Ulf and Sven and the Viking Burial

Sven: (offstage) "Ulf. Ulf."

(enter Sven)

Sven: "Have you heard the news, Ulf? Olaf Hairshirt has died.”

Ulf: “Olaf? He was only 63. How did he die?”

Sven: “He was killed by a Viking, Ulf.”

Ulf: "A Viking? But this is 1973, there are no Vikings Sven. More’s the pity.”

Sven: "It was a battle re-enactment, Ulf. He was resisting the invasion of Eric the Churlish when he suddenly dropped down dead.

Ulf: "How terrible.”

Sven: “And completely lacking in historical accuracy. Eric the Churlish should have lost, instead he was not only victorious but won merits for attempting to resuscitate his foe. He’d done a St John’s Ambulance course you see.”

Ulf: “What a way to go, though, Sven. Killed in battle with Viking invaders.”

Sven: We should go to his funeral. It’s on Tuesday morning at the UFC. There’s a buffet lunch afterwards at the Blancmange and Parakeet pub.”

Ulf: “Nonsense, Sven. Olaf deserves better than the UFC and a buffet lunch. We should give him a Viking funeral. Send him to sea on a fiery longboat, so make sure that he will sail to Valhalla and spend the afterlife drinking mead with his Viking ancestors.”

Sven: “But the arrangements have all been made, Ulf. The Co-op Funerals are doing everything. And the Co-op don’t do setting fire to Viking longships.”

Ulf: “Hang the Co-op, Sven. Let us break into the Co-op tonight, rescue Olaf’s body and give him a proper send-off.”

Sven: “But we don’t have longboat Ulf. And we’re miles from the coast.”

Ulf: “In that case we’ll put him in one of the paddle boats on the park duck-pond.”

Sven: “But we can’t set the paddle boats on fire, they’re council property.”

Ulf: “In that case we’ll cover him with a blanket, sing Viking songs and drink mead. Then we’ll leave a note for the parkkeeper to return him to the Co-op in the morning.”

Sven: “Great, let’s go to the Co-op now. There’s no time to waste.”

Sven exits in the wrong direction

Ulf: “Where are you going, Sven?”

Sven: “I’m going to get a Viking helmet to bury him in, Ulf. He needs to be dressed as a Viking otherwise he’s just a corpse covered by a blanket in a paddle-boat.”

Ulf: “Fetch my helmet while you’re there, Sven. And my sword. We should make it as authentic as possible.”