Praying, trying to understand

i try hard, work hard
trying
testing myself, trying to go beyond
the narrow limits of my education,
trying to find
a better way of doing things,
trying to understand
why i feel so frustrated, there is
no motion forward
or the motion is so low:

lord, knowing that you have a plan
for me, knowing that you will save
me in a time of need,
does that make me lazy?
am i wondering, am i truly following you
or do i bask in your goodness,
do i overly rely on your justice?

do i break before you and you fill me
with the new life of a christian soul?

i become discouraged, exhausted...
nothing really seemed to have moved
toward goodness, i myself have not changed
but fall into habits of trifling evil.
i try i try and ask for the help of Christ
but still fall so short of your grace and love.

what am i to do? I love you lord.
help me to plan and organzie my work,
and yet not be frustrated when things do not come
to fruition according to my plan for that
is your true joy.