California Diary 6

L.A 13th August 8.56am

In the baking sun I had to go for a little walk. My heart was soaring, and I was smiling and crying all at once. I have conjured redemption.

I got an email from Elizabeth. I spoke to her on the phone on Friday, you might recall. It was nervy and strange, but I was glad that I did it. I hurt this woman many years ago. Ran out on her the day before she was going to catch a plane from Hollywood to London and marry me. She sold all her belongings to get to me and I slammed the door on her through fear and self interest. I have carried that guilt around in my back pocket for what has seemed like forever.

In her email she said that she has forgiven me, that the unfinished business between us is now complete. She tells me that she loves me and that will never go away. I email back saying that she is beautiful and that she will be part of me always. We are at peace and for the first time in months I feel worthy.

I high five Duane, the man in the liquor store as I buy a packet of Marlboro's.

In the evening we go to the cemetery in Hollywood to watch 'Psycho'. It's Alfred Hitchcock's birthday and it's the coolest thing. We take wine, food and a blanket. Here are the graves of tinsletown under the tall curved palm trees. The power, lies and dreams that are buried here. The dead American dream. The packed audience is made up of LA's most beautiful. Everyone appears to have just walked out of a GAP advert. There is a DJ playing songs by 'Gram Parsons' and the 'Zombies'. It's lovely and witty. I am taken by it. The whole phalanx screeches in unison during the shower scene. It is hilarious and strangely very scary. People share food, beer and cigarettes. I chat to girls from the valley. Something is returning in me. It happens fleetingly but it's there for sure.

Today I am going to meet someone whom I have not seen for twenty years. His name is Michael. He was a baby-marketing boy from Basildon when we first met. I had hair then. He has made a life out here for over a decade. He sells real estate and lives in Burbank with a swimming pool. I am nervous about it because I know that we have some shared secrets that are dark. I remember him as bookish and beautiful. A match for Morrissey. It will be very interesting.

Quote of the day:
He's living under threat of arrest.
Now that he's finally trying to make some sense.
Elvis Costello