”  Archibald chuckled.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Just a chip shop joke, Mr. O.” Archibald explained, “We did have an ‘understanding’ but, just lately, well until all this lark cracked off, she was letting me walk her home of an evening”

“I’m delighted that your relationship is burgeoning, Archibald”

“That’s when she told me about this sexual distancing.  She won’t let me get no closer than six feet to her”

“Now I begin to understand” Josiah nodded.

“Mind you, I reckon she must have them permutations”

“Do you mean that she does the football pools?” Josiah was baffled.

“Football Pools?  No, I mean like she can tell what is gonna happen”

“Ah, you mean ‘premonitions’”

“Do I?  Well, alright, them then.  She’s Clare something”

“That’s a nice name” Josiah responded, approvingly.

“What is?”

“Clare, from the medieval ‘Clara’ I believe’”

“No, that’s not her name!  Her name’s Noreen”

“You have me at a loss, Archibald.  Your girlfriend’s name is Noreen but she’s Clare something?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”  Archibald thought furiously for a moment, “Buoyant!” He announced, triumphantly.

“Really?  A keen swimmer then?”

“Not that I know of.  She reckons she sinks like a stone in the Baths”

“You said she was buoyant” Josiah pointed out.

“Yeah, she’s Clare Buoyant”

“Clare Buoyant? Oh, clairvoyant!  You mean that she can foresee the future?”  Josiah translated with some relief.

“Yeah, that’s it.  ‘Cause I started seeing her home last autumn and that’s when she told me about this ‘sexual distancing’ business, and we didn’t even have the virus thingy then, did we?”

“Indeed not, Archibald.  They were happier and more innocent days.  Your girlfriend was certainly ahead of her time” Josiah suggested, diplomatically.

“Unless she just didn’t want me getting me hands on her batter bits” Archibald mused.

“I hope and trust that is not some form of dubious rhyming slang, Archibald?”

“No.” Archibald looked puzzled, “she always brings a big bag of batter bits home with her, which I reckon’s not fair ‘cause she knows how much I like them, but she won’t let me anywhere near them.  Mind you, if I could get closer, I could get me hand on her ar…”

“Archibald!”

“…my greatcoat.  It looks nice and warm that does and I reckon it’s big enough for two”

“Ahem, yes, I see.” Josiah blushed a little, “I fear, Archibald, that it may be some considerable time before you and your young lady are able to share batter bits…or anything else for that matter.  Now, I must attend to Mr. Blunt.”

“What are you going to say to him?”

“There’s little of any consequence that I can say, in all honesty, Archibald.  However, I have, over the past few weeks, developed a form of words that seem to bring a modicum of comfort.”  Josiah headed toward the door, deep in thought.  He stopped and turned to Archibald.  “It is particularly galling, Archibald that, at a time when mourning has never been more important, families are unable to share their communal grief.”  Josiah sighed, deeply, “But, we are where we are and must rub along with it as best we can.  I would imagine that there will be a considerable demand for memorial services when this is all over”

“You’ll say the right things, Mr. O.  You always do” Archibald reassured.

“Good of you to say so, Archibald.” Josiah smiled at his employee, who was looking anxious and concerned, “You’re a kind person, Archibald, I hope you and your young lady have a happy future together”

“From a distance, eh Mr. O.?” Archibald grinned.

“Indeed, from a distance, Archibald.”  Josiah took a deep breath and headed out of the door.

You can find a lot more tales from Josiah and Archibald in the new collection  -

'A Dubious Undertaking and other stories'