hello goodbye

By Coolhermit

Wed, 15 Jul 2020
  • 507 reads
3 comments
 
hello goodbye
 
I saw her from the window
of my signal-stalled train
stranded beside the bay
 
she wore
a soft green hat
a bright red scarf
dungarees
 
she threw a stick
for a dog to fetch
from the waves
 
again and again
 
and in between
 
a bobbing half-dance
picking up pebbles
she put in a satchel
hung round her neck
 
I opened the window
 
I waved
I shouted hello
 
she waved
she helloed
 
the carriage jolted
the train moved on
 
I waved goodbye
she waved goodbye
we waved goodbye
 
seconds later
I pulled the cord
jumped onto the track
 
clambering seaweed groynes
my sandals snapped
 
razor sea-shells
jagged stones
tore my feet
 
icy crab-pools
clouded blood-red red
 
an empty beach
but for the dog
black-headed gulls
and a sandy stick
 
the dog
pawed the stick
 
stepped away
stepped back
 
pawed the stick
looked quizzically
at me - at the stick - at me
 
‘get my drift’
 
I got his drift
 
I over-armed the stick
far into the swell
 
‘go fetch boy fetch’
 
the dog
plunged in
swam out
 
fetched
 
swam back
mouthing home
a bright red scarf
Certificate U
Poem
Romance

Comments

Submitted by drew_gummerson on

I liked this one too but I would make it tighter, lose some waving and dog steps. But good! 

 

Submitted by Coolhermit on

Drew - it'll stay as I wrote it and perform it though ha ha - the repetitions are intentionally overdone - the idea is to hold the reader in momentary suspense (didn't work for you though) and  funnily enough have been reduced somewhat  :)

By the time it goes into my next book it may well be substantially altered  smiley

Rick.

 

Submitted by Coolhermit on

I was interrupted by a video phone call - nightmare - I declined the call as I'm pretty phobic of all that kinda thing anyhow - this is what I meant to write before I was rudely disturbed  smiley

I wrote it with waves in mind - the train is moving, stops and starts and stops - waves.  The pair waving is waves - I, she, we.wave. The dog goes forward then retreats - like waves in the sea.  He swims out and the final big wave is the dog coming back..boom!

Virginia Woolf's The Waves writes similarly but of course more fully as it's prose fiction. 

Thanks for your comment - it caused me to gather my random  thoughts into coherence  :)

Rick

 

pps and, as you know, Virginia Woolf the writer of The Waves drowned herself with the aid of stones for extra weight.