doing my bit

SCENE 1. INT. NIGHT

JIM ( A COCKNEY) IS GETTING READY FOR THE LIVERPOOL V AC MILAN CHAMPOINS LEAGUE FINAL

JIM: (To himself) Now come on lads. This is just another day at the office, nothing to worry about. We need to work as a unit and we'll be fi-

F/X: FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

DEBS: There you go love

F/X: SOUND OF BEER CAN PLACED ON TABLE

DEBS: hay, you'd better get the telly on, it started half an hour ago!

JIM: (patiently) Look, love. I appreciate you trying to get involved but you've no idea what you're talking about. (clears throat) Firstly- it hasn't even kicked off yet, that's in (BEAT) a minute and forty-eight seconds.

DEBS: but-

JIM: (interrupting) the TV coverage started a while ago but there's always half an hour of PMA bef-

DEBS: wha-

JIM: (interrupting again) 'pre match analysis'- which it's not only unlucky for me to watch when we play away, but it's not on the Beeb anyway so luck doesn't come into it. Secondly I never watch the..err¦

DEBS: PMA?

JIM: (to self) a minute and thirty (louder) what? Err yeah- no, I've just said that. It's bad luck to see even the first kick of the game- because?

DEBS: (huge sigh) England ' Argentina. Beckham penalty, you were having a pee when it kicked off.

JIM: Correct.

F/X: SOUND OF CAN BEING OPENED

JIM: And secondly-

DEBS: Thirdly

JIM: oh yeah (BEAT), (to self again, quietly as if singing with the crowd) ¦with hope in your heart. (louder) Sorry, thirdly (BEAT) argh!

DEBS: What?

JIM: (panicked) thirdly I can't open my first can until I see the ref. And I have to go to the fridge for them myself! (flustered) oh..

F/X: SOUND OF TIN SCRAPING

JIM: There, looks alright to me and it never touched my lips. Just get it back in the fridge and it won't count. (BEAT) come on!! There's less than a minute to kick off!!

DEBS: (loudly and slowly as if to an old foreigner) THEY CAN'T SEE YOU! You do know that? I mean all this superstitious rubbish. It's pointless. It's all in your head
love.

F/X: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY

JIM: (calling after her) of course, I'm not stupid, I'm a grown man for crying out loud! (PAUSE)

F/X: FOOTSTEPS RETURNING

JIM: Shake a leg darlin' the whistle's gonna blow any second now and I need to do the checklist before I put the telly on!

DEBS: (Pause, huge sigh, she is resigned to her fate) alright. Scarf?

JIM: LUCKY scarf, as worn when we last conquered Europe in '84 and Bruce-

DEBS: I KNOW! Can we please skip the history lessons?

JIM: fair enough love, go on.

DEBS: (weary) lucky shirt

JIM: (under his breath) as signed by Sammy Lee. (normal) check!

DEBS: Lucky underpants?

JIM: None! No such thing, it's a marketing scam!

DEBS: Any underpants?

JIM: (coughs) move on love, it's about to start.

DEBS: shouldn't you be having a pee then?

JIM: Only works for England games- this is Liverpool.

DEBS: Well it looks like you're all set.

JIM: Right then, we can't lose! Everything's perfect and, just to prove it, I should have just missed the first kick of the game by..(PAUSE) ¦ by..

F/X: CLICK

JIM: Now!

F/X: BACKGROUND NOISE OF FOOTBALL COMING ON THE TV

JIM: Perfect! Come on lads! (BEAT) ¦and there's the Spanish ref so I can (deliberately) GO AND GET MY FIRST BEER now.

F/X: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS GOING AWAY

JIM: (OFF) I'm telling you Babe, with my help we can't lose tonight. I've got everything covered at this end so nothing can go wrong. I've completely eliminated the element of chance. (deliberately again) I'LL JUST OPEN THIS ONE IN HERE. (makes a fizzing noise with his mouth to imitate a can opening)

F/X: FOOTSTEPS RETURNING

JIM: (singing with a strong cockney accent and swigging his beer) When you walk-ah¦ fru a storrrrrm-ah

F/X: SOUND OF CROWD NOISE AND INTELLIGIBLE COMMENTRY GETTING EXCITED ON THE TV

JIM: a- hold your 'eaaaad, up- (BEAT)

F/X: CROWD IS NOISY, COMMENTATOR CAN BE HEARD TO SHOUT "MALDINI BEFORE IT FADES BACK

DEBS: whoops!

FADE SOUND OF TV OUT

SCENE 2. INT NIGHT

FADE UP SOUND OF BACKGROUND TV NOISE

F/X: FOOTSTEPS ENTER

DEBS: How's it going Superfan?

JIM: (tense) This is more like it! It looks like I've salvaged the situation. 35 minutes gone now and still one nil.

DEBS: Right¦ err doesn't that mean you're still losing?

JIM: (snaps at her) Yeah, well done love. Thanks for pointing that out. Where WOULD we be without you?

DEBS: We?

JIM: Me and the other players.

DEBS: OTHER players? Jim, you're not actually playing love.

JIM: Oh, really? Well explain this to me then. How come we still haven't conceded even though they're all over us?

DEBS: I'd guess it's because F.C Milan haven't scored again?¦ or is that too obvious.

JIM: (biting lip in mild anger) it's 'AC' Milan love and yes, that IS too obvious. We've been keeping them at bay with a subtle combination of hard work and skill, actually, and I think it's beginning to pay off. Things are turning our way. We've finally brought Smicer on in place of that whinging tourist from down under. AND they've just had an entire goal disallowed!

DEBS: Wow, an entire goal? What normally happens? Do they usually just shave a bit off a goal and leave the score at 1.6 to nil?

JIM: Don't think you're gonna wind me up 'coz you can't. My force is too strong.

DEBS: Oh, I've heard it all now! Force?

JIM: Well¦ for want of a better word, yeah. Bad luck's always lurking, ready to strike, you've really got to keep your eye on the ball. (enthusiastically) I've arranged my empty cans properly and always had one on the go so I'm never caught without. I've sat with my legs crossed when they've got the ball and I think I may have found a new one because I was scratching myself when Smicer came on and guess what? He had no boots on! When was the last time you saw that in a match? It's gotta mean something, right? Then I was just sitting¦ 'cupping' as it were, when their goal was disallowed!

DEBS: Love, please don't tell me you actually believe you can influence 22 men in a different country by holding your todger!

JIM: It's 28 men if you count the four officials and the managers- and I haven't even started on the subs! Any one of them could change history forever and no, actually clever clogs, I don't think that holding my privates is going to make a blind bit of difference¦ it's 'cupping' combined with scratching but it's still in the experimental stages really.

DEBS: Right, I'm actually starting to get worried about you now

JIM: Don't be, I'm fine. Like I said, I'm in control and I reckon if I can steer us through to half time without conceding then we could be in with a chance in the second half. I just need to concentrate.

DEBS: (wary) Well, ok I suppose. I mean you don't actually believe all this do you? (laughs weakly) it's just a bit of fun right? (LONG PAUSE) right, well I'll leave you to it then (BEAT) good luck

JIM: (concentrating on the game) Don't need it now love but thanks anyway

F/X: FOOTSTEPS TIPTOE AWAY

JIM: Oh don't let the cat in will you?

DEBS: (OFF) What? Why?

JIM: (Like it's obvious) He's white love! Cats are luck magnets as it is and I can't afford to have one walking about when this match is on wearing the opposition's colours.

DEBS: (OFF) Right! That's it!

F/X: SOUND OF FRIDGE DOOR OPENING AND SHUTTING AND A CAT MIAOWING. FOOTSTEPS ENTER

DEBS: Right Jim. I think you're taking this superstition nonsense too far so I'm going to prove you wrong!

JIM: Can we do this later love? There's only seven minutes to half time!

DEBS: (determined) Jim, I've got the cat and I'm not afraid to use it!

JIM: For crying out loud Debs! Get rid of it! Can't you see its¦ whiteness? It looks like the Milan mascot in my own house!

DEBS: IT'S A WHITE CAT JIM!!!!

F/X: CAT BEING PUT DOWN¦ (ON THE FLOOR)

DEBS: Right! You leave me no option. I'm going to open one of your beers.

JIM: Baby NO! You don't know what you're messing with!

DEBS: (furious) I'm not messing with anything Jim! This is all total rubbish!

F/X: SOUND OF CAN BEING OPENED AND A SWIG BEING TAKEN

DEBS: Come on Lady luck, do your worst!. Milano! Milano! Milano! Mila-

F/X: TV NOISE IN BACKGROUND RISES TO A CRESCENDO AND WE CAN MAKE OUT THAT CRESPO HAS MADE IT 2 - 0 TO MILAN.

DEBS: whoops!¦ err

JIM: (Running into distance) NOOOOOOoooooooooo!

FADE OUT

SCENE 3. INT. NIGHT

DEBS: (deliberately and wearily) it¦ was¦ a¦coincidence!

JIM: (from other side of a door) IT?

DEBS: (BEAT) alright THEY! They were a coinci¦ were some coincidences! It just goes to prove my point

F/X: SOUND OF DOOR OPENING

JIM: (incredibly angry) Under no circumstances are you to ever prove any points again! (BEAT) It was bad enough that I'd managed to keep them at bay for nearly the entire half! It was bad enough that you decided to just GIFT them¦THEM- a goal with that stupid act of sabotage! But then¦ THEN. Just to prove a point, just to show it was one of your harmless coincidences you did it again!!!! I've never seen anything like it! Two goals in five minutes!

DEBS: coincidence!!!

JIM: (ignoring her) it was bad the first time but¦(almost crying with the pain of the memory) ordering a pizza! How could you! How could you be so cruel? We were down, we were beat, but you had to stick your salami shaped boot in didn't you!

DEBS: I don't have any salami shaped-

JIM: WE should have had a penalty! It should have been OUR GOAL! That was our chance to pull one back! That was it! And that was the precise moment- the PRECISE moment you decided to get on the phone to Milano Express! (BEAT) TALK ABOUT USING THE FORCE!

F/X: DOOR CLOSES AGAIN

DEBS: (groans) (yoda voice) Had enough of this have I.

F/X: SOUND OF BUZZING FROM OTHER SIDE OF CLOSED DOOR

DEBS: Jim? (BEAT) Jim, love? (BEAT) Jim what are you doing in there? (PAUSE)

F/X: THE BUZZING STOPS AND STARTS A FEW TIMES THEN STOPS ALTOGETHER

DEBS: Jim!

JIM: (through closed door) Right, I'm coming out now love, don't be shocked.

DEBS: (nervous) shocked? Shocked by what?

JIM: I've done what I had to do

DEBS: This isn't funny anymore! You're freaking me out!

JIM: I need to go back to that night in '84 when we beat Roma and Bruce did the-

DEBS: (interrupting) did the dancing on the line for the penalties, yes you've mentioned it thousands of times but that was twenty years ago love.

JIM: Not any more!

F/X: DOOR OPENING

DEBS: (BEAT) oh my¦ have you lost your mind!!!!

JIM: Makes perfect sense to me. I was 14 back then¦ I didn't have a beard.

DEBS: (still shocked) the beard I can live without but..

JIM: (embarrassed) I remember going to the hairdressers on the day of the match to get it done

DEBS: but it looks..

JIM: It was 1984 remember! It was all the rage back then¦ I WAS 14!!! (BEAT) Obviously I can't grow the fringe over one eye because there's just no time, but I managed to shave all this side pretty accurately with one hand.

DEBS: but- one hand?

JIM: (depressed) Still cupping. (BEAT) We're three nil down love!!! Don't you get it? We need a miracle!

DEBS: You need help Jim, not a miracle.

JIM: Brilliant idea! Why didn't I think of that?

DEBS: What?

JIM: Help! The Beatles! Let's have them playing for the second half! Come on!

DEBS: Stop! (BEAT) (VERY ANGRY) Just stop!!

JIM: What?

DEBS: What? Look at the state of you!

JIM: This isn't about how I look love, (BEAT) It's about recreating how I watched the last final we were in. It worked then, it can work now! I have to do something, this is my team! (crying almost now) You don't know what it's been like to suffer the near misses of the last twenty one years. Every year's been 'the year' for us but every year we end up chasing the pack and every year the dreams are washed a little bit more from the streets of Merseyside. I know I'll never shout for 'Kenny' from the kop again¦ and Crazy Horse is gone forever but I've never lost that Kop spirit! I've never given up on the mighty reds and, well tonight's the first time in a very long time. (weary) I'm just trying to do my bit. It's what Liverpool fans do¦ we're the twelfth man!

DEBS: (pause) Look, I know this is a bad time to say this but I feel almost duty bound to remind you that you're from Staines and you've never been to a game in your life.

JIM: (hurt) ooh you can be a cold woman sometimes!

DEBS: I know my love but that's what you married and that's what you need right now. (BEAT) look at me Jim. I'm the woman who loves you- here in the real world where shaving your beard and half your hair off and¦ what's the red stripe for?

JIM: (almost mumbling, embarrassed) it was white in '84¦ Adam Ant, you know. I didn't want to risk using white and I could only find this in red.

DEBS: You know that's nail varnish don't you? (laughs) (BEAT) Newsflash darling: Your team are beaten, it happens, get over it and pull yourself together.

JIM: (big sigh)I know¦ I just thought¦ maybe¦ no, you're right.

F/X: DOOR BELL FROM DOWNSTAIRS

DEBS: That'll be the pizza (BEAT) now you go in there and shave the other half of your head, Tonto, then meet me downstairs for pizza and a movie.

JIM: but-

DEBS: No love. I'm not letting you suffer any more. There will be no second half. Agreed?

JIM: (PAUSE) alright, agreed. Shake on it?

DEBS: maybe after you've washed your hands eh?

F/X: FOOTSTEPS ON THE STAIRS. FADE OUT

PAUSE

F/X: SOUND OF COMMENTRY AFTER THE GAME LIVERPOOL HAVE COME BACK AND WON ON PENALTIES.

COMMENTATOR: What a miraculous comeback by Liverpool to win on penalties! At the end you could almost believe it was 1984 again- we even had dancing on the goal line! Nobody will ever know for sure what turned this game around but somebody, somewhere was certainly doing their bit.

END: