Notes

Fish fingers and whisky. I'd thought about oven chips, and frozen peas, but nah, too much effort. That was when I saw the note, sitting on the kitchen table, 'don't forget,' it read, 'mother's day.' Which was right, 'cos it was mother's day that Sunday and I had forgot, I'd also forgotten writing the note. I forget a lot. I drink too much.

Peanuts and Guinness. The fridge was pretty much bare but stuck to it with the magnet which was apparently an exact scale model of Jenna Jameson's breasts was another note. 'Car tax!' it read, and 'defrost something for tomorrow.' Man, I wrote myself another note I did not remember, the first was still sitting on the table. I took both notes, the Guinness, and the peanuts into the other room and ordered mum some flowers on the internet. Apparently you can pay your car tax on the internet too these days. I did that and all.

White wine and cornflakes, separately of course, I had milk on the cornflakes like normal people. A note fell out of the box and I came damn close to eating it. I sucked off the milk and read it. 'Buy,' it said, in big letters, 'some bloody vegetables.' Now the thing is this, my name is Boris see, and ever since time immemorial I have signed it with a great big ornate swirly capital 'B', and as time went by, I started writing all my 'B's in the same style, not so grandiose, but still swirly and ornate. The 'B' in 'Buy' on the note was not swirly or ornate at all, it was normal.

Stella and KFC. Okay this is odd, 'cos I like hot-sauce with my chicken but your average British fast food joint considers a glance of half a chilli from two hundred yards too hot to handle, so I keep a bottle of my own. Wrapped round the bottle was another note. 'VEGETABLES' it said in capital letters. I should point out that I live alone, and I sure as hell did not leave myself that note.

Bangers and mash, more Stella. Alright, instant mash, but that's still vegetables, the sausages I got out of the freezer and defrosted in the microwave. It was nice but a tad dry. Only after I finished did I notice the note stuck to the bottom of the plate. 'Gravy powder in cupboard to left of sink,' it said.

Fish and chips and gin and tonic, because, you know, it was Sunday. I looked and looked for a note but couldn't find it. Mum rang to thank me for the flowers. Only when I went to put the receiver down did I see it sitting on the phone. 'Well done,' it said.

Chinese and cider. 'Cut your fingernails.' The bloody cheek. I was going to get to the bottom of this. They did need cutting mind.

Left over Chinese and more cider. I hunted and hunted for the note, finally found it languishing in the dishwasher. 'Run me.' I was half tempted to run it with the note still inside, but thought that might clog something or something.

Red wine and microwave lasagne. I dragged the computer into the kitchen and plugged it all in and set up the webcam I had bought that lunchbreak and when I turned it on, there, sitting prominently in the middle of the desktop was a README file. 'Do not,' it said, 'look for who is leaving the notes.'

Coffee and a packet of jaffa cakes, it was a long day at work. 'Go to bed,' said the note stuck right over the lens of the webcam, 'and do not look for who is leaving the notes.'

Pizza and Red Stripe. The note on the inside of the inside of the pizza box said 'go out with Julie.' The note on the TV remote said 'go out with Julie.' The note on the bottom of the toilet seat said 'go out with Julie.' When Julie rang and asked if I wanted to go for a drink I told her I was too tired. I shouted at the empty flat after I put the phone down. 'Hah,' I shouted, 'you ain't the boss of me.' The note on the pillow when I went to bed said 'should have gone out with Julie.'

Cup of tea followed by another cup of tea. Saturday morning breakfast. The note on the bathroom mirror said 'should have gone out with Julie.' The note in my sock draw said 'should have gone out with Julie.' The note scrumpled up in my bloody sock said 'it's not too late.' The note scrumpled up in my other bloody sock said 'ring her.' 'Oh for fuck's sake,' I said, and rang Julie.

Cannelloni and a really rather nice Chianti. Dinner out with Julie. She said we should do this more now that she had split up with her boyfriend. The note I found coiled up tight in my breadstick said 'suggest you go to that new bar on the high street after.'

Bacon grilled till crispy, poached eggs on fresh white bread, orange juice, freshly brewed coffee. The note on Julie's fridge read 'told you so.'