There's a fat bird on my sofa

There's a fat bird on my sofa
Sleeping, drooling on the leather
While she snores like fifty chainsaws
And I try to work out whether
It was vodka, rum or Aftershock
That got me in this state -
I've a head made out of china
And I'm trapped beneath the weight
Of this elephant in pantyhose
But sadly nothing more -
She's got fat folds in her fat folds
And they reach down to the floor,
You could stick a needle in her arm
And test her blood for gravy
You could label her a submarine
And sell her to the navy
But for now she's here on top of me
My torso's gone all numb
And I've lost all circulation
In the parts around my bum,
My face is kind of sandwiched
Underneath her ample charms
And I've only one eye open
For the other's 'neath her arm
I see condoms on the carpet
But past that my view's restricted
And my breathing's getting laboured
'Cause my throat is being constricted
Through it all I can't help feeling
That the world is quite unfair
Why'd I end up with a woman
Far too fat to climb the stairs?
There's other blokes got pissed last night
And woke up with a stunner
But I had to take my whaling-gun
And catch a forty-tonner
Is the world just out to get me
Or is this in a higher cause?
Is it punishment for younger times
With drink and drugs and whores?
I hope she wakes up pretty soon
My arms are going blue
And the twenty drinks I had last night
Are calling to the loo,
Plus she smells like last weeks laundry
Marinated in some sick
And I think I'll have to vomit
If she don't get of me quick,
Oh why'd I have to get so drunk?
Why did I pull this slapper?
She's the size of twenty herds of cows -
A car-crush couldn't snap her!
It's so unfair it's so not right!
To end up with this biffer
When I all ever wanted
Was a Hurley or a Schiffer.