Dear John

Dear John,

I'm sorry, I didn't want to do it this way but
there's something I've been trying to say for some time now.
It's something everybody knows so,
here goes.

You're having an affair.

Looking back, the signs have been there for a while,
but you weren't sure how to tell me.

So, I thought I'd help.

I've packed your bags, You're leaving me
I flushed the fags and gave away your dirty mags,
(Steve says thanks.)

Don't get me wrong, I loved you once,
in fact, if you remember, you loved me too but now,
you're having an affair.

Oh, I know you haven't kissed her yet,
but don't think I have missed
the looks you've passed,
your eyes half mast
your lips apart
your beating heart so loud,
I thought myself quite deaf and so,
I think it's time you left.

and yet I don't mind really
it all seems quite silly

In fact, I think you two
are quite well suited
both of you are rather stupid
a bit boring
and predictable
a bit odd looking

and also, I've forgotten why
I ever loved you, by and by

It got lost
amongst the old LPs
and now you really make me cross

Your nose is large, and rather strange,
your chin too small
I can't think of any thing at all
that might have made us fall in love

So, you're leaving me now,
go with her, and I hope you're happy.

Go buy a house,
a cat, some nappies.

And, if you really do have best of luck,
perhaps she'll enjoy the way you fuck

Finally, with deepest thanks,
you should know that I've cleared out the bank.