Craven Gets Flashed XII

It started with the Pizza. It ended with a bloody martini.

That’s what the papers said. And that photo. Hoo boy! Talk about a tabloid blood and guts frenzy! Ramone Vasquez laid out flatter than one of his pizzas. Soaked in blood, with a lump on his head the size of a giant meatball.

Too bad that meatball wasn’t the thing that floored him. It would have been a funny tale to tell the grandkids. As it is, the only stories he’ll be telling are the ones from his own grave!

***

“Hello, ladies,” said Madam Roza. “Please to have a seat and allow me to delight you with my many powers.”

“Is there any way we can get a couple of martinis first?” said Mildred.

“No martinis I’m afraid. Cans of beer is best offer.”

“We’re in,” said Mildred.

“Anika! Please to bring the cans of beer for the lovely ladies who fill the air with much laughter. It will be pleasure to serve such delightful peoples. Quickly. As they seem much in need of the intoxicating beverage.”

“Keep ‘em cold and keep ‘em comin’,” said Betty. “If I’m gonna see the future I wanna be as blind as my taste in men.”

“Ha,” said Mildred. “Two blind souls takin’ a walk in the future. Let’s hope the men are as Simple Simony as ever. Thinking men don’t get the job done right. I need ‘em dumb as a doormat and just as flat.”

“But sexy as a satin robe,” said Betty, “with nothin’ on underneath but a huge helpin’ of sweet, hot desire.”

“Oh, my gosh, Betty! You’re gettin’ me all steamed up here. Someone get me a beefcake fireman with a hose.  And hurry!”

Howls of laughter from the front room made Anika wince as she cracked open the beers.

Boris the cat purred and made a figure eight around Anika’s bare legs.

The sooner we get back to being just plain Rose and Annie the happier I’ll be, Boris. We’ve stayed too long at the fair and I’m starting to get hives from all this play acting. But like Ramone says, ‘What is life if not play acting?’

All Momma wants is to keep women away from her Ramone. Me? I only want to sit poolside and drink champagne. Maybe romance a cabana boy or two. You know what I mean, Boris? Ah, what do you know, you’re a cat.

“Anika! Please to hurry with cans of beer!” said Madam Roza. “The ladies are getting restless with anticipation.”

“Yeah,” said Mildred. “We got drool coming out of our ears! Hurry!”

“Ha,” said Betty. “You just made me swallow my gum.”

***

“Dwayne,” said Sergeant Dowd. “If I’m not mistaken, that’s an 1830 Sunderland chamber pot sitting on top of that trash can across the street. Go check. If it’s got a climbing frog inside, and a quote that says, Keep me clean and use me well. And what I see I will not tell, we can call it a night.”

“Chamber pot?” said Dwayne. “Do you realize how many ‘gotta go’s’ have been inside that thing since 1830? I may scrub the toilet at home, Sarge, but at least I know what’s gone into it. I have no idea what kind of neighborhood this thing belonged to. Could’ve come from some Fagin like den of thieves. All that sausage and kidney’s and no fruits and vegetables for roughage. My Ma always tells me, If you gotta go, make sure you eat your roughage, or the goin’ ain’t gonna be good.”

“Ah, for corn sakes, Dwayne. The pots empty and it’s been a good many years since it’s seen anyone drop their trousers.”

“But the memory lingers on long after the event, Sarge. And all those ghostly gotta go’s without the roughage to help it along is just plain scary. I’m staying put.”

“Ah, geez. Fine! Forget the whole thing. We gotta high-tail it to Bleecker Street before Jenny and Craven get there. Hang on to your roughage, Dwayne. I gotta make haste.”

***

“Well, that was a waste of time, Betty. Where do you wanna go next? I’m getting peckish.”

“Me, too, Mildred. Some fortune teller. If Roza was the real-deal she would’ve known she’d get a phone call telling her Ramone was at the pizza parlor getting his mozzarella all over a tall brunette.”

“That sounds like lousy dialogue from a rotten B movie, Betty. And I love B movies.”

“Me, too. Grab those beers and let’s go get some pizza.”

***

“If you tell me one more time that you’re getting hungry, Craven. You’ll be eating flash bulbs. I’ll get you some pizza or something when we get there.”

I seem to remember Jenny liking me a lot more before she got to know me better. Did she just say pizza?