Recipe for a Good Night in

Ingredients

• tracky bottoms from Q+S (well worn and a bit smelly)
• an old white vest (stained)
• a big mug with a pithy quote on it
• teabags (pref. PG Tips or Twinings)
• thick woolly socks
• a Large Comfy Cushion
• a sofa
• a Patak's frozen Chicken Korma
• a PS2 games console
• a PS2 game - preferably something with plenty of mindless violence (e.g. 'Spartan Total Warrior')
• DVD's of The Matrix Trilogy
• a bottle of cheap gin or whiskey
• various savoury snacks
• OPTIONAL: a girlfriend who will wait on you hand and foot (or a robot or a concubine)

Instructions

Remove outer layer of clothing and toss onto bed. Carefully remove second (middle) layer of clothing, ensuring that only underpants remain. Add tracky bottoms and vest, tucking vest deep into track bottoms and pulling tracky bottoms up so that they cover half the stomach (also tuck vest into underpants, according to taste). Finally add thick woolly socks.

Take the mixture into the kitchen, remove Patak's frozen Chicken Korma from packaging and microwave according to instructions. While Patak's Chicken Korma is cooking, insert PS2 game into PS2 games console and await loading. When selected gamesave has loaded, Patak's Chicken Korma should be ready - therefore remove from microwave oven, sit on sofa and consume, whilst slaughtering dozens of virtual Romans. Continue to slaughter Romans until brain and/or thumbs start to ache or three hours have passed, whatever is soonest.

Pick up Large Comfy Cushion and knead until suitably aerated and all lumps have been removed. Place cushion behind back. Slouch. Watch the entire Matrix trilogy, then fall asleep.

For that extra special touch, all of the above should be performed whilst girlfriend (or robot or concubine) keeps you continually supplied with mugs of hot tea, large glasses of cheap whiskey or gin and small platefuls of savoury snacks.

Serves 1.