Mr Smith

The first time I met Mr Smith it was at my own wedding reception.
One of the brides family introduced us.

'Congratulations.' He said giving me a slap on the back. 'Terribly
sorry to gatecrash your wedding but I just happened to be in the pub
and wondered if your new brother in law here required my
services.'

I asked him what he meant by services.

'Everything.' He said. 'Anything and everything but nothing you'll be
needing, not on a day like this'

I asked him what he was selling.

'Remedies my dear sir. I am selling remedies for life. What, just for
instance, would be the one thing that would change your life for the
better? It can be anything?'

I asked him if he was selling drugs.

'Drugs if drugs is what you want my friend, I am not concerned by any
law in the service I provide. But drugs is barely scratching the
surface of what I can do for you. I can, just for example, get you a
better job. How do you like your current job? Does it still keep you
interested? Does it pay well? Are the prospects hopeful? Is the outlook
rosy?'

I told him my job was just fine.

'Then I shall get right out of your hair and leave you to running your
own life without my expert assistance. But here take my card, call me
any time, any time at all, I'm always on the job and I can always
help.'

The card, and by the time I looked up its owner had departed, had the
words 'Mr Smith' in large bold type across the centre and in small type
underneath that a Crouch End address and associated phone number.

'Who was that?' Asked Jane, my new wife.

'Mr Smith.' I said, showing her the card. 'I think he's from a
recruitment firm. Very strange man.'

'Well keep the card.' She said. 'It might turn out useful one
day.'

I put the card in my wallet.

*****

By the time I returned from the honeymoon I was unemployed.

The company had gone bankrupt, I literally turned up for work on Monday
morning to find a notice pinned to the door. So that afternoon, whilst
busy updating my CV, I remembered Mr Smith's card and called him
up.

'Of course I remember you dear boy.' He said. 'What can I do for you?
What would you like me to change?'

I told him that I was on unexpectedly on the job market.

'A job it is after all.' He said. 'That is no problem at all. I can get
a man of your talents a job like that.' I heard him snap his fingers.
'Why don't you pop over to the office and we will discuss your needs a
little further. Come any time, I am always free and now, so are you.
Pop along this afternoon why don't you.'

The office was above a laundrette, the door had Mr Smith stencilled
onto the frosted glass through which I saw him come bounding down the
stairs three or four at a time the second I rang the bell. He shook my
hand vigorously and asked me a torrent of questions as I followed him
upstairs.

'Did you find the place okay?' Yes.

'How was the traffic?' Fine.

'Did you manage to park okay?' Yes.

'How was the honeymoon?' Very nice.

'So the company went bankrupt?' Yes.

'That must have been a nasty surprise?' You bet.

'Bank call in the overdraft did it?' It seems so.

'I bet you never even knew the place was in any trouble.' They never
told us a thing.

'Bloody banks eh?' Absolutely.

The office, was small, bare and clean. Two chairs were placed either
side of an empty desk. Mr Smith sat on one and motioned me to the
other.

'So.' He said, slapping his fingers on the edge of the desk. 'What
would you like?'

I said. 'Something in graphic design.'

'Something in graphic design.' He said leaning back in his chair with a
creak and interlocked his fingers behind his head. 'I do not think you
really understand the full extent of what I can do for you Mr
Lewis.'

'How do you mean?'

'You could get another job in graphic design without my help, it barely
seems worthwhile me exercising my considerable expertise to get you a
job which up to this morning you had anyway.'

'But I am a graphic designer.'

'No Mr Lewis. Yesterday you were a graphic designer, this afternoon you
are a job seeker. However I have every confidence that if you put in
the effort you will be a graphic designer again by the end of the
month. You must already have some ideas, am I right.'

'Jane's father said he might have something in web design.'

'Then if that is what you want I suggest that is what do. Go home Mr
Lewis, go be a web designer for your father in law. It would be a waste
of my time to put you back in the same situation you were in the day
before and completely not worth the price.' He stood up and opened the
door for me. 'In fact I refuse to do it.'

'The price?' I asked, standing up.

'Mr Lewis.' Said Mr Smith, closing the door again. 'I offer a
completely unique service, I do not just provide jobs, or anything
else, I change lives. I could make you a graphic designer if that is
really what you want but I could also make you a rock star, a movie
star, the head of a multinational food conglomerate, the president or
king of the country of your choice. I can make you the first man on
Mars if that is your dream. I can make you Cindy Crawford's husband.
Or,' he said with a sideways look, 'her lover. I can give you drugs,
money, power or people. I can give you any and all of these things and
anything you can dream. But the price, as does not seem unreasonable,
is high.'

'What is it?' I said.

'Your immortal soul.' He said.

'You're having me on.'

He walked back behind his desk and removed a blank contract from the
draw and laid it on the table. 'We specify what you get here.' He said,
pointing. 'You sign here, I sign here and in six years, six months and
six days of me completely fulfilling my side of the bargain, I
collect.'

As you might expect, I walked out.

*****

The marriage lasted two and a half years.

Things were already in bad shape when Jane caught me with the
babysitter, she had miscarried a second pregnancy and was not very
attentive to either our son or me, the seventeen year old girl next
door had been filling for her in on both counts.

One night I met Mr Smith in the pub.

At the time I was embroiled in a court case trying to get custody of
the boy, it was a long and expensive process that was succeeding only
in devouring my savings. I had to leave my job with her father of
course and right at the time when the bottom dropped out of the whole
internet thing. I got work as a stock controller for a large
electronics firm which I hated and did not pay much, especially after
child support. I was living in a tiny flat and drinking far too
much.

'Hello Mr Lewis.' He said sitting down next to me unbidden. 'How's
every little thing.'

I still thought often of our meeting at the wedding, Jane's brother's
band that had been having a lot of success lately. It troubled me, the
sort of thing that plays on your mind when you lay awake at
night.

'Fine.' I said.

'And dare I ask how is the lovely Jane?'

I looked at him. 'You know don't you?'

'I have to admit I read about the divorce in the paper, a terrible
business, I was so sorry. All that sordid business concerning the
babysitter got a lot of copy I'm afraid. A sex scandal does rather
attract the flies. You know I can help you out there as in any other
area.'

'Are you still peddling that rubbish.'

'It is not rubbish Mr Lewis.'

'And have you ever got anyone to believe you.'

'That is the beauty of it, you do not have to believe it, I take
nothing until I have delivered. But rest assured I never let anyone
sign unless they are completely serious, anything else would be
unethical.'

I told him I did not want his help and went home. That night I found
his business card, and burnt it

*****

About six months later I ran into the babysitters father in the pub and
he gave me a piece of his mind, in the car park, with the help of three
other guys. I sat there, bleeding in the rain and examining my injuries
when Mr Smith walked past.

It had been a bad day all round. I had lost the stock controller job
that morning because of near constant sickness, a nervous disorder
brought on by stress the doctors said, and it looked as if I would not
be able to make rent that month, and I had a letter yet another from
the child support agency.

'Mr Lewis.' He said. 'How are you? I expected to hear from you any day
after our last meeting but when I did not I hoped that things had
looked up for you.'

'Oh yeah.' I said through a bloody nose. 'Things are just great.'

'Oh dear.' He said helping me up. 'They have not have they? Is there
anything I can do, do you want me to call an ambulance, the
police.'

I shook my head.

'My dear friend. Why don't you let me help. I can give you anything you
want. I may be the only person that can. I am certainly the only person
that will. All you have to do is ask.'

I thought about it then. I thought about it very seriously indeed. I
used to see pictures of Jane's brother on magazine covers. I thought
about what I might ask for, to be rich, to be successful, to be doing a
rewarding job and sleeping with a beautiful woman, to not be worrying
about money and to not be so damn desperate for a drink all the time.
But I thought too of the price, and the time limit, and I said
no.

With conviction.

It was not worth the price.

*****

That night I met her for the first time.

On my way home I ran into Doug Brown, an old school friend I had not
seen for years, he was leaving a different pub just as I was walking
past, he insisted I go back with him and clean up, I did not protest
for long. He told me he was living with a girl called Anna, he said to
be quiet in case she was asleep. She was not.

'You said you'd be home an hour ago.' She shouted as we walked in. 'And
who is this.'

'Anna this is Paul Lewis, an old school friend.'

I said 'Hi.' Meekly.

'Look at the state of you both.' She complained. 'What the hell did you
do.'

'Lewis got mugged.'

I thought better of correcting him.

'Oh.' Her attitude spun on a dime. 'You poor thing. Come here, let's
get you cleaned up.'

I was ushered upstairs to a bathroom where she sat me on the edge of
the tub, washed the blood off my face and dabbed a few cuts with
antiseptic, chiding me for being a baby whenever I winced.

I said. "Sorry to mess up your evening."

'There.' She said. 'You'll be fine.'

The pair of them sat me down between them on the sofa, fed me hot tea
with brandy in it and listened while I spun the whole sorry tale. Well,
most of the sorry tale, with the bits about the babysitter played down
and no mention whatsoever of her father. Afterwards I caught up with
Doug's life, he had done very well for himself since leaving school, he
was a very successful and sought after draughtsman, it was similar
enough to my old job to give me a pang of jealousy.

That night they let me sleep on the sofa. The following morning, after
Doug had gone to work, Anna made me breakfast.

'I've was thinking last night, I might know a job that would suit
you.'

'Oh yes.'

'A friend of mine runs a small company making those little china
ornamental animals.'

'What, like little cats and dogs wearing clothes and stuff?'

'Yes, those tatty things that old people buy, I think she might be
looking for someone to do packaging. Probably only part time.'

I was smitten with Anna. Oh I hid it well but I had it bad, real bad,
from the moment we met and getting worse every second I was with her. I
thought about little else for weeks. There was a job and I took it, it
paid very little but I could work the illness around it. After my first
day I went round to thank her and was annoyed to find Doug there as
well, working from home, I had taken flowers. As I left she kissed him
on the cheek. It hurt, serious physical pain. Oh I had it bad and it
hit me harder than that babysitter's father, but like him, right in the
gut.

The three of us became friends and it was killing me. I drank too much,
it was becoming a problem at the new job but I did not care, my whole
life started to revolve around Anna. If I could have got away I could
have let her go but she was always there, in reach, like heroin to an
addict, and I could not let go. I imagined what would happen when she
and Doug split up, how I would be there to step in to the breach. Not
the idle fantasies of a dreamer but serious and well laid plans. I
would be there as a friend, as a shoulder to cry on. I would be the one
she would turn to when it finally happened.

Only it did not happen, they got engaged. We went to the pub to
celebrate, she was so happy. I was not. I was obsessed, I was aching
for her, I went round when I knew for sure Doug was out. We had a few
drinks and I told her I loved her. Put my arm round her.

'Was that a pass?' She said.

'Kind of.'

'Oh Paul. You're a lovely guy but I love Doug, I really do love him.' I
could she that she did.

I smiled sheepishly.

'Oh you poor thing.' She said.

'I'll survive.'

I did not. Cold turkey would not work, I hungered for her, I burned, I
yearned. I took to walking past their house at night, sneaking into the
garden and watching her through the window. It was just enough to feed
my mania without sating it, it was a compulsive habit, I went back
night after night.

They complained of a stalker but I did not quit. A neighbour saw me.
The police grabbed me as I was leaving.

*****

You get one phone call of course, above the phone are pinned business
cards from law firms. Amongst them, almost obscured, was one that just
read Mr Smith. I rang the number.

He arrived the following morning and talked to me in a small interview
room.

'Oh dear Mr Lewis.' He said. 'I would never have thought of you as a
dangerous prowler. Now you realise I am not a lawyer, I cannot aid you
in that capacity. The service I offer is all encompassing but I only
offer the one.'

'I want that service.'

'I hoped you might, may I ask you what changed your mind. You seemed so
convinced before, and you were clearly at your lowest ebb back then. I
had given you up as a lost cause'

'I found something I want.'

'Is that all. Whatever it does not matter now. I have the necessary
documentation on me so we can proceed immediately if you choose to. No
time like the present and all that.' He got out a blank contract from a
briefcase full of them and readied a pen with a click. 'What is it you
would like.'

'I want to be Doug Brown.'

'My but that an unusual request.'

'I want his life.'

'You want his life?'

'I want his life, I want his job, his house, his car, his friends. I
want every single aspect of his life and most of all I want his fianc?
and I want her to love me as she loves him, more so, I want her to love
me as I love her.'

'Which is very much indeed I can tell. And do you understand what I
will take in return? In six years, six months and six days from this
wish being fulfilled your soul will pass into my possession. There is
no way you can escape this contract.'

'I understand.'

'And there is clearly no need to ask if you are serious.'

'Life as myself has no value.'

'Then I will write what you said.' He spoke slowly as he wrote. 'You
will become Doug Brown. You will receive Doug Brown's life and all
facets of Doug Brown's life. Including but not limited to ownership of
his car, his job, his own peculiar talent for his job, his friends and
his fianc? Miss Anna Grant. Miss Anna grant will love you as much as
you love her now and will continue to do so.' He stopped writing. 'Is
that all.'

'Is his job secure.'

'Yes.'

'Does he enjoy it.'

'Very much.'

'Will I cease to be an alcoholic.'

'You will loose the addiction since he does not suffer from it, neither
does he suffer from your nervous illness.'

'Then that is all.'

Mr Smith signed the contract and passed it to me along with the pen and
said. 'Then read it through and sign at the bottom.'

I read it carefully, it was exactly as he had said.

'I hope you're doing the right thing Mr Lewis.' He said.

'She's worth it.' I said.

'She certainly seems popular.'

I signed the contract.

*****

The last time I met Mr Smith was a few hours later that morning. Anna
had woken me because she was still nervous about the prowler that the
police had arrested last night. I comforted her and told her again that
he was gone now, we made love. Whilst I was preparing breakfast the
doorbell rang. It was Mr Smith. He was holding the contract.

'Hello Mr Brown.' He said. 'Just wanted to check everything was
okay.'

'I'm still getting used to the name.' I said. 'But everything else is
perfect. I cannot thank you enough'

'I'm glad.' He said smiling broadly, 'I do love to see a satisfied
customer. There is however a small matter regarding payment of this
contract.'

I said. 'I will worry about that in six and a half years time.'

'Oh this is not Mr Lewis' contract.' He said, unfurling it and showing
it to me. 'This is Mr Brown's.'