Token Covid Song

It was unlike their manager to call a meeting out of nowhere.

"It's Derek," said Jez, "He wants an urgent zoom call."

"Perhaps we've sold a record," said Andy. 

"Hello boys," said Derek. Jez and Andy we're nearly 30 but to Derek anyone under 50 was a boy, including the bassist, Sarah. "I've got some good news boys, you've been offered a support slot on the next Eric Clapton tour."

"No way, that's amazing," said Jez "He's a major league star."

"It's the whole UK tour, ten gigs altogether, all big stadium events,100,000 people per night. There's just one condition. You have to include a token covid song in your set."

"What," said Andy, "Something like 'We're staying home, we're staying home, it's lockdown so we're all staying home."

"No boys, I mean an anti-vaccine song. Eric's most insistent."

"But we're all vaccinated," said Jez.

"So's Eric, it doesn't stop him banging out this anti-vax crap. Do what you can boys, this could be the making of you."

Andy and Jez were the band's songwriters, so one the call was over they discussed the challenge.

"These anti-vaxxers are barmy," said Jez. "They believe that the vaccines magnetise you, that the vaccine gives you Covid, all sorts of shit."

"Let's look into it a bit more, we might get some inspiration."

The two 'boys' spent the evening reading anti-vax messages.

"This is too silly. There's Piers Corbyn here going on about 5G, mercury poisoning, how vaccines are really tracking devices inserted into people."

"Did you see that Robert Kennedy speech, he basically said that vaccines are worse than the holocaust."

"That's nothing. America is batshit crazy about the vaccine. Some of them think that JFK is still alive and will somehow come back save us from the vaccine.  There's people wearing tin foil shedding hats, to protect them from vaccinated people somehow 'shedding' the virus."

"Right, they won't wear masks to protect from an actual transmissible disease, but they will wear tin foil hats to protect from made up shit."

"It's just so ignorant. It's basic science. The idea that it changes your DNA, causes infertility, gives you the symptoms of an STD, that they're made from aborted foetuses."

"And turns you into Satan?"

"What?"

"One of the ingredients happens to be called Luciferase. The Trumpists are telling us that this means that Satan's genes are part of the vaccines."

"Right. Remind me, what's Clapton giving us for supporting this shit?"

"Look," said Jez, "We need these gigs. It'll be the making of us, we'll have an audience of  a million people altogether, thirty minutes per night, merchandise stands at every gigs. All we have to do is write some anti vax crap. Let's get pissed then sit up all night until we've written something. It doesn't have to be any good, it just has to be crazy enough for Eric Clapton."

The plan was a success. The song was written and approved of by Clapton, who they consequently joined on his UK tour.

Jez had never played to a crowd anything like the size. It was a complete adrenaline buzz to see so many people watching them.

"This is our new song," he said. It's called 'My girl took the vaccine and shed Satan's DNA all over me, now I'm stuck to the fridge-freezer and Bill Gates is tracking my every move and only JFK can save me'. Do sing along to the chorus."