A House Call - Part 2 of 5

Frances yanks the magazine from Mel.

FRANCES. Thank you, genius.

 

Frances begins flipping through the new magazine. Mel, bewildered, sits on the couch and starts flipping through the other magazines. They are all blank. As he flips through them, a woman’s muffled scream is heard coming from a different room. Mel perks up. Frances continues “reading”.

 

MEL. Did you hear that?

 

    Frances does not look up from her magazine.

 

FRANCES. Hm?

 

MEL. There was a woman!

 

FRANCES. There’s lots of those.

 

MEL. No, no, the scream.

 

FRANCES. You scream, I scream.

 

MEL. Should we do something?

 

FRANCES. About what?

 

MEL. The woman!

 

FRANCES. What do you want to do?

 

MEL. Go check on her! See if everything’s alright!

 

FRANCES. Why do you care?

 

MEL. Isn’t it obvious? How do I call for help here?

 

FRANCES. (Fake cry.) Help! Help! A woman! Something like

that.

 

MEL. Can you do something?

 

FRANCES. It’d be a little rude to leave right after my host

showed up. She’s pretty loud, isn’t she? These walls are thick.

 

MEL. So you did hear her?

 

FRANCES. Of course I did. Do you have screaming neighbors at - 

 

MEL. We need to get help.

 

FRANCES. I’m sure it’s being handled already.

 

MEL. By who?

 

FRANCES. Professionals. 

 

MEL. Professionals? But - 

 

FRANCES. If you heard a siren go off at a nuclear power plant, would you go rushing in yourself to see what was wrong? Of course you wouldn’t. You’d let professionals handle it and you’d stand on the side and hope everything was fine.

 

MEL. What if everything wasn’t fine?

 

FRANCES. Then you’d be vaporized in a few minutes anyway.

 

MEL. That doesn’t sound fine.

 

FRANCES. It’d be over before you know it. Just a blast mark on the ground. Only enough time to pick a good pose.

 

MEL. I’m sorry, but what the hell are you talking about?

 

FRANCES. Meltdown at the plant.

 

MEL. I’m talking about the woman!

 

FRANCES. Who’s the woman?

 

MEL. Who are you!?

 

    Frances looks up from her magazine.

 

FRANCES. (Matter of fact.) Frances.

 

MEL. Why didn’t you say so?

 

FRANCES. You didn’t ask.

 

MEL. I did, I said -

 

FRANCES. You asked if I was the doctor. I’m not a or the

doctor. You didn’t ask who I was.

 

MEL. Alright, then. You’re Frances. Frances who?

 

FRANCES. Just Frances.

 

MEL. I wasn’t expecting you, Frances.

 

FRANCES. That’s because you didn’t read that part in the form.

 

MEL. Isn’t this supposed to be confidential?

 

    Frances looks around the room.

 

FRANCES. I won’t tell anyone.

 

MEL. Confidential between myself and a professional.

 

FRANCES. (Offended.) I am a professional.

 

MEL. In what?

 

FRANCES. I don’t know yet.

 

MEL. Would you put down that magazine?

 

FRANCES. Why?

 

MEL. It’s blank. Just put it down and be straight with me.

 

FRANCES. Doesn’t matter that it’s blank, I just like it.

 

MEL. Is there or isn’t there supposed to be a doctor?

 

FRANCES. What is with you and doctors?

 

MEL. Please, just tell me. Will there be a doctor?

 

FRANCES. Did someone tell you that?

 

MEL. Yes, I -! (He thinks.) Well, I don’t remember.

 

    Frances laughs.

 

FRANCES. That’s a hell of an assumption to make. If I was a

doctor, would you be a bit nicer to me?

 

MEL. Depends on if you’re just a doctor or if you’re a

doctor here.

 

FRANCES. If I was a doctor and I was here, I’d be a doctor here. 

 

MEL. Look, if you’re not a doctor - 

 

FRANCES. We’ve established that.

 

MEL. You must be here for the procedure as well, then.

 

FRANCES. Sure am. 

 

MEL. Then that means there’s a room modeled after your living room, right?

 

FRANCES. That’s a hell of an assumption to - 

 

MEL. Do you have one?

 

FRANCES. Somewhere, I think.

 

MEL. I have an idea.

 

FRANCES. Oh?

 

MEL. Why don’t you go there?

 

FRANCES. I don’t know where it is.

 

MEL. Did they not tell you?

 

FRANCES. They must have at some point but…I forgot.

 

MEL. Well, the building isn’t that big. I’m sure if you start now you could find it.

 

FRANCES. I think I’ll stay here. I’m comfortable.

 

    Mel stands.

 

MEL. C’mon. We can look together.

 

FRANCES. Wanna get rid of me that badly, huh?

 

MEL. No, I - 

 

FRANCES. What if a doctor were to walk in while we were on a

wild goose chase for a lost room for me? Just walked into an empty room. I don’t think that doctor would be happy that you’re wasting his doctor time by being late for your appointment.

 

MEL. We’ll be quick. We can just go to reception and ask - 

 

FRANCES. Say, do you know anything about the Greeks?

 

MEL. What?

 

FRANCES. Ancient Greeks. Not present Greeks or future Greeks, but ancient Greeks. The Greeks a long, long time ago. The guys on all those vases.

 

MEL. I don’t think I know anything about those vases, no.

 

FRANCES. Then you don’t know that the most important thing to a Greek was hospitality. Do you know what hospitality is?

 

MEL. Of course I - 

 

FRANCES. It means letting whoever shows up, stranger or not, do whatever they want. You have to share your stuff, too. Everybody hated you if you weren’t hospitable, especially to strangers. It wasn’t just your neighbors that hated you, though. The goddamned gods hated you. They actually cared quite a bit about whether or not you were playing house by their rules. See, the thing is, you could never be sure whether or not the stranger popping up at your door in the middle of the night was just some poor schmuck or a god in disguise. They were allowed to do that, you know. Test you, trick you. You didn’t have to sign a form. No one oversaw them. They were gods, remember. Sometimes, it seemed like they even wanted to catch you being inhospitable. Catch you staring someone in the face and saying “no, I don’t want to help you”. Then they could do whatever they wanted. Curse you for all time, turn you into whatever they wanted, kill you. And of course they could. Gods. Mighty Zeus could just float on down from Olympus to mess with you. Savor in some groveling. Imagine that.

 

Frances imagines that, reveling at the thought. Brief pause.

 

MEL. What does that have to do with -?

 

    Frances erupts from the chair and looms over Mel.

 

FRANCES. You dare question the mighty Zeus!? (Mel cowers back into the couch. Brief pause. Frances laughs. The Evaluator enters unnoticed. She carries a clipboard and a small, rectangular case.) That’s a good look. A repentant Greek. I’ll take one vase of that please. (The Evaluator clears her throat to announce herself. Frances and Mel take notice.) Hey, you made it!

 

EVALUATOR. (Flatly.) Ms. Frances.

 

FRANCES. Ms…

 

    Frances shrugs.

 

EVALUATOR. If I had known you were going to be involved today, I would have stayed at home. 

 

FRANCES. Should’ve looked at the sheet.

 

EVALUATOR. I did look at the sheet.

 

FRANCES. When?

 

EVALUATOR. Earlier this morning.

 

FRANCES. Should’ve checked it again. 

 

EVALUATOR. I suppose I should have, shouldn’t I?

 

FRANCES. Oh, you should’ve. Go ahead, then.

 

    The Evaluator scowls but refers back t0 the clipboard.

 

EVALUATOR. No specific mention. Did you get clearance?

 

FRANCES. Of course I - 

 

EVALUATOR. Written clearance?

FRANCES. (She scoffs.) That’s not a thing anymore. Front desk told me I was free to pick whatever room I wanted on today’s roster. So, I closed my eyes, spun around three times, threw a dart at the wall and it landed on - (She claps Mel on the back.) - our lucky winner! 

EVALUATOR. And has Mr. Datz accepted?

 

FRANCES. Look at the form.

 

EVALUATOR. He did sign off on it. Has he said anything?

 

FRANCES. Does it matter?

 

EVALUATOR. For the form, I’d like to know if -

 

FRANCES. No, he hasn’t even told me to leave.

 

EVALUATOR. (She sighs.) Well, I suppose there’s nothing to be done. Where is Mr. Datz?

 

FRANCES. Oh, that guy? (To Mel.) You’re on.

 

Mel is still shrunken against the couch in recoil from Frances’ outburst. The Evaluator finally notices him.

 

EVALUATOR. Mr. Datz, I’m - (Brief pause.) Why are you

sitting like that?

 

MEL. I’m sorry, I - 

 

EVALUATOR. Straighten yourself out, would you? (Mel straightens out.) That’s good. My apologies for Ms. Frances. She’s rowdy, obnoxious, and you can’t trust anything she says, but for some reason my superiors like to keep her around.

 

FRANCES. What can I say?

 

EVALUATOR. (To Frances.) You can be silent. Now, Mr. Datz, aside from all this, how do you feel?

 

    Mel is caught off-guard, glancing between the Evaluator

and Frances for a second.

 

MEL. Mel. Mel is fine.

 

EVALUATOR. Pardon me?

 

MEL. You can call me Mel.

 

EVALUATOR. Sure. Go ahead and answer the question, Mr. Datz.

 

Mel looks to Frances one more time. Frances nods her head.

 

MEL. I’m feeling fine.

 

EVALUATOR. Fine, Mr. Datz?

 

MEL. Yes, I’m fine.

 

EVALUATOR. You’ll have to be more specific than that. How are you feeling?

 

MEL. I’m fine - er, I’m feeling ready, yes, ready to start.

 

EVALUATOR. Eager?

 

MEL. Yes.

 

EVALUATOR. Nervous.

 

MEL. A little. (Brief pause.) A lot.

 

EVALUATOR. But ready?

 

MEL. Yes, I believe I’m ready.

 

EVALUATOR. Alright, let’s get down to it - 

 

FRANCES. Before we start, I’d like to lodge a complaint.

 

EVALUATOR. And what would that be? 

 

FRANCES. My host, Mel, and I have both come to the startling

conclusion that this couch is shit and we’d like to request a new one. 

 

EVALUATOR. I assure you it’s the exact same make and model as the one in Mr. Datz’s home.

 

FRANCES. I don’t think anyone would buy such an uncomfortable couch consciously unless they were some sort of psycho. Mel even said himself that he thinks that his couch is more comfortable at home. Isn’t that right?

 

    Frances and the Evaluator look to Mel.

 

EVALUATOR. Well, Mr. Datz?

 

MEL. I like it, honestly, it’s fine. 

 

FRANCES. Melvin! Don’t lie to the nice woman. 

 

EVALUATOR. If we’re done talking about the couch - 

 

FRANCES. I don’t think I’ll ever be done talking about the

couch.

 

EVALUATOR. Why don’t you take a seat, Ms. Frances?

 

FRANCES.  Whatever you say.

 

    Frances makes to sit back in the armchair.

 

EVALUATOR. Ah, ah, ah. (Frances stops.) On the couch, Ms.

Frances.

 

    Frances crosses and sits on the couch next to Mel in a

huff.

 

FRANCES. You don’t have to be so aggressive. (Greeting.) Hey, Mel. 

 

EVALUATOR. I can easily find out if you’re lying to me, Ms.

Frances.

 

FRANCES. About what?

 

EVALUATOR. Your clearance.

 

FRANCES. You could, but do you really want to go through the trouble and question the guys upstairs?

 

EVALUATOR. Fortunately for you, I don’t.

 

MEL. What’s upstairs?

 

FRANCES. (In a deep voice.) Mighty Zeus!

 

EVALUATOR. It’s administration, Mr. Datz.

 

MEL. Mel, please. 

 

EVALUATOR. Would you be so kind and offer me a seat?

 

MEL. Oh, yes, sorry. Please sit. 

 

EVALUATOR. Thank you for having me. Now - (She places her case on the table and begins referring to her clipboard.) - a few formalities and then we’ll get started. You understand. Ready?

 

MEL. Ready.

 

FRANCES. Finally, yes, I’m ready.

 

EVALUATOR. I’m obligated to remind you that you have voluntarily, and without coercion, applied for this experimental procedure. Do you admit to doing so?

 

MEL. Sure.

 

EVALUATOR. A yes or no, please.

 

MEL. Yes.

 

EVALUATOR. The specifics of the procedure are strictly confidential. Do you have any prior knowledge of the procedure or have you up to this point received any direct information regarding the specifics of the procedure? (She looks up from her clipboard.) This includes anything said to you about the procedure from Ms. Frances. 

 

FRANCES. Haven’t said a goddamn thing. 

 

EVALUATOR. Ms. Frances, please. Let Mr. Datz answer.

 

FRANCES. We only talked about the couch! 

 

EVALUATOR. Ms. Frances!

 

MEL. I don’t know anything! (Brief pause.) Sorry. I don’t know anything, I promise. I’m completely in the dark. 

 

EVALUATOR. Oh, good. Just a few more items here. Mr. Datz, do you believe the room you are currently in to be an accurate representation of the main entertaining location, hereafter “living room”, of your current residence?

 

MEL. Oh, absolutely. I was actually struck by - 

 

EVALUATOR. Yes or no.

 

MEL. Yes.

 

EVALUATOR. Is there any - (She reads ahead silently.) We can skip that one.

 

FRANCES. You can’t do that.

 

EVALUATOR. I am in charge of this procedure and I - 

 

FRANCES. You can’t do that.

 

EVALUATOR. I can do whatever I damn well please. 

 

FRANCES. I’ll tell.

 

EVALUATOR. Are you a child?

 

FRANCES. You know I am.

 

    They stare each other down. The Evaluator relents.

 

EVALUATOR. Is there any feature or aspect that is currently missing that would otherwise enhance your comfortability or accuracy to the duplication of your living room?

Frances and Mel exchange a glance.

FRANCES. I can’t really think of anything.

 

EVALUATOR. (Sarcastic.) Oh, you must try.

 

FRANCES. Well, if I had to pick one thing - 

 

MEL. The picture frame. 

 

    Frances and the Evaluator look to Mel, intrigued.

 

EVALUATOR. Come again?

 

MEL. (Pointing.) The, um…picture frame.

 

    The Evaluator picks it up and studies it.

 

EVALUATOR. What’s wrong with the frame?

 

MEL. It’s not the frame itself. That’s pretty accurate. It’s

the photo.