D: 4/2/03

Work Diary, 4/2/03

As the cheerleaders say:

"U! G! L! Y!

You ain't got no alibi!

You ugly! You ugly!"

I haven't had a haircut in months and I keep using this crap shampoo
because I'm too cheap to buy something better. I have two huge bottles
of the stuff - one smells like grapefruit, the other like spoiled honey
- and my hair is dry and frizzy and sticking out all over my head like
some sort of deranged Terrier on its way to the pound.

My face is sunburned and peeling, but only on the left side. The whole
effect is balanced by my bloodshot right eye, however, so I shouldn't
complain.

This weekend I saw a hair growing out of the bridge of my nose so I
took my razor to it, only to slice off a mole on the tip of my nose. It
bled for a while and then became a strange, self-contained little
crater. My nose is already broken but had managed to keep up
appearances before this travesty. Poor thing. You'd think that will all
my freckles my butchery wouldn't be noticeable, but there it shines, a
Rudolphian beacon in the night.

I chewed off all my fingernails yesterday, too, because I couldn't find
the clippers. Naturally, when I'd taken the last nail between my teeth
and drawn blood, I found the clippers, right where I'd left them on the
patio table. Unfortunately I'd placed the bird's cage on the table
earlier, hiding the clippers from view, so I sat nursing my bleeding
pinky finger while the bird enjoyed the fresh air.

The skin on my legs has finally succumbed to Colorado's dry, arid,
soul-killing air. I put lotion on each morning, and even though my legs
are as white as the driven snow, I can still see the flaky,
alligator-like skin. How do you cure dandruff on leg hair?

And I have a blister on one of my toes from my new shoes that really
aren't that new anymore and should really?stop?hurting?me.

"U! G! L! Y!?"