Grave Expectations - Part 1

Josiah Oakshott, proprietor of Oakshott and Underwood, Funeral Directors of distinction, sat at his antique desk, papers sprawled before him and with his head in his hands.  He knew that he would shortly be meeting with Archibald Thurble and, whilst all meetings with Archibald could be trying, he knew that this one would be particularly so.

There was a knock at the door and an innocent face sporting a permanent half-grin peered into the room.

“Come” Josiah intoned in his best ‘executive’ voice.

“You wanted to see me, Mr. O.?”

“Yes, indeed Archibald.  Please come in and shut the door behind you.”

Archibald made great play of ensuring the door was properly shut behind him.

“Must be important if I’ve got to shut the door!  Is it promotion?  Only I texted me Mam when I heard you wanted to see me and…”

“No, Archibald, you did not!”  Josiah snapped.

“Eh?  I did, Mr. O., honest!”

“You did not ‘text’ your mother, Archibald, because ‘text’ is not a verb.  It is not possible for you to have ‘texted’ as you put it.  The verb for which you are groping is ‘to send’, therefore you SENT your mother a text message, you did not ‘text’ it”

“Oh, right, well, any road, I SENT her a text to say you wanted to see me as soon as I arrived and she said that it’s bound to be a promotion” Archibald beamed at his employer, who groaned inwardly.

“I fear I must disappoint both you and your mother, Archibald.  This meeting is not connected with a promotion, far from it.”  Josiah shook his head, dismally, “in fact quite the opposite, in a way” he mused.

“What, demotion?”  Archibald looked bemused.

“Well, no Archibald, I have inadvertently misled you there.  As you currently occupy the lowest grade in out little enterprise, it would be impossible to demote you” Had it been possible, Josiah thought, it would have happened years ago.

“Oh, right, what’s it all about then?”

“Please take a seat, Archibald” Josiah motioned to the chair in front of him.  Archibald collapsed heavily onto it and then spent ages trying to adjust his jacket which had become twisted in the manoeuvre.  Josiah picked up a paper from his desk and studied it carefully, “Archibald, I have to inform you that this meeting constitutes an investigatory hearing into the events of yesterday evening and this morning, do you understand?”

“Er, not to be honest, Mr. O., no” Archibald admitted, whilst still tugging at his recalcitrant jacket.

“I see.  Let me try to put it another way then.  This meeting is about trying to find out what happened,  yesterday and today. To wit…”

“You sound like an owl, Mr. O.!” Archibald giggled.

“To put it another way” Josiah’s patience was approaching breaking point, “I need to know what happened with the limousine you were driving, now do you understand?”

“Oh, right, yes Mr. O.  Got it!”  Archibald nodded, enthusiastically.

“Now, as I recall, at the close of the Wilson funeral yesterday, you were charged with driving the family home and then returning the vehicle here.  Is that correct?”

“Yes, that’s it Mr. O. Got it in one!”  Archibald beamed at getting this bit right.

“And did you return the limousine yesterday evening?”

“Ah, no, not actually” Archibald stared hard at the floor and there was the faint sound of shoes being scuffed.

“When did you return the limousine, Archibald?”

“Well, erm…” Archibald swallowed hard and thought furiously, “I guess that would be this morning” he admitted, finally.

“I see.  And where had the limousine been in the meantime?”

“Well, back at my house…mostly” Archibald admitted, miserably.

“Archibald, I am handing to you a copy of the Company Rules and Procedures, have you seen this before?”

“Yes, Mr. O.  You gave me a copy when I first started.  I’ve got it with all my bits and pieces in me locker”

“Then you will have read the section relating to the personal use of Company vehicles, won’t you?  Would you like to read aloud the section I have highlighted?”

Archibald took the paper and peered myopically at it.  Eventually, he read out in a monotone,

“The use of Company vehicles for anything other than authorised Company business is strictly prohibited.  Any unauthorised use will constitute Gross Misconduct” He pronounced the word ‘gross’ to rhyme with ‘moss’.

“The term, Archibald, is ‘gross misconduct’.  Do you understand what that means?”

“Is it like, really nasty?  Only my girlfriend reckons things are gross now and again and she usually means summat really, well…gross!”

“In this context, Archibald, the term accords, to a certain extent, with the meaning implied by your girlfriend, in that it is ‘as bad as you can get’.  It is the equivalent of other really serious offences like fighting, arson, theft and insubordination.  Now do you understand?”

“Oh!”  Archibald swallowed hard, again.

“Oh, Archibald!”  Josiah sighed, despairingly, “if I might speak ‘off the record’ for a moment…”

“Are we on a record?” Archibald asked, incredulously, looking around for the recording equipment.

“No, Archibald, the phrase means that what I’ve got to say now won’t be minuted anywhere and nether you nor I should refer to it outside of this room, is that understood?”  Archibald nodded, “what I was going to say is that Gross Misconduct can lead, in the absence of any mitigating circumstances to Summary Dismissal”

“Is that ‘cause we’re in July?”

“No, not ‘summery’ as in the summer months!  Summary means, in this instance, without notice.”  Josiah put his head in his hands, delivering the rest of his message through his fingers.  “To put it another way, Archibald, if you are found to have done this, and there’s no good reason for your having done it, then I would have no choice but to sack you on the spot”

“Oh, crumbs!”  Archibald looked utterly shocked.

Find out what happens to Archibald in Part 2