Into the Woods (Hansel and Gretel)

Cherry

By marandina

Thu, 31 Mar 2022
  • 1771 reads
12 comments
 

Into the Woods (Hansel and Gretel)

Moonbeams cast striations across velvet night,

breezes blow in conspiratorial, hushed murmurs,

Timber wolves howl, cries from distant valleys,

two children roving in the half-light gloaming.

 

Abandoned, lost in twilight, dimly lit woods,

trail of breadcrumbs – markers - a path home,

now eaten by wandering beasts and birds,

sanctuary found, salvation in floral obscurity.

 

Of sweets and delights and gingerbread walls,

door of gnarled wood creaks open in welcome,

haggard old woman dressed in rags smiles,

inside a fire rages, ushered to ashen hearth.

 

Famine stalks this land, vales of tears, torment,

woodcutter’s wife weeps from afar in despair,

a witch’s greeting, scheming, abating hunger,

spells, enchantments, she imprisons her prey.

 

Fattening, conjuration, cannibalistic feast to come

but for a sly, slick, sleight-of-hand from a child,

ancient sorceress entrapped in a culinary tomb,

binds broken, the vanquished victims no more.

 

 

Image free to use at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hansel_and_Gretel#/media/File%3AHansel-and...

Certificate 12
Poem
Miscellaneous Poems
Fantasy

Comments

Submitted by Ewan on

It had nice rhythm and some good internal rhyme.

I wonder if you really need the final stanza? What does it add? It does jerk the/this reader right out of the atmosphere you have so skilfully created. \\\\

best
Ewan

Author Page at the 'Zon
 

Submitted by marandina on

Thanks for reading it, Ewan. The penultimate stanza didn't
feel like the right place to finish but I did add it after writing the main body of the poem over the last week or so. I will take it out then as it may look like an afterthought if you have picked up on it.

Thanks for the invaluable feedback. Much appreciated. Paul

 

Submitted by marandina on

Many thanks for the cherries, ABC Eds. Much appreciated. Paul

 

Submitted by Jane Hyphen on

I enjoyed this poetic take on a creepy tale, especially how you set the scene in the woods and then take the reader through the story until its brutal ending and the childrens escape. I love the Pied Piper verses but it's rather long. This is just right and retains the darkness of the original story.

 

Submitted by marandina on

Ah thanks for reading it, Jane. The original Grimm's tales are like horror stories. They have become sanitised over the years. Just as well for most children! Thanks again. Paul

 

Submitted by celticman on

famine does stalk the land, unfortunately not just in fairy tales. 

 

Submitted by marandina on

Ah thanks for reading it, CM. You are right, of course. Hoping you are well. Paul

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

Great poem Paul, grasping the orignal story with your own poetic skill.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by marandina on

Ah thanks for reading it, Jenny. I have taken the final stanza out as suggested by Ewan. I will probably publish it in this thread in case anyone is remote interested in what the original version looked like. Hoping you are well. Paul :)

 

Submitted by marandina on

Deleted final stanza below. Could become valuable when I finally find fame :)

 

Old wives’ tales and stories told around kindling,

messages and metaphors changed over centuries,

legend and lore recounted by Brothers Grimm,

faeries and ghosts roam graveyards of the mind.

 

Submitted by onemorething on

Oh, I missed this poem from you yesterday! Did you tweet it? Will go and look. Am a sucker for a fairytale and this is a favourite. Very well done, love velvet night and moonbeams, famine stalking the land, floral obscurity. Last stanza, as it is now, is perfect too. :)

 

Submitted by marandina on

Oh thank you for reading it, Rachel. Yes, it reads better now than it did originally. The benefit of quality feedback, of course. I like writing about old fairy tales and stuff. Glad you liked it. Paul :)