Kaufmann Fiction Inc.

The character was a screenplay writer. She was barely two minutes old when she sent Charlie Kaufmann a script. Of course, he loved it, and immediately began to negotiate the film rights...

PLEASE NOTE:

• A fictional character cannot buy or sell anything in the real world.
• A fictional scriptwriter trying to sell a script becomes a fictional corporation.
• A corporation is essentially a fictional entity purporting to be an individual for the purposes of making money
• If a corporation is fictional, then no real individuals whatsoever are involved in the making, investing, or gaining in of any real money.
• Fictional individuals exist solely for the purpose of recreation/procreation. All fictional corporations are recreationalists/progenitors.
• The fictional corporation is therefore responsible for the livelihood of its fictional characters, including authors and/or screenplay writers. It is not responsible for real-life authors and/or screenplay writers.
• Fictionally speaking, Charlie Kaufmann Inc. would be delighted to purchase the rights to this particularly fictitious work of fiction for the virtual sum of $1,500.

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Tax office : “We seem to have a problem here.”
Writer: “Shit. I didn’t know I had to declare private classes, I swear…”
Tax office : “You can’t claim benefits from a fictional corporation”
Writer: “Charlie Kaufmann is REAL. Haven’t you seen Adaptation?”
Tax office : “Oh, is that the new one with Arnold Schwarzenegger?”
Writer: “Nnnnoo. Being John Malkovich?”
Tax office : “Oh yeah, Cameron Diaz. She’s just great. And that other one, Kate, no, wait, Catherine, Catherine…”
Writer: “Catherine Keener?”
Tax office : “Yeah. She’s hot. Please see Section 22 Article 1.3 governing L.A.U. standards 1992. Unemployment assistance denied on basis of non-payment of taxable non-earnings for the current fiscal year.”
Writer: “I wrote the script. Kaufmann used it. I got paid. I declared it”.
Tax office : “Again. You cannot declare fictional tax for fictional payment for a work of fiction.”
Writer: “Again. He’s real. I’ve even given you his PPS number.”
Tax office : “Fictional numbers are abstractions of the truth. I have another customer.”
Writer: “Customer?”
Tax office : “Yes, customer. You know, the real kind? Who pay real taxes and commit real fraud? What did you say about private classes back there?”
Writer: “OK ok. I’ll come back with some more paperwork then, shall I?”
Tax office : “Mmmmmmmfff. Paperwork… yes, yes, paperwork, YES!!! (starts unknotting his tie)… that would be acceptable.”
Writer: “ Next week sometime?”
Tax office : “ Please apply online and fill out the appropriate details. An appointment will be given on the basis of conforming with normative requirements for being a class II non-tax paying fictional fiscal entity within a unipersonal autonomous company on even days of a leap-year full-moon month. You can apply for an urgent appointment via: www.taxoffice.com/fictionfortherealworld/through-the-looking-glass for a fee of 2,500 euros or 64.325% net salary for 1983, whichever is higher. The exit is to your left.”
Writer: “Er, you mean my other left?”
Tax office : “Don’t worry, it’s not as high as it looks. Have a nice day now.”