An Open Letter To The Manager Of The "Local Saloon", Black Mountain Hills, Dakota

Dear Sir,
I am writing on behalf of my client, Mr Rocco Racoon, concerning his recent stay at your establishment on the fourth of last month, during the town's annual 'Hoedown'. His account of the visit raises some serious questions over the Local Saloon's adherence to current 'Duty of Care' statutes as detailed in State legislature, particularly with regard to its notoriously laissez-faire firearms policy and inability to provide a fit and qualified medical professional in the case of an emergency. I am aware that various uncorroborated versions of the events of the evening in question have been circulating in the local media, therefore my client is willing to provide a sworn affidavit detailing his account of the incident in full.

In summary, my client's grievances are as follows:

i) that on the evening in question he did check in to the Local Saloon with the intention of attending the 'Hoedown Party' taking place in Conference Rooms B and C, and that he was prevented from doing so when a guest in the adjoining bridal suite ' who referred to himself only as 'Dan' ' drew a concealed weapon and fired on him, in direct contravention of Article Six of the Black Mountain Hills Regional Firearms Ordnance, the enforcement of which remains the express responsibility of individual establishments;

ii) that on the evening in question a second guest, also staying in the bridal suite, did make false allegations that my client challenged his assailant to 'a showdown' prior to the assault, and that the Local Saloon did aid and abet her in the dissemination to the media of these and other spurious claims relating to her alleged previous involvement with my client; (NB: there remains some confusion over this guest's identity ' though, throughout the incident, she referred to herself as 'Lill', witnesses later claimed to know her as 'Nancy', and her credit card booking was made in the name of 'McGill')

iii) that on returning to his room after the assault he did request medical attention, and that the duty doctor provided by the Local Saloon was unfit to practice, demonstrating signs of extreme intoxication, to whit: an inability to support himself without the aid of a table, a pungent aroma of gin about his person identical in character to the free gin being distributed to guests and staff at the aforementioned 'Hoedown Party', and his misdiagnosis of a minor abrasion on my client's right pectoral as a fatal injury;

iv) that the Local Saloon did allow the placement of unsolicited religious propaganda in his bedside drawer, which, as a practising Hindu, my client found greatly offensive;

v) that, on his departure, the Local Saloon did attempt to charge him $9.99 for a 'pay-per-view' movie entitled 'I Can't Believe I Did The Whole Team', notwithstanding the fact that my client asserts he did not watch any television during his stay and indeed, given his condition, was in no fit state to do so.

My client is seeking damages in addition to a full and public apology by your establishment, including a rebuttal of the libellous claims made regarding his alleged role in provoking the assault. I trust I shall hear from you shortly.

Yours sincerely,

T. J. Clare, Attorney-at-law.