sinead

‘Hello!’ Nel bellowed as she went through the front door slamming it behind her.   

‘Hello?’ She got no response. She knew someone was in the house because she could hear the water running in the bathroom. She threw her bag under the telephone table and she went upstairs.

‘Hello’ she shouted into the bathroom. She heard the bath overflowing.

‘Hello?’ She repeated

‘Sinead?’ She asked

‘Sinead are you ok?’ She repeated.

She tried the door and was able to open it a crack. She peeped in.

‘Hello…..Sinead?  Sinead!’ She screamed and almost broke the door down trying to get into the bathroom after she found her in the bath covered in blood. She ran over and turned off the taps before lifting her twenty stone bleeding sister onto the wet bathroom floor. When Nel was twelve and was starting secondary school they all had to do a mandatory first aid course. Nel never imagined she would have needed to use it.

‘What did you do? What did you do?’ she repeated over and over to herself. Sinead was unconscious. She had slashed her wrists with an orange box cutter and there were about twelve empty bottles of several different types of medications on the tiles. In the first aid course she was taught to apply pressure to stop bleeding so she wrapped her wrists tightly in towels and rang 999 for an ambulance. When she got through they first asked ‘Is she breathing?’

‘What do you mean is she breathing?’ she panicked.

‘Put your hand on her chest’

‘Hang on, ill check!’ she put her hand on Sinead’s chest and felt it rise and fall which established she was still breathing

‘Ok, great.’ They lady on the phone said.

‘What is your name love?’ they asked

‘Nel’ she replied

‘Ok Nel, you’re doing great! My name is Carmel, now can you tell me your sister’s name please?’

‘Sinead’

‘Ok love. Sinead what?’

‘Sinead Carter.’

‘Right. How long have the drugs been in your sisters system and how much blood has she lost?’

‘There’s blood everywhere and I don’t know about the tablets’ nel said putting fresh towels onto the cuts on Sinead’s wrists

‘Ok Nel what I’m going to ask you to do now may sound a little unorthodox but you’re going to have to make Sinead vomit up some of the tablets if possible.’ Nel didn’t do vomit

‘How?’ she asked

‘You’re going to have to put your fingers down her throat.’

‘Is there any other way?’ Nel pleaded

‘I’m sorry but it’s your sisters best bet.’

‘Ok’ Nel wanted to save her sisters life so she shoved her fingers down Sinead’s throat as far as they would go. True enough she got a good few tablets out even though there was sympathetic vomiting coming from Nel

‘Ok Nel, you’re doing great… Nel? Nel are you there?’

‘Sorry, I vomited’

‘Ok, that’s completely ok but more importantly did Sinead?’

‘Yeah, a lot of pills came up’ Nel said with disgust wiping the excess vomit off her face with her shoulder

‘Now check if she’s still breathing!’

Nel once again put her hand on her sister’s chest and once again she felt it rise and fall. The doorbell rang.

‘I think the paramedics are here!’ Nel said to the operator

‘Ok. Put Sinead on her side and answer the door!’

‘What?’ Nel was confused

‘Put your sister on her side and put a rolled up towel behind her to make sure she doesn’t go onto her back in case she vomits

‘Ok I’ve done that, what now?’

‘Now just answer the door’

‘Did someone call for an ambulance?’ a paramedic said through the letterbox

‘Coming!’ Nel shouted as she ran down the stairs

When she opened the door two burly men in white shirts and green trousers introducing themselves as paramedics came in the door.

‘My sister’ Nel said petrified

‘Where is she?’ they asked

‘Bathroom’ Nel said pointing up the stairs

The paramedics pushed by her and made their way to the to the bathroom. Nel was at the bottom of the stairs in the hall covered in blood and vomit. She heard them do their thing.

‘Hello, Hello, hello’ she heard coming from her hand. She forgot that she was still holding the phone

‘Yes’ she answered in shock

‘Is the ambulance crew there?’ asked the operator

‘Yes’ Nel said in disbelief

‘You are in good hands now. Ok?’

‘Ok. Thanks!’ Nel said numbly and hung up. She put her back to the wall and her body slowly dropped until she was on her honkers. The front door was opened and the fire brigade showed up.

‘There’s no fire here’ Nel tried to explain.

‘Were here love to help the paramedics’

‘Oh ok. She’s upstairs to the right.’ Nel was in disbelief

Sinead was a big girl and the paramedics asked for the fire brigade to help them bring her down the stairs.

‘Is she going to be ok?’ Nel asked sheepishly as they were bringing her out to the ambulance.

‘You just may have saved her life! Do you know if she is on any medication?’

‘Hhmmm’ Nel pondered

‘It would help greatly if we knew what ones she was on!’

‘Hhmmm….ok’ Nel thinks hard and then remembers that there is always a list of Sinead’s meds in her hand bag.  She ran up the stairs, into Sinead’s room and she saw Sinead’s bag on her dressing table. Upon a search sure enough the list was there. ‘Oh thank god’ she muttered to herself. She was putting Sinead’s bag back onto the table when a yellow post it took her attention. She grabbed it and ran down the stairs. The paramedics and fire brigade had put Sinead into the back of the ambulance. Nel gave the piece of paper with the list of medications to the paramedic.

‘Thank you love!’ he accepted the list graciously.

‘Wow’ he whistled, ‘she is on a lot of medication!’

‘I know’ sighed Nel

‘There’s a list of next of kin is here’ he said looking at the piece of paper Nel gave him ‘will you ring them for me and tell them what is going on?’

‘Yeah’ came out with Nel’s breath. ‘Mom shit. Michael shit.’

Sharon and Jeffrey came running into the driveway. Sharon immediately went to the ambulance and Jeffrey to Nel.

‘You poor thing!’ Jeffrey exclaimed as he enveloped her in a hug.

‘Right so’ the paramedic patted her on the shoulder ‘we’ll do the best we can but your sister is in critical condition! Are you sure you can inform the next of kin?’ he repeated

‘Yeah’ Nel whispered in disbelief

He winked at her before he left

Sharon came running in as the ambulance departed lights and sirens flashing as they went. She wrapped her arms around both Nel and Jeffrey. ‘

‘I heard you did great!’ she said as they were all huddled together.

‘Good thinking on the towels to slow the bleeding!’ Sharon said suppressing her own tears.

‘I’ sob ‘don’t’ sob ‘want’ sob ‘her’ sob ‘to’ sob ‘die’ Nel sobbed.

‘Well you couldn’t have done anymore than you did love,’ Sharon said in a comforting tone and squeezed as she said it. They were huddled like penguins. When the sobbing ran its course Sharon was very aware that Kay didn’t know. She knew she worked until eight on a Wednesday and didn’t want her to come home to the ungodly mess that used to be her house. There was blood and vomit all over the bathroom.

‘Now love,’ she addressed Nel ‘do you want me to call your mom?’

‘Oh shit!’ Nel exclaimed ‘what time is it?’

‘It’s seven o’clock!’ Jeffrey answered

‘Shit!’ Nel screamed frightening the other two ‘shit! Shit! Shit!’

‘It’s ok Nelly! It’s ok!’ Sharon said softly as she took her hands away from Jeffrey and solely hugged Nel.

‘It’s not ok though’ Nel recoiled. ‘Stupid bitch is going to kill my mother’

‘I’ll ring Kay now!’

‘Will you?’ Nel said with great relief

‘Of course love! Jeffrey will you …..’ Sharon was nodding her head towards Nel

‘Come on Nelly,’ he picked up the signal. ‘We’ll go into the kitchen’

Sharon mouthed the words ‘Thank you!’

Jeffrey winked

 

Nel and Jeffrey sat on the cold grey tiles in the kitchen with her fist tightly clenched to Jeffrey’s navy school coat and her head was glued to his shoulder for hours. Jeffrey stroked her hair until she cried herself to sleep. They stayed like that until dawn, neither were comfortable but as long as Nel was asleep Jeffrey, ever the gentleman, didn’t once complain.

 

When the fresh sun of dawn hit the southern facing house it shun directly onto Nel’s sleeping face. She awoke with a smile not remembering the events that had transpired the night before straight away. She felt pressure on the top of her head. Her eyes drifted to her hand which was still tightly clamped to Jeffrey’s jacket. She got a fright when she saw the blood on it and screamed making Jeffrey jump. She unclenched the hand that was prised onto jeffreys jacket. The yellow post it fell out of it.

‘im so sorry’ is what it said

‘It’s ok Nelly!’ Jeffrey said yawning in a soft yet firm voice

‘It just….she……where…….mom!’ She screamed scrunching up the yellow piece of paper once more

‘It’s all going to be ok!’ He grabbed her and pulled her in close as he stroked her hair again, it worked last night he thought to himself. She sobbed uncontrollably.

‘Is she dead?’ She sobbed

‘No Nelly! Last report back was that she got her stomach pumped and was in a coma ‘

‘A coma?’ Nel rose with a start

‘Yeah’

‘But all the blood!’

‘Don’t worry about that! My mom cleaned the bathroom’

‘But I meant…….’ She started crying again and pointed to her wrists.

‘Oh yea, right. Last I heard she was getting stitches to fix them’

‘She’s not doing too well then is she?’ Nel was getting frustrated

‘You saved her life Nelly!’

‘Did I save her life or prolong her suffering?’ Nel wondered aloud knowing how long Sinead has been dealing with her BPD.

‘Do you really think you prolonged her suffering?’ Jeffrey said calmly

‘Well…..’

‘How do you think you’d feel if she had died and you did nothing?’

‘Awful!’

‘Exactly! You did good!’

‘If only I got home sooner……’

‘It would have happened regardless!’

‘I know’ Nel sighed, ‘I know’ she put her head back on his shoulder ‘thank you for staying!’

‘Where else would I be?’ He asked kissing the top of her head

 

Nel’s phone rang. It was Kay

‘Hiya honey,’

‘Hi mom’

‘I haven’t been by the house yet. Are you ok?’

‘Well…’

‘You are so brave!’ Kay said to her ‘I’m sorry I’m not at home!’

‘That’s ok!’ Said Nel. ‘How’s Sinead?’

‘No news yet. There were a lot of pills in her system and she’s in a coma I’m afraid’

‘I shouldn’t have gone to the tree house. I should have come straight home!’

‘Now now! Stop that!’ She ordered ‘you did amazingly! Without you she would have died!’

‘I know but…’

‘Now now!  We’ll have no more of that! The main thing is she’s alive! And that’s all down to you!’

‘Can I do anything mom?’

‘No honey. I want you to go to school. If you feel up to it that is! Just to try and distract yourself.’

‘I’d rather come to the hospital’

‘Ok but there’s going to be a lot of hanging around so bring your Ipad ok’

‘I’ll get Sharon to bring me’

‘Well if she can’t you know where my rainy day fund is for a taxi, ok.’

‘Thanks mom’

‘Love you Nelly!’

‘Love you too mom!’

 

‘How is she’ Sharon asked knowing Nel had just spoken to Kay

‘She’s alive but in a coma.’

‘Do you want me to bring you to the hospital?’

‘Yes please’

‘Maybe you’d want to shower first Nelly’ Jeffrey suggested ‘you have blood and vomit all over you!’

‘Oh shit’ she replied ‘I got it all over you too’

‘Don’t worry about me’ winked Jeffrey ‘I’ve smelled worse’ he laughed

‘You cheeky brat’ Sharon joked

‘Right both of you need a shower’ they looked at each other

‘Separately!’ Sharon shouted playfully as she saw their look

‘You’ she pointed at Nel ‘shower’

‘And you’ she pointed at Jeffrey ‘home and shower’ they laughed.

 

The school was well aware of Nel’s situation before she started first year. It turned out that a lot of the students who started that year had a traumatic situation happen in their short lives. There was a lot who had lost parents through both death and divorce. They went and decided to pilot a living through distress class. It was Nel’s mother who suggested it. Sinead had done it a couple of times when she was an inpatient over the years. It involved teaching the kids how to self soothe and gave them ways to cope in the bad times. They also learned how to communicate in a respectful yet assertive way. It was facilitated by the school councilor. It was one class a week for the year. It was mandatory so the kids who were troubled weren’t singled out. It was those kids who got the most out of it.

 

Nel sheepishly made her way to the bathroom. She didn’t know what to expect. She slowly walked in and gradually opened her eyes. Where she last saw a sea of blood and vomit she now saw a normal bathroom. The white and black checkered tiles gleamed. She was amazed at how clean it was. She did notice though that the grout was a bit discolored beside the bath. She sighed and got a flashback from the night before.

 

She knew that she was having symptoms of a panic attack so she used some of the skills she learned on the living through distress course from the previous year. The first skill she had learnt was self sooth so she ran into her bedroom and grabbed her phone. She gave music a go. She had a special playlist she used when she was getting worked up to calm her down so she turned it on and lay it down on the white vanity unit. She felt her heart mirror the beat of the music, loud and fast.

 

As she got into the bath and turned on the shower she felt the water trickled down her body. She looked at her feet trying not to make the panic escalate. There was blood in the water. Nel washed herself over and over trying to wash the image away.

 

She heard a wrap on the door. It was Sharon.

‘Nelly’ she shouted ‘Nelly are you ok?’

‘Nelly can I come in?’’ Sharon was getting concerned.

‘Ok, I’m coming in!’ she said sheepishly as she turned the door knob.

‘Nelly!’ she said as she peeked her head in

Sharon saw that Nel was in the shower in her own little world. She hoped Nel just didn’t hear her from the combination of the shower and music. She turned off the music. Nel suddenly snapped out of it. And screamed with surprise

‘Get out!’ she screamed

‘Nelly sweetie’

‘What!’

‘I think you’re clean now sweetie!’

‘What?’

‘You’ve been in here for over an hour!’ Sharon expressed her concern

‘The blood!’ Nell started to cry. ‘It’s everywhere!’

‘Nelly its ok’ Sharon spoke softly. She went over to her and turned off the shower

‘What are you doing?’ Nel screamed ‘I have to get rid of all the blood!’

‘It’s ok Nelly! The blood is all gone now!’ Sharon said putting a towel around her

 

Sharon knew Nel was in distress. She felt that it was her responsibility to make sure she was ok. She got her dressed and brought her to the hospital. Nel was greeted with open arms and red eyes

 

‘Come here Nelly’ her mother called her over with wide arms. She held her with as tightly as she could. After what seemed an eternity Nel pulled away from her mother’s embrace. There was snot flying everywhere so she blew her nose as she looked around the room. All the machines were silent. She looked at her sister and brushed her cheek with her hand. She was cold. Nel turned around in disbelief her mouth open wide.

‘About an hour ago sweetheart’ Kay started ‘there were just too many toxins’

‘Noooo’ she cried hysterically dropping to her knees. This set Kay off again. she ended up in a heap on the end of Sinead’s bed. Poor Michael who had been trying to keep strong joined them.  He landed on the end of the bed with Kay to begin with but Nel was now on the floor in the foetal position. The three of them were bereft with grief.

 

 

The funeral was held on the Saturday. Nel was devastated. She really blamed herself for it all.

 

When the situation was brought to Mrs. Davis’s attention by Kay in school, she knew to take it easy with Nel. She knew she was probably going to act out. How could she not. She wanted to try not to make things worse for her.