Doctor, Doctor ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 2)

Continued from Episode 1 (Don't Leave Me This Way)

The story so far:  Things are not going well at Oakshott and Underwood.  The news about the fracas in the crematorium at the end of the 'Bring Out Your Dead' saga, has spread far and wide with an inevitable drop in trade as a consequence.  Josiah thinks redundancies might be on the horizon and has told Archibald this, in confidence.  Meanwhile all trace of Samantha Knight's presence and influence on the business seems to have been removed.

Archibald Thurble folded his arms and viewed the scene around him with ill-concealed displeasure.

“I don’t reckon half of them in here have got owt wrong with them” He announced, to the world in general.

Josiah Oakshott sighed and closed, with some difficulty, the book he was attempting to read.

“I think that may be something of a sweeping generalisation, Archibald”

“Well, look at ‘em!” Archibald waved a hand, disparagingly, “you can’t see any reason for them being here, can you?”

“I rather doubt that people are choosing to spend their free time in the Merkin-under-Heathwood Accident and Emergency department, out of a misplaced desire for entertainment, don’t you?”

“Doesn’t explain why they’re here, cluttering the place up” Archibald said, grumpily.

“I would remind you, Archibald, that you volunteered to drive me here.  I could easily have made other arrangements”

“Well, yeah, but we’ve been here hours!”

“We have not ‘been here hours’, as you put it.  We have, in fact, been here for just over an hour to date” Josiah pointed out, “which is, I strongly suspect, a fraction of the time that some other members of our cohort have been waiting”

“And that’s another thing,” Archibald continued, warming to his theme, “that woman over there came in way after us, and she’s been seen already!”

“That is because they operate a triage system in this department” Josiah explained, patiently, “whereby patients are seen in accordance with the perceived severity or urgency of their condition”

“Then how come she’s been seen and we ain’t?”

“I have no idea, Archibald” Josiah shook his head, “I can only imagine that, whatever ails that poor lady, it is somewhat more serious than the possible fractured wrist for which I am awaiting investigation”

“I reckon it’s a twist” Archibald frowned, “you’re not telling me that it’s not down to who you know.  They treated her like an old friend, down at Reception”

“Perhaps she is unfortunate enough to suffer from some form of chronic illness which necessitates frequent visits here”

“Yeah, right!” Archibald responded, contemptuously.

“You do not have to wait with me, if you do not wish to, Archibald” Josiah said, testily, “I am perfectly capable of obtaining transportation home, if need be”

“Nah, you’re alright” Archibald shrugged, “I’m here now, enni?”

Josiah sighed, wearily, “Aren’t I?”  He corrected.

“Aren’t you what?”  Archibald looked more puzzled than usual.

“Aren’t you here!”

“Yeah, ‘course I am, that’s what I was saying, innit?”  Archibald shook his head.

“Indeed, you are, as I’m all too well aware” Josiah opened his book again, with a wince, having erroneously used his injured hand., and then made the mistake of closing it with a snap, “And must you end your sentences with that annoying interrogative?”

“You what?”

“That ‘innit’ phrase that you seem to have adopted”

“Oh, that” Archibald nodded, “it’s what all the kids are saying, innit?”

“With respect, you are hardly a ‘kid’ anymore, Archibald and it only succeeds in making you sound uncouth and ignorant”

“But, it’s cool!”  Archibald protested.

“Not in my view, it isn’t” Josiah frowned, “I would be obliged if you would restrict your usage to when you are conversing with friends and acquaintances.  It most certainly should not form part of any professional conversation.  Ow!”  He concluded, as he tried again to open the book.

“I can’t figure out how you did that, in the first place?”  Archibald observed, happy to change the subject away from his shortcomings.

“I hardly injured myself as a deliberate act of self-harm!” Josiah snapped, “I have no idea how it happened either, presumably I applied myself to the polishing of our vehicles with undue enthusiasm!”

“I don’t know why you do it, at all” Archibald shook his head, despairingly, “it’s not as if there aren’t enough of us to look after all that sort of thing”

“I happen to enjoy it” Josiah said, curtly, “it makes a pleasant change from staring at our accounts for hours on end”

“Things still not good then?”

“If anything, they are worse” Josiah said, sadly, “I assume you did heed my warning and avoided any mention to your colleagues concerning our current difficulties?”

“Never said a word” Archibald made a zipping motion across his mouth.

“Only, it seems to me that, whenever I venture into the workshop, a sudden, furious, industry springs up all around me” Josiah raised an eyebrow.

“You what?”

“Everyone suddenly becomes very busy, indeed” Josiah translated.

“Well, we’ve all got things to do, we’re busy people” Archibald said, piously.

“Hmm, if you say so” Josiah turned a page in his book.

“How come there’s so many people here, anyway?  They can’t all be accidents and emergencies, can they?”  Archibald took the opportunity to change the subject, again.

“I believe it is a consequence of the difficulty some people experience in accessing primary health care”

“What’s that then, when it’s at home?” Archibald queried.

“I’m given to understand that it is not always easy to obtain a doctor’s appointment” Josiah expanded.

“Oh, yeah, you’re right there.  Me Nan’s always going on about it” Archibald nodded, “She gets her knickers in a right twist about this ‘fastest finger first’ thing”

“I beg your pardon?” It was Josiah’s turn to look perplexed.

“Like off that Millionaire programme?  You know, if you want to see the doctor, you have to ring up at eight-o-clock in the morning, on the dot…”

“Is that the case?  Many years have elapsed since I last sought an appointment”

“Well, yeah, and you have to keep bashing the redial button if you get the ‘engaged’ tone, ‘cause everyone’s doing the same thing, ain’t they?”

“I will be advised by you” Josiah shrugged.

“Oh yeah, and then, when you do get through, it’s tough luck ‘cause all of the appointments have gone to them what dialled a bit faster than what you did!  So, you might be on your last legs but the bloke before you, what’s got a bit of a cold, he’s had the last appointment so you’re up sh…the creek without a paddle”

“I had no idea that seeing a G.P. was so onerous!” Josiah shook his head in disbelief, “However, that reinforces my point about the problems in accessing primary health care and, therefore, the increased demands on the A&E departments across the country”

“How’s that then?”  Archibald frowned.

“Well, I have no idea whether the barriers to access to our G.P. service, which you have so eloquently described, are a deliberate attempt to ration a finite resource,” Josiah closed his book, again, as he expanded on his theme, “but, if that is the case, then it has clearly failed spectacularly because the demand just shifts elsewhere within the NHS, as evidenced by the waiting times experienced here, today”

“You mean, if they can’t get to see the doctor, they rock up here?”

“Indeed, or possibly, given your illustration of the difficulties inherent in obtaining an appointment, do not even make the effort to do so, but just resign themselves to the inevitable wait at A&E”

“Yeah, that would explain a lot!” Archibald looked around at the packed waiting room, “me Nan reckons it all went to the dogs during that Covid malarkey, when you couldn’t see your G.P. for love nor money”

“I think that period did engender something of a shift in attitudes, both within the Health Service itself, and with its patients” Josiah agreed.

“Not half!”  Archibald nodded, enthusiastically, “me Nan reckons the only thing her doctor did, during Covid, was oil the drawbridge and feed the dragon!”

“Very droll!” Josiah smirked.  An urgent tingling sound indicated something coming through on his mobile phone.  At the same time,

“Joshua Oakshop?” A nurse announced from the other end of the room.

“Ey up, I think you’re on!” Archibald nudged his employer.

“You would think it would not be beyond the wit of man to at least get one’s name right!” Josiah said, crossly.

“What was that on your phone?”

“I have not had time to look,” He stood up, waved to the nurse to indicate he was coming, and briefly opened his phone, “well, I never!” He grinned, “we have an enquiry about our services, corn in Egypt indeed!”  He marched off for his consultation.

“Bloody hell, I hope not” Archibald said to himself, looking seriously worried, “we had enough trouble with Spain!”

Now read Part 3