When did I lose my ManHood?

When did I lose my Manhood?
Was it when I realized I couldn’t work anymore?
Was it when the doctors diagnosing me with an incurable chronic illness?
Could it be the day I smashed my elbow while trying to help my wife and lost the use of my left arm?
It could have been how your mind warps after being bed ridden for years.
What about going from being an “athlete” and macho man, to a couch potato overnight?
Even with all of this I was dealing. Dealing means I still had my wife and son.
There’s something about love that keeps you going.
Well after 15years together, I think the bottom fell out when my wife decided to sleep and have an affair with someone else.
I came within a hair of completely losing my mind. That pain is indescribable.
But I survived that by diving into my faith. Faith saved me and the love of my 10 year old miracle of a son.
So all in all I would say I am more of a man know then I was when I was healthy.
I have learned acceptance, forgiveness, and the deep meaning of love which is much more than a mere word.
I have learned the cruelty of the human race. But also the humanity and caring of some “few” people.
Sometimes I think I will wake up and this will all be a bad dream.
That hasn’t happened yet, I keep waking up to another day of pain and frustration.
Frustration at seeing people wasting their health, if they only knew what it would be like to lose it, they wouldn’t take it for granted.
Frustrated every time I see men up on buildings, building them, see that’s what I did, I built buildings, now I can barely wash dishes.
You tell yourself, yes it could be much worse, but that just helps for a little while because you also know it could be a lot better.
What’s the point? Suicide? Sure I’ve thought of it, so have most of the people in my situation, but then is that the legacy I want to leave my son? My dad couldn’t take it so he cashed it in. NO, I won’t do that. See my father was healthy but sick in the head; he had to be because he lived but a few miles from me my whole life but never once did he contact me.
But I was at his bedside and held his hand and said prayers for him as he died.
This is what I have learned from this hideous disease. Love is still the strongest denominator. Love is all we have. Love is the whole purpose.
So I may have lost what society calls a man. But have gained what God considers a man.