Spitting image

The moment he steps onto the small stage. This is always a mixture of his deepest disgust. And his greatest desire. Those first seconds where everything happens. Where everything is determined. Everything he is afraid of. Everything he hopes for. The opinion of the visitors. The audience. His confidence in a good result.

He would prefer to close his eyes those first few moments. Like when you are on a roller coaster. The cart is being lifted to the highest point. You hear the screeching of the wheels. The hushed whispers of your fellow victims. The wind across your pale cheeks.

But that's not how stand-up comedy works. The goal is to have direct contact with the audience. Look the ones who are present in the eye. Immediately try to provoke as many reactions as possible. Laughter, bewilderment, amazement. You must play to the people. They should not have any time to catch their breath.

But that smooth, quick-witted young man. He has not always been him. Certainly not. By far most of his life he was timid, quiet, afraid, shy. As soon as people came in his vicinity, he cowered. There was only one wish that sprung to his mind. To disappear. He did not open his mouth. He closed his eyes. He made no contact.

No wonder he was bullied at school. He was a very willing victim. He allowed himself to be told everything. Allowed everything to be done. They scolded him. They emptied his lunchbox. They pushed his head into the toilet bowl. They scratched his notebooks. Because he was the laughingstock of every class. He was never invited to parties. He never dared to go on school trips.

Until he discovered how funny he could be. How comical. Until he found out that the bullies stopped tyrannizing him when he started to tell jokes. And the cruder the jokes, the more likable he got. In this way, little by little, he developed into a jester. A real funny guy. A joker. Step by step he managed to make more people laugh. He very gradually became a well-known stand-up comedian.

He also knows how to entertain the audience this evening. He enjoys it. The grateful smiles. The shining eyes. And all attention is focused on him. He feels caressed by the encouragement, the applause. And in the meantime, he apparently casually tells his jokes, his short stories, observations, reflections, impressions.

When he started, he was sometimes hesitant. What were you allowed and not allowed to joke about? Which taboos did you have to avoid? Who in the room would feel offended? But over the years he has become less susceptible to it. What is being considered inappropriate. He decides himself which topics he addresses.

Suddenly he sees her. On a bar stool. On the side of the room. A little woman looks at her glass of beer with shame. As if she does not want to be part of the cheering crowd. Meanwhile, he continues talking. He is just telling an anecdote involving Lilliputians. Or even better. Dwarfs. That sounds even more comical. And the audience thinks so too. They laugh their heads off.

The little woman empties her glass. She now sits with her back to him. It starts to dawn on him. Isn't it better to stop now with the story about the Lilliputians, the banter about the dwarfs? But then he notices the laughter from the crowd. They roar, they guffaw.

He looks across the room. And finishes his story. When he secretly turns his gaze towards the bar, he sees that she has disappeared. The little woman. Relieved, he starts a new round of fresh jokes. And he feels something of a triumph. A victory. That he went his own way. That he did not succumb to the pressure of self-censorship. Isn't that the death knell of every comedian?

When you do not dare to push boundaries. When you are not able to cross borders. What is the value of your texts? You might read a poem of John Keats as well. Or Samual Taylor Coleridge.

He looks at the bar again. There is someone else in the spot now. He suddenly pales. He recognizes him. That boy. And how this teenager looks at him. Those desperate eyes. That shame. That powerlessness. A spitting image of who he was. In high school.