A New Path To Paradise

I strolled into the offices of Shagwell & Grunt ‘Life-style consultants’.
I had been referred to them by Fukham & Flee a similar type of organisation but one more orientated to those who preferred to avoid relationships... I wanted one.

I had a three o’clock appointment with one of their sleeping partners a Miss Nysun Brown.
I looked around noting that the Happy New Year display was very attractive despite it being July and tried to keep my mind off the imminent interview.

A pretty receptionist smiled up at me from her desk and greeted me with a friendly “Swadee ka”.
“Swadee kap” I replied still unwilling to use the more proper pronunciation “krap”.
“I have an appointment with a Miss Brown” I told her.
“Okay” she replied “I will tell her you are here.”
“Kop Kun Kap”, I returned politely.

I sat down and glanced at the various issues of Hello magazine – at least I could recognise most of the pictures if not the squiggles that pass for a written language in this part of the world.
I mused on how on earth they managed without gaps between their words.

Still, at least they read from left to right and top to bottom so there might be some hope for me.
Mind you I later asked a friend to teach me the alphabet but quickly abandoned the idea after discovering that, in practice, I was totally unable to audibly differentiate between three of the first four letters - Khokai, khoqui, Khocat, khowai ... well something like that...
I never got around to the other forty (and that’s just the consonants)!

A surprisingly tall, slim Thai approach me wearing a friendly smile, a T-shirt and what elsewhere might have been called ‘Hot pants’ but here simply shorts.

It’s not until you’ve spent quite a while in a land of T-shirts that you realise just how different it is to a land of overcoats, and just how different life would be were it to be Summer all year round!

“Sawat dee Ka” she greeted politely
“Swadee kap” I responded more informally.
I guessed she was in her late thirties or early forties yet she had the legs of a teenager and the teeth of a film star. She had shoulder length dark brown, almost black, hair – but then so do nearly all the Thai women. Younger girls of school age usually have short bobs making it easier to tell them from their older sisters - which might otherwise be something of a challenge for most farang (foreigners) since many Thai women are short and look very young for their age.

“I’m Nysun Brown... my English is not so very good so sorrly please if I make mistake.”
I couldn’t help smiling and I replied “I’m not so brown and sorry please but my Thai is much worse than your English.”
She smiled and then she grinned and it was the most wonderful grin I had ever seen.
Thailand is the land of smiles but it’s their grins, much rarer, that truly reveal the joy in their hearts.

That grin was to mark the beginning of something very special in my life and perhaps my first step on the path to Paradise!

I chatted with Nysun for the best part of an hour although much of the time seemed to be spent in laughing. It is amazing how much can be communicated with a few facial expressions, nods and shrugs but occasionally you need to clarify and then you quickly realise just how important verbal language is and how quickly and easily it can lead to misunderstandings when you don’t share a common cultural heritage.
Although at odd times it was very frustrating in a ‘banging your head against the wall’ sort of way luckily we could laugh and persevere to find some mutual experience that helped bridge the gap in our understanding. We were surprised to find that we were more similar than different despite the huge divide.

I’m not sure why but in the end we were like two children escaped from the world of grown-ups relieved to finally find each other and play for a while away from the pressures of pretending to be adults.

I think she was supposed to make some sort of written evaluation to submit to her boss but in the end she said she would go in and speak to her personally... while I waited I realised I missed her.

She returned shortly and smiling took me by the hand and led me to the boss’ office.
“Me wait you outside.” She said opening the door for me.

I entered the room and was immediately confused to find a man, not a woman as expected, sat behind a computer atop an impressive desk.
“Mr Shagwell I presume.”
“Grunt.”
“Ah, what happened to Ms. Shagwell? Nyson led me to believe she was in here ready to see me.”
“Nyson?
“Nyson Brown.”
"Oh, that’s not her proper name. Ms Shagwell thinks that it helps break the ice if the girls have names that the English speaking customers can relate to. Ms. Shagwell just stepped out so we can have a short man to man.” He said gesturing toward a door at the back of the office.
“Okay.”
“Right, as you probably know we offer advice on where in Thailand would probably suit you best, what to avoid and how to invest. However, our most popular service is the Girl Guides.”
“Girl Guides?”
“Yes, that’s our euphemism for what Europeans would probably call ‘escorts’ but here in Thailand they also do your washing, mend your clothes, cut your nails and warm your bed...
They show you around and show you a good time.
Normally you would get to choose from our, fairly wide, range of Guides, and that is still an option, but Ms Shagwell informs me that Pi, the girl you call Nysun, has taken a shine to you and wishes to be your guide.”
“Pi, ummm, like the name, sounds like I could eat her and that she would be very useful should I start running around in circles.”
“Grunt.”
“I sense a problem.”
“Not so much a problem as a concern. Pi is very dear to us here at Shagwell and Grunt. She has a lovely nature, works hard, looks after the other girls and cleans the offices. She often does the preliminary reports, despite her poor English, because she has a winning personality and manages to put our new customers at their ease. Since she doesn’t do Guide work, it helps her earn a little extra and allows her to meet potential husbands, which, let’s face it, is the reason most of the girls are here in the first place. However, she has very little experience with men and should you be more interested in the physical than the spiritual you might well be better off with one of our younger, more athletic, girls with better English and more, err, amorous expertise.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway, let’s move on to where. Bangkok is in a bay and to the East is Pattaya which is quite good for first time visitors with no Thai and is probably the most popular mainland resort with lots of nightlife and plenty of young eager Thais. Central Pattaya is full of dirty old men sporting T-shirts emblazoned with ‘Good men go to heaven, bad men go to Pattaya’. Northern Pattaya is quieter but the beach is poor – South to Jom Tiem the beach is as good as it gets on the bay.
On the otherside of the bay to the West you have Hua Hin which is an old and somewhat tired resort but still very popular especially with Scandinavians. The beach isn’t bad but the sea is quite polluted and there are a lot of jellyfish. Similar night-life to Pattaya but not as blatant. A few kilometres down the coast back toward Bangkok is Cha Am which is still relatively quiet, a lot cheaper and has a better beach but little nightlife but is within easy reach of Hua Hin
If you want beautiful beaches with crystal clear water you should consider Phuket – Thailand’s biggest island which is closer to the equator than the previous locations and hence has better weather but is harder to get to, best fly. There are several other nearby islands and some very nice resorts along the mainland coast close to Phuket which also benefit from the clearer waters of the Andaman Sea, notably Krabi.”

End of part one.