The League of IF

The League of IF

I was glad to be there. I'm just glad to be anywhere, to be honest, but
it was especially nice to be there. Shame you couldn't come, but I can
fill you in on what happened (not that I saw everything of course,
because I was peeking out from under the bed.)

The Albert Hall - what a venue for the Third Annual meeting of the
League. Very impressive. I have to say that the President continues to
astound me. I know that in his youth, he fought off twenty pirates in
his back garden, whilst badly wounded, but still - his daring and
courage is an example to us all. To get all two hundred of us in there
- marvellous.

He gave the usual rousing speech before introducing the guest speaker.
Get this Freddy, the guest speaker was a real live boy!

No, I mean it.

His name was Tony, very quiet fellow, even by my own standards. His
voice was so quiet when he began talking that I had to crawl out from
under the bed to hear him, though I kept my legs and feet underneath,
just to be safe. (Sometimes the monsters can be quite cunning)

Tony had an interesting story, which I will tell you about now. He had
always been a quiet boy, sad and lonely. He had bright ginger hair and
lively freckles and nobody really wanted to have much to do with him.
He couldn't play football and he wouldn't eat crisps. Every day he went
to school and tried to join in, but nobody would have it. He tried to
make himself like crisps, thinking that he would look less unusual if
he ate them at playtime, when everyone else did, but he could never
manage it. Even a small taste of a ready salted crisp, the most feeble
of all the flavours, would make him burst into tears.

This was touching a cord with all the League's audience. We've all
known boys and girls similar to this, but Tony was a particularly bad
case. (I even peeked at Godfather Clock and I'm sure that he had a tear
in his eye, but he caught me looking and I had to hide again)

I'm sure you know what's coming. Tony was so lonely that he created his
own friend, a pretend friend called Jacko. Jacko was everything Tony
wasn't. Brave, good at everything, funny, popular. There wasn't
anything that Jacko couldn't do.

At first, Tony's parents were a bit wary of Jacko. They would have been
happier if Tony had made some proper friends, instead of spending all
his time with Jacko. But, if you ask me, it's their own fault for
cursing their son with freckles, bright red hair and an inability to
play football - what did they expect him to do ?

Anyways, they eventually got to putting up with Jacko, accepting that
he would want a place at the table and his own biscuit at bedtimes.
Every now and then, Tony would pretend to BE Jacko. He would speak in a
slightly different voice, much more confident and at ease. Tony's
parents felt a bit funny about this, but Tony was much better company
when he was pretending to be Jacko.

Sometimes Tony sent Jacko to school instead of him. Jacko could play
football, he could fight, he knew all about the cool music and
television programmes, he could make people laugh. It was much easier
for Tony to stay at home being the pretend one, while Jacko took his
place at school.

It wasn't long before Jacko was spending more and more time at school
and with the family, while Tony stayed in his bedroom, being quiet and
not being so sad anymore. People got used to calling him Jacko, just
accepting that being called that seemed to make him happier.

Get this Freddy, after a few months of this, Tony talked to Jacko. He
thanked Jacko for making him some friends at school and making his
parents proud of him (scoring a goal in the cup, having his work in the
school magazine, helping out round the house) and Tony told Jacko that
he felt better now, that he was ready to be Tony again.

Jacko said no. Jacko said he was enjoying being real and didn't want to
go back to being an imaginary friend. Jacko said you can't make
me.

And he was right, Tony couldn't. Tony went downstairs in tears to see
his parents, to tell them he was sorry he'd let Jacko pretend to be him
and could he come back, but they didn't hear a word he said. They
didn't see him.

No matter how loud he shouted, even when he picked things up and
smashed them, Tony's parents paid him no attention. When Jacko came
into the room, Jacko could see Tony and winked at him. Tony watched as
Jacko sat with Tony's mum and dad and watched as they all got on as a
family, it was obvious that they liked new, fun, good-at-things Jacko
better than they had ever liked old dull Tony.

That night, Jacko came to Tony and told him, I don't need you anymore.
I don't want you around. We're not friends anymore. I've got my own
friends now and I don't want you.

Tony's imaginary friend had rejected him.

So, Tony left home. Poor Tony had wandered around in the world for
ages, nobody being able to see him. He could touch things and move
things, just as we all can in the League, but no real person could see
or hear him. Tony had to feed himself by stealing from shops. He read
newspapers and books, he crept into houses while the door was open and
slept on sofas, on spare beds, kept warm and watched television while
real people were out.

And although many years passed, Tony never stopped looking as though he
was eleven. He could see himself in mirrors and shop windows, although
nobody else could. He was imaginary now.

Tony read newspapers, Tony watched television. As years passed, he saw
Jacko in the newspapers and on television. Jacko became a footballer,
Jacko got to play for Tottenham. Jacko once played for England.

Tony watched him and grew more and more bitter. Tony watched Jacko
become famous, watched him grow up in a way that Tony wasn't able to.
Tony stayed eleven, while Jacko grew up and married a pop star.

It wasn't until he bumped into a young girl one day who said sorry,
that Tony realised he was not alone. She could see him. She spoke to
him. That girl was Helpful Jayne and she told him all about the League
of Imaginary Friends. She went to see the President and told him all
about Tony's story.

After he finished telling us the story, Tony said I want to be Tony. I
don't want Jacko to be me anymore. The President came on and said I
think Tony's story will have given us all a lot to think about. The
President said, let's have some refreshments.

I couldn't get my bed over to the refreshment stand, so I just watched
everyone else from underneath, until Helpful Jayne bought me a glass of
cold milk and two custard creams. She is such a love.

Tony came to sit on my bed and I think he was quite surprised when I
popped my head out from underneath to say hello. You know I don't
usually let anyone sit on the bed, but I liked this boy.

He asked me why I was under the bed and I told him that I was there to
make sure there were no monsters, that I was the Boy-Under-The-Bed to
keep Charlie Morgan safe from monsters. Then I remembered that Charlie
Morgan had been gone an awful long time and it made me sad.

Tony asked me how it was that we imaginary friends had a life after the
person who imagined us had grown up.

I started to explain it, but then Alice Knows came over, as you know I
have never liked her, but there is nobody better for explaining things.
So she came over, with her long straight hair and told Tony all about
imaginary friends. She told him how when all that energy is invested in
creating an imaginary friend, when so much heart goes into it, that the
imaginary friend can keep going for years after they are needed. Even
when the child who created us no longer needs an imaginary friend, we
are still here, waiting. Every time they remember us, or think of us,
we get a little bit stronger.

She did explain it well, but she is just soooo bossy. Mister Scissors
came over as well. I wouldn't like to meet his old friend Freddy - what
kind of child wants to have an imaginary friend that would frighten
them ?

Alice explained that some people still talk to their old imaginary
friends - when they are on their own, they keep it secret. Mister
Scissors said that his friend still talks to him, when they are very
cross with someone, and Mister Scissors makes it all better. I hid
under the bed while he was saying this. When the real people talk to
their old friends, the League can ask the real people to do things to
help the League.

Help them do what Tony asked. What do the League want real people to
do? Alice changed the subject then. She told him that she had swopped
with her real friend once or twice, when there were school tests. I
once got a hundred and forty percent in a test, she said, I answered
all of the questions and then I made up some new questions and answered
them too. Then I went home and my real person swopped back. If I had
known I didn't have to swop back, I never would have, said Alice
Knows.

Tony said are you going to help me, is the League of Imaginary Friends
going to help me be real again? I had to laugh a little and I spilt
some of my milk, but it was under the bed and nobody did see.

Oh no, said Alice, the League of Imaginary Friends is pleased that one
of us got to be real. That's what we all want, to be real. The
President is very pleased that one of us did it, now we know that we
can do it. We get more powerful every time one of our real friends
remembers us, so the President has got people to make television
programmes that remind real people about being children.

The President, said Alice Knows, has got computers and he knows the
addresses of all the old real friends. We are going to trick them into
swopping with us. And this time, said Alice, we aren't going to swop
back.

She was right, the President did have addresses. I am going to be
visiting Charlie Morgan. There are still monsters under his bed and he
still needs me.

See you in the real world

Boy-Under-The-Bed

"You shot your imaginary friends ? How ? "

"With an imaginary gun, of course. "

Grant Morrison.