V = "This is why you should never use perfume"

"This is why you should never use perfume"

Found in The Times Personal Column by someone with not enough to do
with their time.

Dec 9th

A Friend - Your words fascinated me, as did your fragrance. A hint of
apples, perhaps sherbet. I must hear more from you, soon I hope! The
Victim

Dec 12th

Victim - fear you have misread the situation. The letter I sent was a
business proposal, in your interest to act on. Ignore fragrance,
examine photographs I enclosed... Please respond, or I will take the
action hinted at. A Friend

Dec 19th

A Friend - have had to read your original letter again. What it says is
of no consequence. What you leave unsaid makes me shiver with
possibilities. Your feelings are plain. I know that you feel the same
as I, or else why spend so much time photographing me? A Victim

Jan 4th

Victim - I am tiring of your games. My interest purely professional. Do
I have to go public ? You know the steps I want you to take. A
Friend

Jan 10th

A Friend - how you do tease. And a fine hand with the scissors as well,
very neat edges. I do adore precision. I sleep with that newsprint
letter on my pillow. How I wish it was your handwriting. I would study
graphology to get to know the real you, to embrace you through your
loops and flourishes. Dinner ? A Willing Victim

Jan 18th

Victim - What is wrong with you? We are supposed to be arranging an
exchange. My silence in exchange for&;#8230; well, read the letter
again. Let's get moving. And this is a no to dinner, lest you
misunderstand further. A Friend

Jan 22nd

A Friend - it isn't the Times from whence you prettily snip your
letters. I have made a study. I have unpeeled a word or two, to study
the back and your original missive is from Horse and Hound. I am more
in love than ever. But your heady fragrance is fading, please write
again. This dance of ours is delicious pain, but I want more. I want to
know that your delicate fingers have pressed the words onto paper. I
want your DNA on the envelope gum, not to hand you over, but to peer
through a microscope at your very essence. The Victim

Jan 28th

Victim - are you paying for this by the word? It would have been
cheaper to meet my demands. A Friend

Feb 3rd

A Friend - how much longer must me remain just friends, mere
bargainers? Your threats to expose do not concern me. I am minded to do
more and more dreadful things, to give you more material, to tempt you
further. I cannot help the way I feel. You have consumed me, and I must
know who you are. Do you like ballet? I have an additional ticket. Your
Victim Always.

Feb 12th

Victim - this is why you should never use perfume when writing a
blackmail note. Will meet you for drinks before the show. Expect a
fragranced note with venue and time. Friend, or maybe more?