Gillian

Her name was Gillian. She was the only Gillian I ever met who didn't prefer the name Gill. I was the dull, skinny boy that nobody looked at. Gillian did. That was the first thing that made me suspiscious, the second was that when she spoke I didn't hear that familiar sman beneath her words.
My first day at Brighton Tech, she was the only one in my English class who bothered asking my name.
'Andrew,' I murmured under my breath. Her head tilted towards me, her brows furrowed.
'Andrew,' I said again, too loud this time. I cringed and felt my cheeks grow hot, I wanted to hide from myself.
'Gillian,' she said and smiled. She took my hand and held it for just a moment longer than necessary. I looked down at my feet and noticed my bright white trainers glowing out from under my trousers. I tried to cover them up.
When I looked up again she was gone.

The next day she chose the desk next to me.
A few days later, my desk, on a chair right next to mine. I could smell her perfume and almost feel the warmth of her skin underneath. My eyes dared not leave the pages of Great Expectations, but I didn't get any reading done that day.

One Friday she asked what I did at the weekends. I tried to think of something interesting to tell her. The weekend before I'd spent at my auntie's house, watching game shows on TV and listening to my cousins argue over the playstation, and whether or not you could see Lara Croft's nipples under her t-shirt.
'Oh you know, hang out with friends,' I muttered, crossing my arms to hide the ink stain on my sleeve.
'Wanna come to a party?' She asked.

That night I stood in front of mum's full-length mirror, trying to decide between tucked-in smart and untucked cool, wishing I'd thought to ask what kind of a party it was.
Mum was no help, 'Well of course you should be smart if it's a party. What other kind of party is there?'
I thought of some of the stories I'd heard round college, but thought it was best to leave mum in the dark.

By 9pm I had my outfit sorted, my hair combed but still a little messy the way some of the guys in class wore theirs. Mum kept trying to neaten it up whenever she passed me in the hallway.

At 10pm there was still no Gillian.
'Well what time did she say she'd be here?' mum asked, wringing her hands.
I shrugged. 'She just said she'd pick me up.'
'Does she have a car? Surely she's too young...?'
Another shrug, 'We are seventeen mum...'
'Yes, but still...'
To tell you the truth, I'd never thought to ask Gillian's age. I'd assumed it to be the same as mine but now I questioned it for the first time. Her eyes seemed somehow older.

Just before eleven I spotted her turning the corner onto my road. She was on foot but didn't look as though she'd been walking for long. Her dark brown hair hung loose about her shoulders, floating over a deep red dress. She smiled as I walked down the drive to meet her and my heart swelled like a balloon.
Mum stood at the door looking anxiously, first at the clock, next at Gillian's hemline. I think it was just starting to dawn on her that perhaps there was another kind of party after all.
'Have fun,' she said with a shakey voice, her hands clasped tight by her navel.
I waved goodbye and we headed up the road.

I knew the house of the party a street before we got there. A thumping bassline was carried along by the cool summer breeze. My palms began to sweat. We rounded a corner and I could see people in the drive, drinking and smoking. The front door was open and the noise of the party spilled out into the street. A mixture of Drum 'n' Bass, raised voices and laughing enveloped us as we approached the house. I quickly untucked my shirt.
At the entrance I hesitated, but Gillian took my hand.
'Come on,' she said, and smiled. I followed.

Inside all eyes were on Gillian. The men's roamed over the creases of her dress, the curve of her waist, while girls eyes became slits, one brow raised as their jaws set. We went into the kitchen where she opened the fridge and handed me a can. I downed half of it immediately and began to find myself relaxing. She handed me another.
'Is it ok to just take them?' I whispered, but she just smiled and shrugged. She pressed up close to me and then her lips were on mine. I smelled her perfume again but so much fuller, felt all her warmth against me. I breathed hard as all my senses absorbed her.
She pulled away from me and walked toward the door, turning her head, that smile again and I followed her into the crowd.
I watched how she pushed away the men that approached her and only looked at me. She was a great dancer, swinging her hips rhythmically in time with the beat. She never once asked me to dance, for which I was grateful, but when a slower song came on she stood right in front of me and let her hands stroke and caress her hips. She looked me straight in the eyes.
Men brought her beer and wine and pastel coloured fizzing drinks. She took them, but ignored the men who brought them. I drank what she didn't want and took kisses from her when she gave them.

Much later she leaned on me and kissed my neck, she breathed one word into my ear: 'Come.'
Then she turned and walked to the door. I followed.
I paid for a taxi to her flat. She lived alone. Inside was a faint replica of her smell that lingered in the sofa, in the bathroom, and espescially in her bed, where I lay tense and uncertain as she climbed on top of me. I tried to relax, to do the right thing, but
somewhere in the kissing and caressing, something went wrong.
'It's ok,' she said, but it wasn't. She stroked my face.
'I love you,' I breathed.
'I know,' she said, and smiled.
I slept against her back, my arm wrapped around her like a shawl.

In the morning she wouldn't look at me, but she looked at the clock a lot. I stayed until I couldn't bear it anymore, hoping for some kind of signal; a touch, a look, anything.
'I'll see you soon,' she said, as she let me out the door.
'When?'
'Monday.'

The weekend passed so slowly every minute felt like hours, but when Monday came I felt sick.
I got to class late, although not as late as her. I thought for a while she wouldn't come but then she strolled into the room, a breeze of scent trailing behind her, and squeezed into the seat next to mine. At the end of class she stood up and I made to follow her but my tutor Maria wanted to speak to me and by the time I came out she was gone.

The next few days passed much the same. She would come in late, sit next to me so close I could feel her pulse and then leave before I could see where she went, or else a friend would meet her from class and I would hang back shyly, scared of being shunned, or worse of just not being acknowledged. I began to imagine that the party had just been a dream.

On the day I gave up trying to catch up with her, there she was waiting for me. My heart skipped a beat as she called me over.
'Hey Andrew,' she said, 'there's another party this weekend, you wanna go?'
'Yes.'

This time there would be no mistakes. I went into town and bought a new shirt; aftershave; condoms.
By 10pm I was looking, if not 'cool', then at least passable for somebody who may actually have a social life. I was expecting her to arrive at about the same time as before, but 11:30pm came and went with no sign of her. Mum was on her nineteenth lap of the lounge where I sat, tap-tapping my new black trainers on the peach carpet when the doorbell finally rang. Mum visibly jumped and was trying to make an effort to look de-flustered as she walked to the door. I got there first and let myself out.
'Bye,' I called as I shut the door behind me.
Gillian looked really stunning, she'd done something with her hair that made it seem lighter and more floaty. Her hemline had risen an inch and the smell she gave off made me feel like I was melting.
I went to kiss her lips, but she turned slightly so I only got her cheek. She winked at me as I pulled away.
'Hiya,' she said, and smiled.
'Hi.' I smiled back.
'This party's a little further away,' she said, 'we'll need a taxi.'

We walked down to the taxi rank at Saint Peter's Church.
'Black Rock,' she said to the driver.
I'd never heard of Black Rock.
'How far is it?' I asked.
'Quite far, it's near the marina, up by the cliffs.'
'I didn't think there were any houses out that way.'
She laughed. 'It's not in a house.'
'Oh.' I wasn't sure what else to say, so I just sat back in the taxi and watched streets and houses turn into white chalk cliffs and jet black sea. After a while we started to see other taxis and people on foot carrying bags of beer, all heading the same way as us.
Eventually we pulled into a small carpark on the beach. I could hear a dull thud being carried along on the salty air. Gillian got out and waited, so I took this as a cue and handed the driver some money. Everyone seemed to be heading in one direction so we just followed where they were leading, pebbles cruching beneath our feet. The night was warm and few people wore coats, although most carried jumpers or bags that might contain them. I hadn't thought to bring one with me, thinking the party would be nearby like last time. I hoped I wouldn't get too cold. As we walked the dull thudding grew steadily into a pounding Techno beat and suddenly the beach opened up and we were among a crowd of what must have been a few hundred people. I couldn't believe my eyes. Surely this can't be legal? I looked around in awe. The thumping dance music was coming from a massive sound system that had been rigged up against a concave part of the cliff. All around me people were dancing or drinking beers and talking loudly to their friends.
'You coming?' Gillian yelled at me from a few feet away. I walked over to where she was standing. 'They're selling beers over there, c'mon, let's get some.' She pointed at a small white van a little way off where people were queueing up and coming away with cans of Stella and Carling. We headed over.
'You got any money?' She asked as we got to the front of the queue. I handed her a fiver.
'How much?' She asked the people in the van.
'Two pound a can.'
'Three for a fiver.' She shot back.
'Yeah, go on.' The girl said after a pause. Gillian handed the money over.
'We can share the third one.' She told me.
Gillian cracked open a can and wandered over to the hem of the crowd. She started swaying and moving her legs in time to the beat, taking occasional swigs of beer. After a while she looked back at me and grinned.
'Let's see what's going on over there.' She pointed further down the beach, toward the sea where a large group of people sat drinking and smoking round a fire. I'd thought fires on the beach were illegal, but then, I'd thought having giant parties on the beach were probably illegal too so decided I'd best keep my mouth shut.
We cruched down the pebbles and knelt in one of the gaps by the fire. A boy who seemed to know Gillian offered her a toke on his joint. She smiled and took a long drag, then sank back against me and let out a plume of smoke. She passed the joint over her head to me.
'Go on,' she said when I hesitated. I took it from her and held it delicately between my thumb and forefinger. I hesitated again. I felt like all eyes were on me. What if I choked and coughed? I held the end to my lips and took the smallest, slowest breath I possibly could. Smoke filled my mouth quickly, but thankfully I only let out one small cough as I exhaled. I passed the spliff back to the guy but he waved his hand dismissively and Gillian took it quickly from me.
I finished my can and finding Gillian had already drunk the other two, left her by the fire and headed up the beach to buy some more. I managed to get away with paying £7 for four beers using the same tactic she had and was feeling pretty pleased with myself as I crunched back down the pebbles toward the fire.
When I sat back down I thought the people sitting opposite looked at me a little strangely. I started to get nervous but then told myself not to be so paranoid and took some deep, salty breaths of air. I looked at gillian, she seemed happy enough chatting to the guy with the spliff. He was nodding away and laughing as he skinned up another. I drank some beer, lay back and gave my weight up to the stones, staring at the clear night sky. I thought, I could probably get used to this; the banging techno music is hardly my thing but sitting here like this, out in the open air with friendly people and a beautiful woman... Life doesn't get much better.

I awoke with a start. My mouth was furry and dry so I had a few chugs of the beer beside me and looked around for Gillian. There were still a fair few people around the fire but nobody that I recognised from earlier. I looked at my watch: 4am. I couldn't remember what time it had been when I'd last thought to check. I rubbed my eyes and downed the rest of the beer to wake up, then I walked down to where the sea lapped at the shore and splashed some of the icy water onto my face. That did it, I was now awake. I went back to the fire and looked around properly at the faces in it's glow.
'Lost somebody?' Asked a girl with matted blonde dreadlocks.
'The girl I was with earlier.' I told her. 'Gillian.'
The girl smiled warmly but shrugged and shook her head. She offered me the joint she was smoking but I declined and stumbled up the beach in search of Gillian.
I reached the main throng of the party and pushed my way through, looking all around me for a glimpse of that familiar face or hair. The bassline was pounding through my head and I wondered how anyone could stand it. All around me people seemed lost in the music, oblivious even to each other.
'Excuse me,' I said in an increasingly loud voice as I tried to squeeze past. Nobody heard me.

I can't remember exactly when I started to feel strange, but suddenly it was unbearable.
My head was pounding, the people and the cliffs and the music and the sky all seemed to merge into one giant sensory ball, everything seemed both unreal and overwhelming. I had to get out of the crowd, bad enough before but now it was suffocating me. I shoved through, no longer caring who I pushed out of my way. My one thought was to get back to the fire and lie down. I crashed down the pebbles, half running, half slipping. I sat down without looking who was there and let my head fall forward into my arms. Just wait for this to stop and then figure out what's happening, I told myself. You're safe here, it's warm and you're with people. It will be light in an hour and then you can find your way home. Swaying, I felt in my pocket. My mobile phone was missing.
'Dammit,' I cursed under my breath.
'Are you ok?' I looked up. I could vaguely make out blonde dreadlocks blurring into a green jumper and assumed it to be the girl from earlier.
'I um.. yes.. no..' I swallowed. Oh god, please don't let me cry now. I felt something around my shoulders and looking down, could just make out a swirling tartan blanket. I realised I was shivering, my teeth gnashing violently together. I gripped the blanket hard with clammy hands and tried again to look at the girl beside me. Green and blonde swam in and out of focus.
'Are you ok? What have you taken?' Said a female voice.
I shook my head. 'Don..don't know..noth..nothing..' I stammered between grinding teeth.
'Have you been spiked? Who were you here with? Where are your friends?'
'He's with me.' It sounded like Gillian's voice only muffled and far away, like a recording.
'Is he ok? He looks kinda sick.'
'He'll be fine.'
Now everything was far away, as though I was surrounded by a giant bubble. For some reason this calmed me down, made me feel protected. I started quietly chuckling at the thought. I looked at the fire and gasped. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Each of the flames seemed to take on their own personality, licking and dancing around one another in some kind of eternal game. I stared, wide-eyed and fascinated, only partially aware of the babble behind me.
I felt a hand on my back, a body next to mine. I looked round. Gillian was there, a beautiful, glowing Gillian with big clear brown eyes and a smile even more dazzling than before. I wanted to break down sobbing into her arms, to tell her all of my dreams and all of my fears and all of my hopes.
'Th..the fire.' I managed to get out.
Gillian laughed a far-away laugh. 'What about the fire?'
'It's beautiful!' My voice didn't sound like me at all. I looked around to see where it had come from.
She laughed again. 'Did you drink that guy's beer?'
I frowned exaggeratedly. 'Huh? Wha..guy? uh?'
'He was sitting right here. He put loadsa MDMA in his beer coz Adam didn't have a spare baggy.'
None of this made sense. The air started spinning again. I closed my eyes.
'Gillinan,' I said, barely even understanding myself, 'wha's happenenenin?'
'You're just rushing,' she said, 'it'll stop in a minute.'
I stared at the fire again, transfixed by the excited flames. I looked down at the pebbles, they started swimming and trickling into one another before my eyes. Oh shit, I thought. Maybe I'm dying. Then I started laughing again. Suddenly, everything opened up, as though the fire and everyone else had fallen away, there was more space between things and I had space to breath. I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs, then exhaled, blowing out the cold air in a big sigh. The feeling was exhilerating, yet hugely relaxing. I did it again.
'Here, have some of this.' A spliff appeared in front of my face. I wrinkled my nose but then as I looked at it, the idea became more appealing. I took it from the outstretched hand and held it to my lips. I breathed in the smoke and held it for a moment before exhaling a huge puff of smoke. For some reason, it felt so much smoother and easier than the last time. I took another toke and then looked around me. All the colours were brighter, patterns more interesting and intense but somehow softer now after the joint. Woooooow, this is why people smoke!

'Come on, let's go dance.' Gillian was tugging at my arm.
I wrinkled up my nose, I couldn't imagine anything worse.
'You'll feel better when you're moving around.'
I doubted that very much but suddenly the desire to be with Gillian overpowered anything else and I allowed her to lead me a slow and wobbling journey up the hill of stones to where the music still pounded away. It was then that I noticed the sky, now a deep blue rather than black. I hoped mum wouldn't be too worried about me. But she would have gone to bed hours ago, it was gone her bedtime when we left.

We reached the throng and Gillian pushed her way in, leading me by the hand. I tripped along after her, allowing her to direct us. She was looking around the crowd, nodding and smiling at a few people. Eventually she stopped. The crowd was thick and she pressed up hard against me, gyrating her hips against my pelvis, her face close to mine. I closed my eyes. I could feel her hot, sticky breath on my neck. The music vibrated through my body and I started to move with her. I'd never danced before but now it seemed easy. I wondered why I had ever been so afraid. Nobody was watching. They were all too wrapped up in the rhythm to care. It was then that I realised everyone there was on the same stuff I was. We were all on the same level. I opened my eyes and looked around at the other grinning, gurning faces. I grinned with them. I had never felt so alive. I felt like anything was possible. I put my hands on Gillian's hips, drawing her even closer to me. She put her arms gently around my neck. I felt her warm breath on my ear. She brought one leg up between mine and began grinding her thigh against my crotch in time to the beat. I groaned into her neck and held her tighter. This is the most beautiful moment of my life, I thought.
Then something hit me from behind.

Dazed, I lay on the concrete. I looked up, confused. The last two things I remember: Gillian standing a few feet away smiling and a foot coming fast at my face. Then everything went black.

When I came to it was daylight and I was surrounded by a small crowd of maybe three or four people. A girl was holding bottled water to my lips. I sipped at it and tried to sit up. A searing pain shot through my temple and I cried out.
'Be careful,' another girl said, 'you might be concussed. He hit you really hard.'
'Is there someone you want us to call?' Asked the first girl. My hand automatically went to my pocket, I felt around frantically for a few seconds before I remembered.
'My phone's missing,' I groaned, 'I lost it earlier.' The girls exchanged a look, one of them raised an eyebrow.
'What time is it?' I asked. I tried to make out my watch but it had a large crack across the glass and I could barely make out the numbers anyway.
'It's about half five.' Said another voice. I looked around. It was the girl from earlier, the nice one with the blonde dreadlocks. 'We've called you a taxi.' She told me. 'It's not your night really is it hun?'
I felt tears welling up in my eyes and covered my face with my hand. She put a blanketed arm around me and stroked my hair away from my face. I buried my face in her shoulder and sobbed violently. I was trying hard not to think about it but Gillian's smiling face kept coming back into my head.
'Where did she go?' I mumbled into the nice girl's shoulder.
'The girl you were with? She left with that guy. Her boyfriend I think. Complete cunts, both of them. You can do a lot better.' Her voice was like ice.

When the taxi came, the girls helped me up the beach and down to the car park. It seemed like a year since we'd been there just a few hours earlier. I crawled into the taxi.
Driving away, I watched blonde dreadlocks fade into the distance with my forehead pressed against the window.