British Bulldog.

My eyes closed on the train journey home. I’d jumped out of my seat, pulling my rucksack from the rack above my head and made a run for it as the doors beeped as they shut. The bottleneck of people in front of Dalmuir station entrance and exit cleared quickly enough. I wondered if I should help the baldy old guy with a walking stick that had stalled on the hill. But it was too nice a day to waste. I kept my head down and kept walking, until I heard him hollering my name, ‘Jim!’

‘Jesus, I didnae think it was you there. I thought you were in Afghanistan?’

‘I wiz. Then I got married. Then I came hame.’ Joe backed against the wall, out of breath as if all that explaining had tired him.  

‘I didnae think you got married.’

‘Aye, I got the clap.’

‘You got that fae your wife?’

‘Nah,’ Jim was quick to correct me. ‘I had that in the army. Then I married wan of them.’

I took his arm and we started up the incline. He was slow and I had to hold myself back from hauling him forward. ‘Wan of them, whit?’

‘Wan of them Afghanis. The good thing about them is you know they’ll always be clean. You’ll no get anything aff them.’

Traffic was backed up at the lights at the top of the hill. ‘You still at your Ma’s?’

‘Aye.’

‘I’ll phone my wife. She’ll maybe come pick us up.’

He shook his head. ‘The walk will dae me good.’ His pride kicked in. ‘Anyway, I’ll no haud you back.’

I wasn’t sure anything much would do him good. We waited for the lights to beep before we crossed Duntocher Road.

‘Where’s your wife noo?’ I asked.

‘She’s still over there. If that’s whit you mean. That’s how we met.’

He took a breather, sitting on the carpark wall beside the Scout Hall we used to play British Bulldog in.  He was a hothead, struggling and kicking. Not playing by the rules. I was trying to think of an excuse to leave him there and head home.

‘We’d just finished patrol. A long, dusty fuck-up and the only thing you want is a shower and a beer. That’s how we met.’

‘You met her in the barracks?’ My phone buzzed and I was glad to check it out, but it was only my wife, so I blanked it.

‘Aye, the good-looking wan stood by the window talking tae the captain. The other wan sat on a chair beside me. I stared at her as if I could see through her black burkha. Unlike her pal, who dressed like a proper woman, even her face was covered up tae the chin, with one of those nets things. You couldnae look through. I guess she might have had some reason for dressing like that, but I didnae really care.

‘I wasnae looking too smart myself. Shirt and shorts and flip-flops.

‘She was completely blanking me. Her whole body turned at the shoulder. Her elbow was rigid leaning on the table. She was almost as surprised as me, when I leaned across the table, grabbed her hand and kissed it.

‘A few seconds passed before she pulled away. It must have been shock. “You must not,” she hissed.   

‘The captain finished his conversation with the good-looking wan. And the lady that I’d kissed followed on behind at a respectable distance before catching up with her.’

‘Fuck, you’re weirder than I thought,’ I told him.

‘Aye, it was crazy, but crazy times. “You must not” became I must. She’d a soft voice.’ He became tangled in that moment. He laughed. ‘And she spoke English. That’s mair than either of us stupid cunts ever managed. I was mair stupid than crafty.’

He got up and tottered along. I walked beside him as we past the overgrown rhododendrons swallowing the wall of the Scout Hall. A taxi slowed at the bend and allowed other cars to accelerate past the chicane of parked cars. I waved my arms and whistled. But the taxi driver blanked me. Jim stumbled and I caught his arm. There was no weight in him. He used to be about fifteen stones. He’d be lucky if he was eight stone now. The blue and red swirls of tattoos on the back of his neck and arms were heavier than him. 2-Para and the obligatory knife as a motto and way of living and dying. He signed up for the full twenty years.

‘All that time I was o’er there. I’d my brains in my cock. So I followed the captain’s bit of stuff. I found out that the wan I was looking for was an escort’s escort tae keep her pal respectable. But everything o’er there was cheap. I mean cheap by oor standards. But by fuck, could that girl cut a deal.’    

He coughed and slapped at his chest. We stood near the church hall, which used to hold Guild discos, ten pence in. We used to chance our arm and hope to kiss a girl.  I was impatient to hear more, and asked him, ‘Did you shag her or no?’

‘Well, aye and no,’ he said, confusing me more.

‘I had to become a Muslim.’

‘Jesus Christ.’

‘Exactly. Then we could go through some bogus marriage ceremony that would make it alright.’

I slapped his arm. ‘It could have been worse. She could have been a Catholic.’

‘Well, I’d some time aff. Some leave before I was due to fly hame. But I was desperate. So I went o’er the wall. An’ went on honeymoon.’

‘You deserted the army?’ I couldn’t keep the outrage out of my voice. ‘Next you’ll be telling me you joined the Taliban.’

He took a breather, it was hot, but not as hot as Afghanistan, I guessed.

‘I did mean tae go back. But the honeymoon lasted six weeks. It was the best time of my life. She was young, you know, very young.’

If he was going to tell me some Gary Glitter story of woe. I didn’t want to hear it.  

‘Well, it was her faither,’ he said. ‘When I went to get my uniform and all the money, it was gone.’

‘Fuck sake, he stole everything, whit did you dae?’ I knew what I’d have done. ‘Did you go back tae the army and tell them some cock-an’-bull story about being mugged and losing your memory?’

His gaunt smile was almost jaunty. The way Joe used to be.

‘I did the only thing I could. I went back and told her whit had happened. I thought we could work it oot. Cause she was fucking cracking. I’d never get anybody as good as that again. I wasnae gonnae go back tae the army. I really did love her.’

He was on the verge of sobbing. I spluttered. ‘Fuck sake, that’s murder.’

‘It was. I was lying awake in the middle of the night. She said she was gonnae go and pray wae her faither. But I wasn’t even sure if it was her da, but I let her go.’ He bent over panting for breath and stood up slowly as an old man. ‘They’d this auld dog that lived on scraps. Stinking the place up. Its eyes were that of a vulture wae a film o’er them. Always watching. Always waiting. If I’d my rifle in my hand I’d have shot it as surely as I’m standing next tae you. I watched it slinging towards my bed. It watched me watching it. When I realised I couldn’t find anything tae hit it wae, it said, “You better get out tonight. Or you won’t see tomorrow. Because they’ll kill you.” An’ it cackled. An’ it was a human laugh, like an auld woman.”    

I snorted, ‘You saying a dog, talked tae you?’ I tried to think of a reason. ‘They must have poisoned you wae something.’

‘I’m only telling you, whit happened.’