Of Life and Death

During the Thanksgiving and Yule holidays, my mind swirls with memories of holidays past. I think of my grandmother, parents and my numerous aunts and uncles and their families showing up at grandmother’s house for holiday dinners. I think of mom decorating the house with holly, ivy and the all important mistletoe. Mistletoe represented fertility in pagan days and represented a ‘hint’ to her two daughters. Uncles arriving early to get in some hunting during deer season with the hope that someone would bring home a nice stag for Yule dinners. The fireplace would bear witness to the coming winter solstice with a fresh Yule Log that mom would burn for three nights, until Yule eve.
Mom enjoyed the Christmas season, going to mass and singing in the choir, but she also enjoyed the ancient Celtic beliefs as that was a part of her heritage and incorporated symbols of the old religion in the Christmas decorations.
Today, I am sitting Indian style visiting the grave of my favorite uncle. I felt the sadness that comes with realizing that he is no longer here and is sorely missed. As I was talking to him, I started remembering the good times, the time I was a bridesmaid at his wedding and the time I went with him on a trip to Ireland.
I also thought of mom. A once vibrant woman who I now watch in sadness as she prepares for her final days and I remember her strength, encouragement and support that she has given me throughout my life. She did this even through her illness. After all these years and the hardships she had to endure throughout her life, the love and the strength of character shone through that aged face with the beautiful peaches and cream complexion still evident at the age of 76. I felt the tears come as I looked at the head stone with memories of how the way things were and how so many changes have taken place over the years---and asked why people need to die.
Then, I focused on the carving etched deep into the head stone. It was of a lake with mountains on the side and seagulls in flight. My tears slowly dissipated because the carving reminded me of the passages of life. I thought of my grandmother, who came through Ellis Island as an 18 year-old girl from Ireland, passing into her mother aspect as she struggled to raise 10 children and her grandmother aspect as she aged and yet she kept working on her land and transformed an old boarding house to apartments and who is now finally at rest. I thought of the changes that have taken place in my life as maiden, mother and now entering the twilight of my years.
The cycle of life have been on-going since the beginning of time and is the natural order of things. We are born, go through the many changes that make us grow through the years, we make our mark on this earth through the people we love and we die to rejoin the earth so the cycle of life can continue. It’s a cycle that takes place in all living things. I was comforted with this thought.
I lost my mother January 26, 2005 and the sadness I felt was overwhelming. Going to visit my uncle helped ease the pain. It was a sadness that comes with viewing my own mortality and losing a significant person in my life and yet I am grateful for the time I had with her and that I was able to care for her during the years filled with short term memory loss, heart ailments, diabetes and finally, cancer.
Most of us become sad when a loved one passes on. Especially if it is a person instrumental in whom you have become. It’s a sadness that is like the changing of the season from fall to winter. And yet, I am comforted by the thought that mom is no longer in pain and has moved on to another existence and I know that she will live on in memory.